


We Could Fly Far Away

by Pinkstationfrerard



Series: We Could Fly Far Away [1]
Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: College, M/M, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, long distance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-15
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-09 11:24:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 55,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4346756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinkstationfrerard/pseuds/Pinkstationfrerard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he was 13 years old, Tyler left his phone number in a bunch of random books for a boredom-curing bet. 6 years later, Josh Dun finds one of those books. </p>
<p>(a.k.a the "You found my phone number in a book and decided to text me and hey you're not a creepy old man for once- you're actually pretty cute" AU featuring socially awkward trans!Tyler)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Art Of Surprise

[ ](http://tinypic.com?ref=2vt5obo)

 

Tyler Joseph wasn’t exactly the kind of person you’d call sociable.

 

Sure, he was friendly, but friendliness only got him one long-lasting high school friend that luckily still wanted to stick with him throughout college by occasionally showing up at his dorm to play mario kart and eat junk food and then pass out on Tyler’s floor. He had a feeling Mark was usually stoned whenever he came over, but he didn’t really care to ponder the thought, his best friend was always sort of crazy no matter what he did.

 

Tyler Joseph was always too scared to open up to people, too socially awkward, too introverted. There was always an excuse, and Mark gave up on asking if he made any new friends a long time ago. Mark knew it would just end up putting Tyler in one of his self-destructive moods that could only ever pass with time and lots and lots of writing.

 

He’d known Mark since 7th grade, and honestly, he was a godsend. When Tyler came out as a transgender guy in 10th grade, even after knowing for 2 years before that, the only person in the whole world who barely batted an eye was Mark. His parents were supportive, thank christ, but it didn’t mean they didn’t look at their son differently, that their faces didn’t tighten up in all the wrong places when Tyler said certain things or told them about his plans. That’s the way it was at first, at least.

 

His parents were weird and treated Tyler like he was an unstable bomb for a year straight, his siblings asked questions Tyler wasn’t really ready to answer, the kids at school raised their brows and whispered to each other, and Mark glared at anyone who looked at least slightly threatening. Tyler would marry the guy at this point if he wasn’t practically a brother. All in all, it had been a really long rough patch throughout high school and middle school and it was only until Tyler went to college that he felt like he could finally breathe.

Not having a lot of friends was still a problem, though. Tyler wasn’t really ready to answer questions about why he had tampons in his bathroom or explain what his binder was, so, really, it was just easier to bug mark and text him until he agreed to come over _"as long as you pay for the breadsticks this time, Joseph."_

Tyler opened the door to his apartment to find Mark holding the latest Mario Party and two cans of redbull, a gigantic smile plastered on his face. He only smelled faintly of weed, and Tyler was just so relieved to see him. He slid his phone back in his pocket and wrapped Mark into a hug, a warm embrace only reserved for extremely close friends. Tyler wasn’t really one for physical contact, even platonic touches, but he couldn’t care less when it came to his best (and only) friend. Tyler ushered Mark in and closed the door, sighing in relief. “Oh god, I am so glad to see you. I’ve been holed up in my room all day finishing this damn essay, and then worrying about the essay, and- you get the point. Lemme throw a sports bra on.”

Tyler’s voice was rushed and tinged with emotion as he walked to his dresser and rifled through the top drawer. He didn’t really care about binding with just Mark around, but it did make him more self-conscious about his chest anyways, so he settled on an in between. After a whole year and a half on testosterone, ever since the start of senior year when his parents finally allowed him to make serious changes in his transition, Tyler’s whole body seemed to shift and change to become more masculine. His voice still managed to be high and kinda squeaky, still sounding so girly sometimes, which apparently wasn’t the fault of the medicine but rather just his own body possibly being a little slow. It sucked, but Tyler was just thankful he had health insurance for Christ’s sake.

“Jesus, yeah, put it away, Ty! I really hate boobs in any shape or form! So gross!” Mark shouted from the front of the TV as he slid the game into the Wii. Tyler was so comfortable with Mark that he could laugh at any joke made about him or his body without feeling insecure, while Tyler usually tended to get way too sensitive around other people.

“Shut up, Mark. I know a part of you wished i was still a chick, because I would be hot as hell right now.” Tyler said, rolling his eyes even though Mark couldn’t see his face. He’d be able to tell from Tyler’s tone of voice, though, and that's what really counted. Tyler shrugged on a plain white t-shirt and ruffled his chocolate brown locks back into their rightful place. He needed a haircut, it was only a matter of weeks before he looked like an overgrown bush with a mangled body and weird tattoos that already tended to confuse everyone else.

Tyler guessed he was pretty damn confusing to other people, but he’d learned to live with it. At least he had a double dorm all to himself and didn’t have to explain himself and repeat _no, I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t know how much I even like girls anyways._

__

“Who says you aren’t hot now, Joseph? You really need to get out, there’s lots of people I know that would find you cute. You’re cute. C’mon, get your ass over here so I can kick it.” Mark smirked and patted the spot next to him on the bed, passing Tyler a controller and an open can of redbull. Tyler sipped it carefully, savoring the sweet caffeine and the feel of his best friend next to him. _Yeah, I can work with this,_  Tyler thought, closing his eyes for a second. 

“Oh, we’ll see about who’s ass is going to get kicked, Eshleman.”

~*~

Two consecutive hours of Mario Party, $15 more owed to Mark, and a whole large pizza later, Tyler was downright giddy with laughter and as well as so tired he considered using Mark as a body pillow. His friend wasn't having it, though, and Tyler was forced to grab his uke and play around with a few chord progressions while Mark played some reason first-person shooter involving zombies using the xbox.

“Hey, Tyler, I almost forgot to ask you, are you still getting monthly dick pics?” Mark asked, eyes fixed on the TV screen. Tyler blinked, confused. “What?” Then realization dawned on him, and wow, he really was tired after running that lap around part of the campus after swearing once again " _this round, I will win, Eshleman_."

 

“Oh, right, the book thing. No, actually, it’s been pretty silent. I think they’re all locked in some creep’s basement for now, my phone number written beautifully on all of the pages.”

Back in freshman year back in high school, when Tyler and Mark had nothing better to do, they decided to make a bet. They wrote their numbers in several library books around the state, hoping to magically find a girlfriend (or a boyfriend in Tyler’s case, he was never anything but open about his slight lack of preference) via texting and the power of chance. They even made a bet, as they did extremely often. Every text back was $1 from the loser to the winner, and while Tyler did end up with $16, it resulted in lots of creepy texts and more than a few incriminating photos.

Tyler had written his number in so _many_ books, and he was such a _stupid_ teenager, but thankfully it had been a few months since any random numbers had texted him asking about. It was always people from the most random places- Connecticut, Florida, Oregon, California, even _Hawaii._ Those were the people that actually wanted to have a short-lived, slightly awkward conversation, at least.

Tyler wondered if there might be someone who’d find the number and maybe actually be kind of nice and cute. Maybe. A guy could dream, right?

Mark made a low noise, some sort of response that seemed to say hm. _Interesting_. But Tyler knew him better than that, and Mark was definitely thinking something more. “What, bro? I know you’ve got something on your mind.” Tyler prodded, poking Mark’s side and making him lose his concentration for a second. He was almost violently ripped apart by zombies, but of course, Mark was a _whiz_ at first-person shooters and he didn’t go down without a very long, very loud fight as Mark yelled at the screen on many occasions.

“Well, it’s just, I don’t know. Maybe… maybe you could try online dating? I dont know why, but the book thing makes me think of that, and they’re kind of similar, except you’re way less likely to get 12 year-old girls texting you-” Mark was obviously nervous putting out the suggestion, he knew how Tyler felt about social interaction of any kind. It was to be avoided. Dating just- it just wasn’t really the easiest option for Tyler. “Don’t be pissy at me, please, Ty. It’s just a suggestion.” Mark said in his best monotone voice, somehow pulling off a _I don’t really care, whatever_ vibe when Tyler knew his best friend was afraid to upset Tyler.

“Mark…” Tyler groaned, putting his head in his hands. “I… I know you think it would be good for me to get out more, meet new people, but the thing is, not everyone reacts as well as you when they find out about my past. People judge me, they look at me differently. Most don’t care, yeah, but there’s always a few people that make me want to repeat junior year.” Tyler said somewhat slowly, staring at his bed sheets. They had little rocket ships with yellow dash lines that traced the planets together, and little green alien heads interrupting the pattern. It contrasted with the indigo color of the background nicely. _We could build a rocket ship and fly it far away._ When Tyler was a kid all he ever wanted to do was run away from who he knew he really was, fly away to a planet where he didn’t have to deal with his internal struggles. Things had changed, from better to worse to good, but he was dealing. He was alive.

Tyler  could only hope he’d be able to go to a different planet one day. He heard Mark wince when he mentioned junior year, it was a hard time for Tyler as well as everyone who cared about him. Tyler didn’t like to think about it.

“Tyler, don’t say shit like that. People are nicer than you’d think, and if they aren’t, then I’m not gonna hesitate to beat their skulls in.” Mark said with a startlingly calm voice. Mark’s video game was paused and he was staring holes into the side of Tyler’s face, and he hesitantly lifted his head to meet Mark’s gaze.

“Mark, no one wants to date- date a freak like me, Mark. I-I’m only going to be a disappointment, a girl-dude who c-can’t uphold a conversation or go one goddamned day without feeling shitty for no reason. I can’t be loved, Mark. Not in the way I want to be loved.” Tyler was shaking fiercely, holding back sobs as hot tears streamed down his face. Mark sighed, a deep pain pulling out from under his mask he held to keep Tyler _safe,_ dammit, and they joined together in a hug as Tyler cried nearly silently into Mark’s arms.

“You will be. Someday, you will be loved, but for now, I love you. You’re my best bro, and you’ll get through this. You just have to stop being so scared of yourself, Ty.” Mark said quietly, almost a whisper above Tyler’s ear. Tyler’s breath hitched in the middle of a sob, instead releasing a long sigh. “You’re right,” was all Tyler could really bring himself to say. “You’re right, I love you too, dude. No homo.”

They broke into giggles after that, Tyler pulling away from mark and giving his friend an apologetic smile instead of telling Mark he was sorry. That would only result in another pep talk.

“You’re gonna be ok.” Mark reassured Tyler one last time, his hand settled firmly on Tyler’s shoulder, gaze hard yet reassuring. Tyler nodded and they fell back into their previous positions; Mark shooting zombies and yelling, Tyler strumming his uke. Everything was going to be alright.

~*~

Tyler spent the next week trying to busy himself and avoid going completely and utterly crazy with worry over exams, barely finding time to hang out with Mark or even go outside except to go to the library to study once he got too antsy being stuck in his dorm. At least he had an excuse to not go to any parties or hang out with Mark’s other friends for a week.

Once his tests were over, Tyler expected his life to get back to normal. What he didn’t expect was his phone to buzz when Tyler knew his mom was at work and Mark was in class, and it wasn’t like anyone else ever texted him.

**(330)239-6672:**

_okay, I’m going to assume this isn’t a little old by now to whoever you are, but I just found your number in an old copy of the third Harry Potter book I got from goodwill and I wanted to ask a) why would you subject yourself to creepy text messages and b) since you have such good taste in books do you also happen to be cute? because that would be really cool._

__

Tyler’s breath caught in his throat as he read the text from the unknown number, eyes scanning the short paragraph in surprise. This guy- well, person, but Tyler just had a gut instinct that it was a dude- didn’t seem creepy. Not yet, at least. Tyler was really curious to find out who this person was and he _definitely_ did not blush nervously at the last question. Tyler responded immediately, not wanting to wait around to seem like he had a life or something.

**To answer your questions, a) I was 13 and b) that’s what my mom has told me, so. Maybe I’m cute. Not really sure about that one.**

The number began typing immediately, and Tyler smiled to himself, not exactly sure why this was making him so giddy and excited. Maybe Tyler's life really was that dull.

**(330)239-6672:**

_how old are you now? am I holding some sort of ancient book that survived years of different thrift stores until fate chose me to talk to you? Thats kind of sick. Also, what you said there about your mom was cute, so I’m just going to bet that you’re also cute._

Tyler was starting to wonder what his life had become. He tried not to blush even harder at the end of the response, but he ended up failing miserably.

**I’m 19, so I guess that’s a whole 6 years. Geez. Over that time period, I’ve gotten too many dick pics, 3302396672. Too many.**

**(330)239-6672:**

_sorry, where are my manners? I’m Josh._

__

_I’m also sorry you had to deal with that_

__

_unwanted penises are not okay. I’m fine if the person asks, though._

 

Tyler started _giggling_ at that, covering his mouth although Josh couldn’t hear. Josh. That was a pretty cute name, but maybe Tyler was a little bias since he had a crush on a really cute dude named Joshua a few years back. Tyler noticed the fact that Josh had said “person” instead of dude when talking about apparent penis ownership, and that only made Tyler even happier to be suddenly talking to this guy. He didn’t seem to be afraid to be open with his sexuality, (if he wasn’t joking) which Tyler supposed was to be expected when you texted a total and complete stranger out of the blue. No judgement.

**Hi, Josh. I’m Tyler. Yes, I’ve seen some things, but what’s done is done. Consent is important, and I’m afraid I’ve kind of missed out on that pleasure when it comes to pictures of genitals. Sigh.**

**(330)239-6672:**

_poor 13 year old you. you must’ve been really bored or just extra hormonal._

__

**Mainly more of the first one.**

**Harry Potter? Really? Hasn’t everyone read the books already? Not that I'm criticizing you, I chose The Prisoner Of Azkaban for a good reason.**

**(330)239-6672:**

_hey! I already read all the books, twice, in fact, but owning them is so much better. plus, it was like two bucks. you’re kind of a cheap slut, aren’t you, Tyler?_

__

_sorry, wait, that came off as rude and creepy, didn’t it? I try to be funny. I fail._

Tyler laughed to himself again, sitting with his legs criss-crossed and his back up against the wall next to his bad as his bit his lip to avoid a big smile.

**True. I read them, like, 1 ½ times, but Order Of The Phoenix was so hard to get through. I can’t handle Sirius being torn away from me more than twice, since I’m counting the movie as well.**

**It was actually really funny, don’t worry about it. I kind of laughed out loud and it probably vibrated throughout my dorm hallway.**

**(330)239-6672:**

_glad I didn’t scare you away with my lameness._

__

_I totally agree with you, but if I keep talking about Harry Potter, I won’t be able to stop, so better quit while we’re ahead_

__

_dorm, huh? where do you go to university?_

__

That was when Tyler noticed the area code for Josh’s number. It was an Ohio area cell code, same as Tyler’s.. His heart started beating faster as he typed his next reply, feeling a little nervous at the concept that they might live really close.

**University Of Ohio. You?**

**(330)239-6672:**

_I moved away from Ohio to go to college in California. not really sure how long it’s gonna last, gotta admit I’m pretty homesick. I go to Cal State, of course. thats cool that we would be probably going to the same college if I didn’t decide to leave, though!_

__

_tell me about yourself, Tyler, aside from the fact that you were a dumb 13 year old, because so was I, trust me on that one ;)_

__

**Yeah, thats kind of trippy, actually.**

**Well, My full name is Tyler Robert Joseph (I’m trusting you with this information), I play a few instruments and sometimes I like to sing and write. I’m afraid of social interaction, so, really, be very glad you aren’t meeting me in person. I’m horribly awkward. My best friend is my only friend. Quit while you’re ahead, bro.**

Tyler knew he was being self-deprecating as usual, and he was probably pushing Josh away even though he seemed really nice and easier to talk to than most people Tyler knew. He just felt like being honest, and if that meant being a stiff, then so be it. After all, he didn’t spend forever building up walls around himself for nothing. It’s no make sure he doesn’t get hurt again.

**(330)239-6672:**

_I am Joshua WIlliam Dun, I know, SO incredibly white it makes me feel kinda sick. that’s so awesome!!! I play the drums and it’s really what I wanna do for a career, but, y’know, I don’t really wanna be the family disappointment._

__

_I bet your stuff is really good. you give me a strange feeling, like, I don’t know, this is fate telling us to start a band or something._

 

**Jishwa Dun. It suits you. Jish. Spooky Jim. Any of those sound remotely good?**

 

**Thats sick, bro. You should pursue that if college doesn’t work out**

 

**Honestly, I have a feeling you’re right. But I think we’re getting kind of theatrical and cheesy here haha**

Tyler felt like it was both easy and hard to talk to Josh- he had nothing to prove, yet everything at all. It made his skin twitch with a bubbling anxiety that Tyler wished would just go away.

**(330)239-6672:**

by the way, ditto on the anxiety thing. for real. I’m terrified of public speeches as well as meeting new people, god, it’s so horrible. don’t worry about it

__

_ok, I’ve gotten nicknames before, but those…. those are REALLY awesome. please use em. please_

__

_we can have deep convos about the future and music later, yes, of course. Thats, like, a 3 am thing, right?_

**Lets bond over depression and social anxiety, Spooky Jim <3**

 

**I dunno, I guess so. I usually just go all in a little too fast and so now I shield myself, yeah? Reason #56 why I have no friends.**

 

**(330)239-6672:**

_depression is not fun. we are a no fun club. No talking, no fun, no nothing._

__

_:))_

__

_don't worry about that, either. I’m sure you have your own reasons to not trust people, Tyler. we all do._

Tyler’s heart must’ve skipped a beat, it was beating so irregularly. He couldn’t control it, Josh just… _understood_. Mark knew why Tyler was so cautious, but he couldn’t really understand. Tyler felt himself so attracted to the way Josh respected his privacy and cracked jokes that meant he understood Tyler’s struggle instead of just poking fun at it. Tyler was smiling like an idiot over a few texts from a near stranger, and _god_ , Tyler's life was really going into an intense downwards spiral.

**How do you do that? Get me so well after talking to me for, like, 10 mins?**

**(330)239-6672:**

_I guess we’re just pretty similar._

_I’m pretty glad I decided to adopt the entire harry potter series since it means I get to talk to you now ;))_

**I’m glad you did it too. So, does this mean you wanna talk to me again?**

**(330)239-6672:**

_of course! I actually gotta go meet up with my friend Debby for dinner in a few minutes, but I’ll text you later?_

**Sounds good. Seeya, Jishwa Dun.**

**(330)239-6672:**

_farewell for now, Tyler Joseph._

Tyler laid down properly on the bed and closed his eyes, sighing loudly for only himself to hear.

**  
** Josh Dun wanted to be friends, and Tyler was a bit more than okay with that.


	2. Oh No Heʻs Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler receives a few pictures from Josh and Mark is an asshole.

Tyler and Josh had begun texting on a regular basis, to the point where Tyler was almost always holding onto his phone, waiting for that familiar buzz that meant Josh had texted him back. They talked about everything, from their music and ambitions to their favorite colors and morning routines. It had only been a few days and Tyler already felt so close to his new friend, and oftentimes he seemed to forget about things that would ordinarily bother him.

 

Of course, Mark noticed, even though it did take a while. He noticed that Tyler was smiling more, giggling down at his phone he was always holding onto, and oh, he was suspicious as hell based off of the questioning look he was shooting Tyler.

 

“So, who’s the new person in your life, Tyler? Are you gonna tell me, or just keep giggling and ignoring this incredibly awesome movie we are supposed to be watching _together?”_

 

Tyler knew he was being kind of rude by mainly ignoring both the movie and Mark, but he couldn’t keep away from talking to Josh. He just… felt so comfortable texting him, and it was really nice to have more than one friend. Josh was a lot flirtier than Mark, granted, but Tyler decided to not read into it too much. He didn’t know what Tyler even looked like yet, and then there was always the… thing. The being transgender "thing" that stopped Tyler from really opening up to people.

 

**Josh:**

_oh my god, really? you told her you couldn’t give her your number because your phone broke as you were HOLDING it???_

 

Tyler could only imagine what Josh’s voice sounded like when he was amused, and he had little to no evidence of what he looked like. Which, he’d have to get around to soon or he’d go crazy.

 

“Uh, One sec, Mark.” Tyler said absently, looking back down at his phone and ignoring the way Mark’s eyebrows furrowed together. It looked like he was a very confused raccoon and it was admittedly quite hilarious.

 

**Okay! I know! I’m horrible! I told you, I’m extremely awkward, and at the time I was fully convinced I was totally gay, and I didn’t know how to tell her that!**

 

**Not like she was hitting on me anyways, dummy**

**Josh:**

_of course she was, stupid. why else would she be so brave as to ask? I’m lucky bc i never had to ;)_

_oh, so you were a fully-fledged, flaming homosexual? that sounds fun. I remember when I tried to convince myself I wasn’t bi and then I kissed a dude I’d been crushing on for months beforehand in denial, so, that ended abruptly._

**Sheeh, Jish. No need to be so forward about it. As a conservative christian, I don’t like it when you rub your homosexuality in my face. P.S, you are still wrong, no one likes me because no one knows I exist, duh.**

 

Tyler found it so easy to be humorous and open with someone he barely knew over text rather than in person, and he was used to talking like this with Mark. Except it was.. different. He was a little too giddy to read Josh’s responses and he blushed a little too much when Josh called him a cute nickname.

**What was this boy that broke you like? I’m curious.**

**Josh:**

_thats what the government wants you to think._

_well I AM going to rub it in your face because I am a FILTHY gay!! Take THAT!_

_ok, I feel dumb for typing that, we need to end this ASAP_

**Agreed**

**Josh:**

_Well, ok, his name was Alex, and he was pretty tall and had short brown hair that kinda fell over his eyes and, I dunno. he was really lanky and quiet. I thought his shyness was really cute, and he could draw well and he had the cutest giggle. then we kissed and I liked it too much to be straight and he turned out to be a little bit of a dick who thought he could force me to do things I didn’t wanna do, so, yeah. end of that story._

 

Tyler read the long text with an upset look on his face, and Mark cleared his throat next to Tyler.

 

“Ty? You here?” He asked, waving his hands.

 

“Y-yeah, sorry.” Tyler shook himself and forced himself to tear his eyes away from his phone to look at Mark, who was actually looking pretty frustrated. “What is it?”

 

“I asked you what was up and who it is you’re so infatuated with.”

 

Tyler glanced down at his light purple fuzzy sock-covered feet, trying to contain a bright blush. He supposed his tiny, meek crush on Josh was pretty obvious, especially to his best friend, and there was no use hiding the truth. “Uh, so you know the book thing? Well, this guy texted me a few days ago-” Tyler was cut off with a bark of laughter from Mark, who was clutching his chest dramatically.

 

“Oh my god, seriously? I was _right?_ You totally like this dude because of the book, and he’s not even a creepy, old sugar daddy? Thats golden.” Mark looked pretty damn pleased with himself, and Tyler forgot why he was so timid in the first place. He punched Mark’s upper arm gently, fake anger plastered on his face. “Shut up. I barely know him, Mark. Now let me reply to him before he thinks I’m ignoring him.”

 

“What’s his name?” Mark interrupted before Tyler could respond, noticing another text from Josh.

 

**Josh:**

_sorry, did I make you uncomfortable? or are you busy? I dont wanna be clingy sry_

 

“His name is Josh.”

 

**Sorry, I’m with Mark. He’s making fun of me for making friends because apparently he’s either really jealous or he’s stooped to a whole new level.**

 

**Josh:**

_ooh, a protective man. now that’s what I like._

 

Tyler bit his lip and shot a glare at Mark, who was leaning over to read Tyler’s texts (quite rudely).

 

**That’s messed up. Seriously. Screw that guy, you deserve better. He actually sounds like me, except replace drawing with writing sad lyrics and just erase the whole “being a dick who doesn’t accept boundaries” part completely.**

**At least I’m not a mean person? Just awkward. Very awkward and shy.**

**Mark is laughing at me again and telling me that I’m too modest.**

**Josh:**

_thanks. Its nice to know you have my back, but I’m over it, really._

_well, as I’ve said, I always knew you’d be cute, so I’m betting you’re like Alex 2.0._

_you ARE too modest! Tell Mark he’s right! you need to stop being so full of yourself, Tilly!_

 

“Tilly?” Mark snickered, moving away from his position over Tyler’s shoulder after the other boy pushed him away. Mark was having way too much fun with this, and sadly, Tyler knew they’d get along really well.

 

Josh and Mark were both really similar in the way that they seemed to understand Tyler, except it had taken Mark several years and Josh just a few days. They were still getting to know each other, though, and Tyler still couldn’t be completely honest with Josh. There was a time and place for everything.

 

**Stop being so adorable, it’s making me sick, honestly.**

**How do I know you’re not just a 50 year old man who wants to prey on me simply to feed his ego? I can’t trust you, Joshua William Dun.**

 

Tyler really wanted to see what Josh looked like after a few days of non-stop texting, and he knew Mark would get a kick out of it as well, so he finally decided to set up the opportunity to ask. Apparently he didn’t, because a minute or so later his phone buzzed and gave him the alert of 3 new picture messages from Josh.

 

“Holy shit.”

 

Tyler thought Mark had said it, but he was surprised to discover his own mouth was propped open and Mark was still crawling over to look at the picture of Josh.

 

Josh was _hot._

 

Really, _really_ hot.

 

He had a gorgeous facial structure and a large nose that was more adorable than imposing, and he even had a nose ring to go along with it. The shadows in the picture showed off Josh’s high cheekbones and light freckles that littered the spaces under his eyes and dappled his cheeks, and his teeth glinted in a bright and genuine smile that curled his lips upward and made little creases in the corners of his eyes. Tyler couldn’t even begin on his brows- they framed his face perfectly and made his eyes only look even friendlier, and Tyler was still stuck looking at the first picture. It obviously wasn’t a selfie considering the nearly-candid style of it and the HD quality, but the second one was a selfie of Josh from a tilted side angle that showed off his jawline and his hair. His _pink_ hair.

 

The first picture was too close up for Tyler to notice it, but he had been pretty distracted, but Josh had bright bubblegum pink hair that matched him perfectly. Tyler swiped to look at the third and final photo, which appeared to be Josh in his natural state. He was leaning casually against a wall in the photo, eyes half-lidded, wearing a v-neck that showed off his collarbones and was a little too tight to hide those _glorious_ muscles hiding under and peaking through the light gray material.

 

It didn’t help that his black skinny jeans made Tyler feel no less sinful. Of course, Josh had a flannel tied around his waist and worn out combat boots to complete the look, making Tyler feel a little proud for expecting Josh to be that kind of guy. Casually gorgeous, a little socially awkward, and totally unaware of the affect he had on Tyler and other people around him.

 

Tyler _knew_ he’d been staring for what seemed like forever, swiping back and forth in between the photos, mouth agape in surprise. Josh was probably pretty nervous, since Tyler already knew he got antsy when Tyler didn’t reply fairly quickly to texts Josh wasn’t completely confident about sending.

 

“Holy fuck, Tyler, he’s hot. Marry him? For me?” Mark said with a chuckle, leaning back on the bed to let Tyler have privacy in texting Josh back since apparently he had some sense of personal space _some_ of the time.

 

Tyler didn’t really know what to say to Josh.

 

**Sorry that took so long, but, wow. Um. How do I say this respectfully? You’re beautiful. Like, unearthly gorgeous. Sorry.**

Mark scoffed. “Beautiful? Who are you Nicholas Sparks?”

 

Tyler punched him in the arm.

 

**Josh:**

_okay, I was worried for a second there_

_I really can’t say anything here without sounding like a sappy teenage girl, so ill just go with thank you, im blushing and its embarrassing but at least you can't see it_

_eye for an eye? Let me see your face, Tyler Joseph._

**Don’t get too excited, lover boy.**

 

 _Shit,_ Tyler didn’t really have any good photos of himself, and it was gonna be the very first time Josh ever saw him. His competition was pretty rough, and Tyler needed to step up his game. He scrounged through his photos until he found a nice one his mom took for him a while ago, and then Mark suggested he send the selfie he send Mark as a joke a few weeks back. Apparently he looked pretty good, and Tyler decided to just take Mark’s word for it.

 

Anything taken a year ago was a no-go. Testosterone had made Tyler change severely in appearance by bringing out his jaw, straightening out certain features of his face and body, and it just overall made him look like a dude. Tyler was finally pretty confident in his body, most of the time, at least, and his face finally looked as masculine as it was going to get for a while.

 

Tyler sent a photo of him from a gig at one of the college bars, holding his uke and staring down at the ground with a shy smile on his face. Tyler thought he looked pretty damn cute in that sweater if he did say so himself, and it was just… him. Like that first picture of Josh, it was just a photo someone took of him while he only half-noticed only seeing Mark hold up his phone and give Tyler a thumbs-up.

 

Next was the selfie where Tyler gave off a slight smile that wasn’t as genuine as Josh’s had seemed, but he looked happy all the same. The lighting and angle showed off his high points, which were apparently his eyes and mouth according to Mark. He wasn’t so sure about that, his face was just his face. It shouldn’t have mattered.

 

Tyler was still so nervous, though. He added on another photo to make it three and sent them to Josh, hoping it hadn’t took too long. It was a little embarrassing to think about, and definitely nerve-wracking. At least Mark was being nice about it, giving Tyler pointers and waiting patiently for Josh to respond.

 

**Josh:**

_I can see what you mean_

_like, how am i supposed to reply?? Besides “wow you’re really damn cute” but i dont wanna weird you out so ill just say ur….. sexy. my old man penis is ready. there we go_

_its ok because we’ve already established that im a 50 yr old man who’s only purpose is to prey on you_  

 

**Are you saying you find me attractive, Joshua Dun?**

**Josh:**

_maybe._

_yes. definetly._

Tyler bit back a smile, nibbling on his lower lip. God, Josh was so sweet and understanding, a little nervous like him, and just so incredibly easy to talk to- Tyler felt like a silly schoolboy with a crush. It didn’t help that he was possibly the most flawless person Tyler had ever laid his eyes on.

 

Josh also lived on the other side of the United States.

 

**Good to know.**

**I may actually think you’re ugly, you never know my true feelings, bwahaha**

**You could say you’re… dun for…**

**Josh:**

_I am going to shoot you in the face._

_Just kidding, now that I’ve seen it, I admit you look like a little puppy dog and I could never hurt an animal that adorable._

_Important question, Tyler. Cats or dogs?_

And just like that, they were back in their groove again. Asking random questions to get to know each other more, having perfect conversations about the most perfectly random things and flirting with each other so subtly Tyler might not have noticed if Mark said, “he’s so into you, oh my god. He’s really into you.”

 

They agreed that cats were awesome and a lot easier to take care of, and Tyler thought he was a bit too much like a cat to own a dog.

 

**Josh:**

_and why do you say that?_

 

**I whine a lot, I eat the same thing basically every day, I expect attention to only be given to me when I want it, and I really like my head being scratched.**

**Also, I grew a tail last week.**

**Josh:**

_sounds perfect. I’m in._

 

 


	3. I Just Wanna Know What's On Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all have our demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you guys are gonna enjoy this.
> 
> warning for brief description of self harm/suicide attempt in this one.
> 
> I appreciate every single one of your guys' comments, by the way, and I love replying to all of them :))

**Do you want to fly away to another planet with me?**

**Josh:**

_yes I do, Tyler Joseph_

__

_but for real what happened, Tilly? What’s wrong?_

**Nothing happened, I’m just tired of being scared of being myself.**

**Josh:**

_you can talk to me._

Tyler often found himself laying in bed, up at 2 a.m, plagued by dark thoughts that haunted him and invaded his mind when he couldn’t sleep. They trapped him into a little corner until Tyler was just a little girl again.

It felt like he was a little girl again, 11 and dreading the day because he’d be forced to put on a flowing baby blue skirt and white blouse while his mother cooed and called him pretty, her _pretty little girl_. Tyler would be stuck as a 12 year old again, scared to try on training bras as his chest inevitably got larger. Whenever Tyler was stuck in that desert of his mind, he was always stuck as _her_ , daddy’s little girl, the terrified little boy that was sick of wearing flats and being called Miss and hearing words said affectionately with purpose of relief being spit at him like venom.

Tyler was 16 again, ignoring the frantic voicemails left by his best friend and his mother as he dragged the blades across his skin and sobbed, terrified once he saw blood pooling out too fast too _fast_. He was 16 and bandaging up his wrists, tears streaming down his bright red cheeks as he called 911, wanting to pretend it never happened, pretending he didn’t think he was a coward for not going through with it.

He just wanted the voices to stop, wanted to forget _her_. It wasn’t him anymore. Tyler was 19 and he was alive, and he wasn’t that scared little girl anymore, except sometimes, it almost felt like he was.

He was scared and alone and too tired to sleep, the light of his phone illuminating his arms and the barely noticeable scars that lay over his veins.

Tyler wasn’t sixteen but he could still hear the doctor’s voice, cold and distant from the faded effect of memory and the harsh emotions that came along with it's remains; “You’re lucky to be alive, Mrs.Joseph.” He hadn't felt lucky at all.

It wasn’t every night that Tyler felt like this. He wasn’t always haunted by memories of who he once was, but when it truly came back, it was enough to drive him crazy. Over the past few weeks, he’d discovered that Josh was more than willing to push Tyler through this dark times until the lull of sleep was too much, but Tyler knew there was nothing he could really do. It wasn’t like Tyler could tell Josh everything yet- it was always the hardest to first get the words out to someone you knew.

Josh was going to be kind and helpful and as amazing as he is about everything, but Tyler was… Tyler was _scared_. He was scared to let Josh see the 12 year old version of him that swarmed his late night thoughts and terrified him half to death.

Sometimes Tyler didn’t know if he was more scared of opening up so Josh could see or opening up to really take a look himself.

The past few weeks were some of the happiest of Tyler’s life. Josh would always send random texts of encouragement, or just something about his day or a pick-me-up, even if he wasn’t sure if Tyler needed it. He always appreciated it, and Tyler knew he needed to let Josh in through his armor. They both needed it.

Tyler was fully aware of how heavy he became when the thoughts started, and that’s why he usually wrote the feelings away and translated them into writing so that they were in the element he really knew best.

He needed to talk to Josh, but he couldn’t. He wanted to hear Josh’s voice, but he was too scared that Josh would see right through his.

Tyler wasn’t Katherine Joseph anymore, he had made sure to change his name so vastly to be distant enough, but his voice gave away his bright, feminine vocal chords sometimes and he just hadn’t had enough time to really change into Tyler Robert Joseph yet. Tyler needed to confidently be him to the whole world for one solid day.

**I’d rather just fly away with you.**

**I don’t want to be afraid of the night and these thoughts, Josh, they haunt me and sometimes I feel so alone, and I can’t even begin to explain it to you**

**Josh:**

_its ok to be scared, but you can’t run away forever, Ty_

__

_can i call you? maybe it’ll help?_

__

Tyler needed a distraction. The walls were closing in and he repeated his speeches in his head, the things he would’ve done differently, but it was always useless. He needed Josh.

**Please do.**

The phone rang for a split second before Tyler breathed deeply and answered, smiling as if Josh could see him. When he heard the voice through the phone, the smile became one less out of obligation and more out of elation.

“Hey, Tilly.” Josh said gently, voice cautious but caring. It was so high-pitched and absolutely adorable, and somehow the voice fit Josh. He’d expected it to be deeper, but Tyler found himself breathing out in relief when he realized his voice was _deeper_ than _Josh’s._

“I think I’m gonna drive myself completely crazy.” Tyler breathed out, laughing at how incredibly dumb he felt, always getting so worked up. “It’s good to hear your voice. Hey, Josh.” Tyler said tenderly, cradling the phone and laying on his side. The both just breathed for a few moments, Tyler playing with the hem of his light pink sweatshirt hoodie his mom had given him before he left to set up his college dorm and leave home for good until the next school break along with a _"stay safe, sweetie."_

“I’m worried about you. I know we haven’t been talking for long, and it’s been under the strangest circumstance, but I just… just want you to know you can trust me, ok? I don't know about you, but I find you easy to talk to.”

Josh’s voice sounded so sure, so full of hope and concern. It broke Tyler’s heart. The problem wasn’t that he didn’t trust Josh, it was more that he didn’t trust himself to handle it correctly anymore. Tyler knew he had to do it. It wasn’t a big deal anyways, right? Tyler just needed to be open. Be honest. He cared about Josh, and the fact that he thought Tyler didn’t trust him broke him into a million pieces.

“Okay.” Tyler breathed in deeply, waiting for some sort of approval from Josh before realizing they were still on the phone, and all he could do was listen to the other man’s breathing. ”So, there’s something you don’t know about me, and you won’t be able to tell because I’ve been-well- um, for so long, but-” Tyler remembered to take deep, steady, breaths, and he appreciated Josh’s silence on the other side of the line. The silence said _I’m here to stay. Take your time._  Tyler was so grateful for this gorgeous pink-haired boy’s existence.

“I-I’m transgender, Josh, and it’s been… rough. That’s the reason I find it hard to make friends, to trust people. T-things happened, and Mark wasn’t there to protect me, and I’m okay now, but I’m just-” Tyler choked back a sob, and a few tears spilled down his cheek and over his nose. “I’m always so scared.”

Tyler’s voice was miniscule, probably some degree of heartbreaking, and he felt too much in that moment. He was guilty for putting Josh through this series of emotions, but at the same time, he was… relieved. It felt good to tell Josh, this boy he liked so much after texting for a few weeks, and slowly, Tyler began to push the dangerous thoughts to the back of his head where he could tame them to the best of his abilities.

“Tyler, I won’t ever, ever, judge you or blame you. I want to know what these bad thoughts are all about. I want to know everything about you because I care, Tilly. If you’re scared, don’t be scared of me or of yourself. Be scared of the day that you aren’t frightened, because everyone around you has their own demons. I have mine, you have yours.”

Josh had a similar tone of voice that Mark did, except it carried this warmth that just felt like a big hug that engulfed Tyler, squeezed a few good tears and sobs until he felt deliciously numb, his mind just _Josh Josh Josh_ and his body and his insecurities, all so irrelevant.

“Thank you. Thank you.” Was all Tyler could say, choking out the last of his tears as he giggled with relief. “I feel so much better so quickly, god, you’re… I don’t even know.” Tyler sighed, flipping onto his back and just concentrating on the sound of Josh’s voice. Man, he was tired.

“I’m pretty amazing, I know.” Josh rumbled, voice thick with amusement. _I have mine, you have yours._

 

“Josh, what are your demons?” Tyler said after a few more moments of silence. He could hear Josh breathe in deeply, just like Tyler had done to prepare himself a few minutes earlier.

“It’s not like yours. It’s just… my dad left when I was 16, and it was kind of hard after that, having to worry about my siblings as well as everything else. It just gets to me, I don’t know. How could…” Josh’s voice was suddenly so weak, so fragile, and Tyler wished he could do something to bring it strength. He wanted to rub Josh’s back and run his fingers through those bubblegum pink locks and tell Josh that it was going to be okay over and over until they both believed it. “...how could he leave me? My sisters? My mom? I was just a kid, Ty. I was so scared. The last thing he said to me was “you’ll never become anything”. What kind of _fucked_ up father- what kind of _person_ says that to their _kid_ before they bail?” Josh’s voice turned into a furious snarl, still twinged with pain. It only made it that much sadder, and Tyler all the more upset. Tyler and Josh had both gotten into the habit of not swearing over the years, and it was so strange to hear him say those bitter words with so much repressed frustration and sadness. Tyler understood his bitter rage, though. He knew it like an ex-best friend.

Tyler’s hands curled turned into angry, clenched fists. Josh didn’t deserve that kind of pain, those kinds of thoughts to plague his own head. Josh deserved the world. Tyler hid his anger, not wanting Josh to be even more upset just because Tyler was for him.

“Josh, you deserve better than that, you really do. You don’t deserve those demons. I also know that you’re a good person, Jishwa. An amazing one. I’m here for you. I’m not gonna walk away, but I don’t know how much that would matter anyways, since we’re so far apart already-” Josh let out a soft chuckle, already sounding relieved. Tyler bet he felt that same wash of freedom after letting out his feelings to him like how Josh had made him feel. “-you’ve already become something, Josh. remember that.” He didn’t want to make Josh start crying as well, so Tyler lightened the mood as best as he could after a few more moments of smiling and simply enjoying the moment.

“So, what are you wearing?” He tried on his best sleazy voice, failing miserably and falling into a fit of giggles against his pillow and the phone speaker.

“I swear to god.” Josh gasped, still laughing lightly. “You’re going to be the death of me, Tyler Joseph.”

“I used to think I wanna die before I’m old, but because of you I might think twice.” Tyler blurted out, falling out of his sleepy, giggly trance as he shot up to turn on his light and grab his notebook. Tyler quickly scrambled to find a clean page and scribble down the words, quietly testing a few ways of singing it while ignoring Josh’s confused calls for him on the phone.

“I don’t care what’s in your hair, I just wanna know what’s on your mind.” Tyler hummed, skipping back to find a passage he wrote a while ago. The line he said to Josh seemed to be the missing line he had been looking for to complete the verse, and he sang it in its full length while holding the phone close and smiling to himself. "I need to know that when I fail, you'll still be here 'cause if you stick around I'll sing you pretty sounds and we'll make money selling your hair." He repeated, mainly to himself, going over the words in his head a few times until they felt right.

A song for Josh.

“Tyler.” Josh breathed when Tyler finally set his notebook down and turned off his light, apologizing a few times to Josh and explaining how he had to write things down quickly after he thought of them or he’d quickly forget it or miss certain words before taking another deep breath and calming his unnecessary rambling. “Yeah, Josh?”

“You have a gift, seriously. Your voice- wow, your voice- but seriously? Your thought process? No wonder you are kept up at night driving yourself crazy. All the best artists do.”

Tyler grinned to himself, eyes fluttering shut once again.

“I can’t express how much you mean to me in a normal way, so I guess I took the scenic route.”

_Oh, there was a line he could write something off of_ , Tyler thought.

Tyler was a little too happy laying down, slowly falling asleep to the sound of Josh’s voice as he spoke sweetly into Tyler’s ear. For a second, the 19 year-old could almost feel Josh next to him. His imagination was going wild as usual for this time of night.

_I think love you_ , was the last thing Tyler thought before he slipped into a peaceful sleep, the quiet hum of Josh half-singing a lullaby, soft and sweet in his ear.


	4. Two-Headed Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Skype sessions, very serious conversations with best friends, and then a little bit of bad decisions.
> 
> a.k.a I'm just really proving that Tyler Joseph is a puppy even further here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so after the emotional journey of the last chapter, let's have a little bit of fun. This is one of my favorite things I've written simply because of a) drunk Tyler Joseph and b) Haley Williams, my beautiful goddess that I worship daily. That is all. Thank you.

**Josh:**

_good morning!! I just woke up and its 1 pm and I have nothing to do all day, amazing_

**Joshua William Dun! How dare you sleep so late!**

**Josh:**

_hey, you're the one keeping me up late, this is all your fault._

**Don't blame me for your problems!**

**Ok, guilty as charged.**

**I have nothing to do all day here either. Actually kind of ready to rip my hair out.**

**Josh:**

_you wanna skype or something? your selfies are pretty great, and calling you is awesome, but having both at the same time is ideal_

**Yeah, sure. Don't blame me if I get all twitchy and nervous, though**

**Josh** :

_ditto_

Tyler took a deep breath and walked to the mirror on top of his dresser, examining himself for a minute. It wasn't like he had anything to worry about, it was just _Josh_ , but he couldn't help feeling self-conscious. Tyler had done lots of convincing to himself to try trick himself into thinking he didn't like a cute drummer boy who lived states upon states away, but Tyler just kind of gave up after realizing how much better he felt about practically _everything_ when he talked to Josh.

It was infuriating. It gave Tyler another reason to want to stab himself in his dorm bathroom, but then he _really_ knew he was just being dramatic after that.

With a heavy sigh, Tyler threw on a slightly more presentable pair of clothes (something without pasta sauce stains, at least) and kept his pajama pants because it was cold and a simple sweatshirt wasn't enough warmth on it’s own. Body heat was an evasive comfort for him.

Tyler settled on his bed with his laptop and rested against the wall and a mountain of comfortable pillows.

**What's your skype bro??**

**Josh:**

_catlover_66. dont judge me_

**Not in a million years**

Tyler signed in and added Josh as a contact, going to his profile and examining his profile picture. It was Josh, same pink hair, wearing crooked sunglasses and holding up a cat with a goofy grin on his face. He looked stupid, but in an overly adorable way. Josh's name on his Skype profile was Spooky Jim, and it made a wave of pride wash over Tyler. He didn't even know how or when he came up with that nickname, but he was pretty happy he did.

**Josh:**

_lane_boy, huh? Is there a meaning behind that username?_

**It's a song-ish thingy I wrote. I liked the sound of it**

**Josh:**

_it suits you_

__

_maybe you can read it to me? ?_

__

_call me whenever ;)_

Tyler was always nervous sharing his art, his writing, who he really was, but he could trust Josh. And it wasn't like Josh would force him, and Tyler would kill to see him smile. Tyler shared that part of him with Josh- the scared, nervous part that tried to solve his problems by writing, and Josh never judged him. He pressed the call button and positioned his computer on his knees, looking at his own face from the camera view on himself. He put earbuds in and turned up his volume, watching the little loading circle rotate and the silly profile picture blink away from the page.

"Hey!" Josh's voice said cheerfully, his face a bunch of slowly-loading pixels. Tyler could still recognize that smile, though. Josh's face stretched wide into a grin, eyes shining and hair all over his face. The pink had faded a little bit, turning into a nice pastel version that contrasted with his dark roots.

"Hey, Josh." Tyler returned the smile, grabbing his mug of tea and sipping it carefully with two hands, careful to not get any of the hot liquid on his computer. "Nice shirt." He giggled and set the mug down, raising one brow and looking at Josh skeptically. He was wearing a shirt that was not only really, really tight, but it happened to have spaceships on it and a giant cat head with rainbow lasers shooting from it's eyes. The fact that it looked well-worn also made Tyler like Josh even more.

Josh looked almost embarrassed for a second until he saw the amusement on Tyler's face, brightening up along with him and looking down at his shirt. "Yup. It's a personal favorite of mine. You already know how I feel about cats and space, so, obviously, it's best to put them together."

Tyler chuckled again and grabbed his notebook, readjusting his binder once he settled down again. He flipped through a couple pages, trying to find something good to read to Josh. He felt a little nervous, which was to be expected, but Josh looked so cute and patient and ruffled from sleep on the screen that Tyler couldn't bear to disappoint him.

"So, you wanted to hear some of my stuff? This is a sort-of song called Heavydirtysoul, no spaces. I'm still thinking about tweaking a few lines."

Josh nodded silently and Tyler shot straight into the song, finding the rhythm he thought matched the words best but feeling like it was empty with just his voice and no sort of instruments. "There's an infestation in my minds imagination, I hope they choke on smoke cause I'm smoking them out in the basement. Rapping to prove nothing, just writing to say something cause I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t rushing to say nothing. This doesn’t mean I lost my dream, it’s just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean." Tyler recited, emphasizing his words with his hands to try fill in the empty spaces where the lines needed to be transformed into music. Josh was wide-eyed, shaking himself from some sort of trance to clap like the dork he was.

"Tyler, that was a awesome. You're really, really talented. Now you just need the rest of the song." Josh threw him a thumbs-up and Tyler blushed, ducking his head and putting his notebook away. "Thanks, Jish. It was kinda hard to share just that bit, so maybe I can read more stuff later?" Tyler asked hopefully, feeling like he didn't really let Josh know that he was extremely thankful for his positivity and support.

"Dude, everything is up to you. I don't really have any writing talent, so... Here, look." Tyler could see the computer being shifted around and in the middle of Josh's dorm, surrounded by piles of clothes, was an electric drum set. Josh appeared from the corner of the screen, adjusting the computer for a second before backing up and sitting on the drum throne. When he was really close up, Tyler could almost count all of Josh's little faded freckles.

Since it was an electric set, Tyler couldn't hear anything except the tapping of drumsticks against some sort of acrylic, or plastic, or something with decent abundance. Josh flew around the kit expertly, throwing his whole body into the rhythm and moving incredibly naturally. Drumming was obviously like a second nature to this guy, and _damn,_ Tyler was beyond impressed.

"Gosh darn, Dun!" Tyler chirped once Josh shyly took control of his computer again, slightly sweaty from a few minutes with his kit. "You're better than anyone I've ever seen. No one puts their heart and soul into it as much as you. I tried playing drums once or twice, and it was pretty hilarious to anyone watching, I was really bad." Tyler said honestly, watching the way computer-Josh blushed modestly.

"I think we're both pretty awesome and we should start a band."

"We should!" Tyler giggled, sighing and stretching his arms. "So, what have you been up to, recently? I think Mark's gonna drag me to a party later, so, wish me luck on that one."

Josh let out a huff and he quirked his lips to the side, brows furrowed. "Uh, not much. Same here, kinda. Debby wanted me to go out with her girlfriend Jenna and a few of their friends, but I know they're just gonna try set me up with someone, so I used the good 'ol homework excuse." Josh looked fairly annoyed when he talked about this, but Tyler noticed he was mainly just tired. Tired and probably a little bit lonely like Tyler.

"Yeah, I hear you on that one." Tyler sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Mark thinks I should try go to get laid since I'm so against making new friends, but, like, I don't think I can handle having to explain to one more person why I have boobs. You know how hard it was to tell you, and it’s not like you ever came off as close-minded. It's exhausting. Also, all of those girls are usually straight anyways, and the guys usually go one way or another with no room in between." Tyler shrugged, looking down at the little rocketships on his bed sheets and tracing the dotted lines.

Tyler hadn't really slept with anyone before. He was fairly sure that giving some drunk dude a handjob and then leaving to let him pass out didn't really count, so it wasn't like he had a lot of stories to tell when it came to getting laid at parties, or, well, getting laid at all. He only minded a small fraction of the time. Tyler was more focused on having a relationship with someone, and the only person he could really see himself with was someone who lived in California, _Jesus_.

"I'm guessing that's happened a number of times, huh? I'm also always trying to find someone I can have a conversation with first, at least, but I think I'm just better equipped for a relationship." Josh sighed and scratched the back of his head, that tired look still on his face. "So, I was wondering, when did you come out to your parents? My mom didn't find out until i brought a boy home in 11th grade, and let me tell you, that did _not_ go over well. I just hope you had better luck."

"That must've been pretty rough. Well, they had no idea I was even queer until 10th grade, when I came out as trans and then added along 'oh, yeah, I'm not straight either' to the list to just kind of get it all out of the way at once. My parents looked at me differently for basically a whole year until things went down and they kinda stepped up." Josh nodded his head along with Tyler's response, showing that he was listening. It was refreshing to talk about this stuff with someone who could understand on some degree, since Mark was as straight as they came and quite confident in his masculinity. At least Mark didn’t get defensive when Tyler asked if he thought a dude was hot. In fact, Mark embraced that stuff to the point where Tyler wondered if he really _was_ the queer friend after all.  

"I'm sorry to hear that, dude. I was kinda hoping you had a cool mom, because my mom is awesome and maybe they could bond over how big of disappointments we are. At least I had a few good friends, and you had Mark, after all. I just hope what happened that made everyone come to terms with the situation wasn't too scarring. I don't like knowing you've been hurt." Josh was frowning, more so into the distance than at Tyler, and he felt this swarm of affection for Josh. People rarely told him things like that, or even let Tyler keep his privacy about things that obviously unsettled him. Not everyone was that considerate.

"Thanks, Josh." Tyler said warmly, offering a tiny smile. "Don't worry about me. I've actually been feeling a lot better recently, and I think it's because of you. My mom is pretty amazing, actually, and she got a lot better once I started T. Honestly, I’m such a momma’s boy, it’s kind of pathetic." Tyler and Josh both laughed at that, agreeing that they were, in fact, extremely homesick for their moms sometimes. “I text her or call her basically every day.” Tyler admitted proudly.

“Oh my god, me too. I miss her cooking. I don’t miss her criticism, but, whatever. After only having her and my siblings for so long, I learned to love all parts of her.”

Tyler realized as he laughed like an idiot that he didn't have to hide himself from Josh, put up his walls, because there really wasn't any reason to. Josh had never given him a reason to not trust him, and Tyler stared in awe at the pink-haired boy. It was nice. "You know," Josh said absently, shifting his position on his bed. "If it weren't for J.K Rowling, I wouldn't have had the pleasure to get to know you every day for the past month. I think you need to be thanking her."

Tyler grinned, mocking fake prayer. "Thank you J.K for giving me this wonderful human being, please let him come over here so I can hug him properly." He looked back down to the screen to see Josh looking at him affectionately, face full of sudden excitement. "Tilly, you know, Christmas break is in less than two months, and I think my mom is going to fly me over. We could see each other!" Josh's face broke into a grin, bright teeth flashing.

Tyler could see Josh. Hang out with him, really talk with him and get to know him in person for all of Christmas break. He was beyond excited. "Oh my god." Tyler breathed, smile reflecting Josh's brightly. "Are you serious? Find out, bro! That would be sick!"

“Sick.” Josh mirrored, rolling his eyes to Tyler. _God, he is so cute,_ Tyler thought, eyes lingering over Josh’s form. “I will find out, Ty, and then i’ll let you know. We’re lucky we aren’t farther apart.”

Tyler hummed in agreement, shifting on the bed again to sit cross-legged while his laptop balanced carefully on a couple of pillows. Josh could see his whole body in this way, and Tyler didn’t find himself being self-conscious for once. He was just _comfortable_.

They continued talking on skype for another hour, discussing different Harry Potter theories and their favorite holidays until Tyler had a permanent blush on his face from seeing Josh smile so much. Tyler liked halloween, which was only the next week, and Josh was a sucker for christmas. Tyler told him all about his costume plans, and Josh teased him for just wanting free candy. It wasn’t a very strong arguing point.

**Mark:**

_Coming for you now. Be ready in 3 mins. No excuses this time!!_

“Shit, Mark’s coming to kidnap me.” Tyler murmured, interrupting Josh in a very important and long-winded speech about the influence of R&B in the pop industry.

“Oh, and I gonna get to meet this best friend now?” Josh smirked, a devilish grin that Tyler couldn’t quite read into. Tyler hopped off the bed, setting his computer back down gently, and he strode across the room to put on a flowy floral layer to go over his plain black t-shirt and a pair of matchingly floral shoes.

 

“Mark is just gonna make fun of me and say embarrassing things, so I’ll give you guys two minutes.”

“That’s what I wanna hear, Tilly, but I think you’ve already told me every embarrassing story you possibly could.” Josh snickered for some reason, causing Tyler to whip around with his shoe half-slipped on. “Whats so funny?” He asked, eyes narrowed.

“Oh, nothing,” Josh covered his mouth with one of his hands, “you just have a really cute butt and that was an _excellent_ view.”

Tyler let out a squeaky noise of surprise and he turned the computer away from where he was trying to get dressed, blushing like a madman. His door opened at that, Mark’s voice thick with humor.

“Oh, did I walk in on something?”

Tyler’s eyes narrowed even further before he gave up, sighing and pulling on his shoe the rest of the way. “Hello to you too, Mark. I hope there’s beer wherever you’re taking me because there’s no other way I’m going to be able to converse.” Tyler wasn’t a big drinker, since he usually just got really sick and threw up his stomach contents after a few beers, but that afternoon he had felt a little stiff. Talking to Josh made him comfortable, but it also made his nerves run wild and his hands start shaking with nervousness. He just didn’t want to mess up that friendship and it made him anxious when he thought about losing Josh. .

“Don’t worry, my little prince. We’re going to Pete’s, and you know him. Really big on getting everyone drunk to spread the joy even though he can’t fool around with everyone now that he’s with Patrick.” Mark said, still amused. He walked over to Tyler to ruffle his hair. Mark still hadn’t noticed the laptop, and he only looked over when he heard Josh finally speak up. “Pete sounds like an upstanding guy.”

Mark made a curious noise and he flipped the laptop screen up, eyebrows shooting up once he saw Josh. “Ty! You didn’t tell me you were skyping the hot tattooed guy who you won’t stop texting! Hi, Josh, I’m Mark.” Mark introduced himself, presenting with a bow as he sat down on the bed and took a hold of the computer in his lap.

“I like that title. Not as good as Spooky Jim, though.”

“Oh don’t worry, that’s only one thing he calls you, the others are a little more explicit.” Mark leered with a wink. Tyler hated him.

“Mark.”

“Maybe just ask Tyler himself. I’m sure he’d be happy to tell you.”

_“Mark.”_ Tyler repeated, exasperated as he sat down on the bed next to his best friend. Mark pointedly ignored him and wiggled his eyebrows at Josh, being the immature little shit he was. If Tyler wanted a drink before, now he _needed_ it.

“What now, Tyler? What did I say?” Mark feigned innocence, failing to look like anything other than a 20 year-old man wearing a pout on his lips and sporting a rather impressive bat of his eyelashes. Tyler just rolled his eyes and put the laptop back on his propped up knees, offering Josh an apologetic smile. “Sorry about him. He’s still stuck in middle school.”

“It’s okay.” Josh smiled back at Tyler, eyes crinkled up in the corners. “I can appreciate some humor. I know you guys have to go, have a good night, Tyler. You look amazing, by the way. Text me when you’re free to tell me all about Tyler’s Exciting Night Out. Nice to meet you, Mark.” Josh looked so adorable, so genuine, eyes flickering up and down Tyler’s appearance on the screen. Another blush spread across Tyler’s cheeks, and since Mark was silent, Tyler knew he was up to something.

“You too. To, uh, both things. And I will, don’t worry.” Tyler promised, fiddling with his fingers and looking down at the keyboard.

“Bye, Josh!” Mark said cheerfully, waving to Josh.

“Bye, guys!”

Just like that, the call was over and Josh’s face disappeared from the screen and was replaced with Mark’s evil smirk, completed by a raised brow. “Oh my god. It’s worse than I thought.”

“I know. Can we go?” Tyler groaned, not exactly looking forward to the evening ahead of him. ****

~*~

 

Tyler was enjoying his evening.

He was _after_ two beers and one shot of some mystery substance (that burned his throat harshly on it’s way down), at least. After that, he decided to take it slow and enjoy the woozy, boneless feeling that tugged at his whole body and actually made it possible to laugh, to talk to people he didn’t even know.

Pete was hosting his small (if you could call it that) party in some random person’s house in the suburbs near the school, where no one could bust them except the cops. It didn’t really matter anyways, since it was only 9 and they weren’t making that much noise. Plus, there were only 30 or 40 people there.

Tyler had already spent some time conversing with random people and dancing to shitty radio music, feeling wonderfully light-headed and free of his usual worries. He didn't even know where Mark had run off to, and surprisingly, he didn't even care that he was all alone.

An attractive guy that was all skin and bones caught Tyler’s eye. He was leaning against a wall in the corner, hair slicked back and authentic-looking bright red bomber type jacket shrugged on over a black t-shirt. They ended up staring at each other for a couple seconds until they were interrupted by Pete’s voice shouting over the music, “Spin the bottle in the living room, bitches! Let’s relive 9th grade!” Tyler forgot about the guy for a second as he chugged the rest of his third beer and felt a wave of confidence wash over him. He headed to the living room, settling on the floor with a goofy smile, watching the hot dude push some of his bleached-blonde hair behind his ear. They made eye contact again, and the dude _winked_ at Tyler.

Tyler was a little too close to being on his way to being drunk to deal with the numerous possible indications of that.

“Okay! Everyone, as you know, I’m Pete, and I will be the first spinner for today. Let’s start with me, and then whoever I kiss gets the next spin, so on and so forth. We play until we get bored. May the games begin!” Pete shouted enthusiastically, a wicked grin plastered on his face. Pete's boyfriend Patrick was settled next to Pete and looked surprisingly calm considering Pete was going to kiss a random person in a circle of about 16 college students.

Pete spun the bottle and it landed on the hot lanky guy who had winked at Tyler, and the crowd let out a chorus of “ooooooh” as they crawled through the circle to get closer to each other. Blonde guy had a completely straight expression, barely blinking as their mouths connected in a stiff, short kiss. Once Pete got back to his spot, he started rubbing circles into Patrick’s thigh and he leaned over to give Patrick a proper kiss, soft and sweet but passionate. Maybe they were into watching their partner kissed other people or something, Tyler guessed. He wasn’t about to get caught up in the details of someone else's relationship.

“That’s Mikey, Pete’s ex. He doesn’t even look uncomfortable, that guy has intense powers of hiding his emotions, _Jesus_.” Mark whispered in his ear, causing Tyler to jump. He didn’t realize Mark was even sitting next to him, let alone offering him half of an open beer, and Tyler knew he was nicely intoxicated at that point already but it was a tempting offer.

Tyler hummed out a response, taking the beer and sipping slowly. It tasted a little less gross at this point, and Tyler just really wanted to kiss someone. And maybe have a heart-to-heart as well, whichever.

The bottle went from Mikey to Kristen to Lindsey to Brendon and then back to Mikey, the kiss between the hyperactive musician and the blonde a lot hotter than the one between Mikey and Pete had been. With every kiss, the group let out jeers and wolf-whistles, only egging on the pairs even further. Tyler was actually having a lot of fun, laughing about some random comment Mark said that he couldn't remember even as he was talking. Once the circle grew quiet and looked to him, Tyler finally pulled himself out of his dizzy, drunken haze.

Mikey was staring at him like he was some piece of meat, and Tyler wasn’t really going to complain. Mark slid his phone out and elbowed Tyler, urging him forward.

Tyler wasn’t going to back out of this kiss.

He crawled over Mikey’s lap as they met in the middle, Tyler taking fistfulls of the other man’s hair as their lips slotted together and worked into a pattern. Mikey’s tongue darted over the seam of Tyler’s lips and he instantly parted them, getting a little taste of the bony man’s mouth before they both pulled away, eyes dark and heavy. From the corner of Tyler’s eys, he could see Mark laughing and pulling down his phone, but Tyler was a little too pleased with himself to investigate. The crowd cheered and Tyler spun the bottle, turning his gaze from lustful to soft when he saw it landed on Patrick. He didn’t think the guy had even drunk anything that night, and Pete was looking like an overprotective bear mother, so Tyler landed a brief and cute kiss on Patrick’s pink cheek that left the other boy blushing.

Patrick had a nice mouth that he'd like to explore a bit more, _that_ was for sure, but Tyler was happy that he managed to avoid the wrath of Pete Wentz for the night.

Spin the bottle lasted another ten minutes before there were too many repeats and everyone got restless and bored, leaving to mill around and turn up the music. Before he knew it, is was 11 p.m, and Tyler had had _way_ too much to drink. He felt sick, as to be expected.

“Where’s Josh?” Tyler whimpered, pulling on Mark’s sleeve. He suspected Mark wasn’t anything more than tipsy, but he felt too queasy himself to care. “What?” Mark replied, and then his face of confusion turned into one that meant he had a _very_ bad idea.

“Gimme your phone. I’ll make sure Josh is ok.” Mark reassured him after a couple of seconds, holding out a hand. Tyler nodded and placed his phone in Mark’s palm roughly before running off to find a bathroom, just in case. He made it to the toilet right before he let out a gross stream of what was probably just nachos and beer, head slamming onto the edge of the sink while his hands fumbled to flush the damn thing. He was seeing double, or triple or _something_ that wasn't considered normal. Tyler couldn't really pinpoint when he had started to go a little overboard with the shots of vodka and the swigs of beer.

“C’mon, Ty, let’s get you back to the dorms.” Mark said calmly, pulling Tyler up by his arms. He let out a soft whine, obediently following Mark out and through the throb of drunk people.

“But you can’t driiive. You’re drunk, Marc-yus.” Tyler slurred, leaning against the wall for support and holding back another retch.

“I had one beer, but it doesn’t matter, because Hayley’s gonna drive you back. She and Andy are sober birds tonight. Well, Andy’s a straightedge so that applies to him 24/7, but whatever.”

Tyler lost track of what Mark was saying after the first two words, but he caught onto “Hayley” and “sober” and that was good enough for him. He liked Hayley. She was really funny and had the best orange hair _ever_. Tyler was going to tell her he loved her hair when he saw her.

“Phone?” Tyler managed to say weakly, unstable feet wobbling as he tried to move away from the car.

Mark held him back and slipped Tyler’s phone into his pocket, shooting off a text on his own before taking Tyler’s shoulder and guiding him to a car that was slowly rolling back up to the house.

“Love youuu, Mark. Don’t get in trouble. Don’t get pregnant, ok?”

“Will do, Tyler. Hayley, make sure he actually gets in bed and lays on his side and all that shit, ok? Oh, and don’t let him sleep in his jeans or his binder. That was pretty bad last time.” Mark said almost mechanically, waiting for Hayley’s nod of approval before closing the car door. Hayley buckled Tyler’s seatbelt for him when he couldn’t find the little slot, and her hair brushed his cheek softly. Hair.

“Your hair is fire.” Tyler blurted out, blinking at his own words. That wasn’t what he wanted to say.

“Thanks, Tyler.” Hayley giggled, clearly amused as his current state of drunkenness. Tyler was just kind of confused. Was fire orange? He couldn’t remember.

“Mark texted me your dorm number and I’ll walk you up and make sure you get undressed, ok? Are you ok, Tyler?” Hayley asked, starting up the car again very slowly as they started the drive back to campus.

“M’good. I miss Josh.” Tyler sighed longingly, turning his phone screen on and off as he contemplated texting Josh. What could go wrong? Tyler thought, swiping past his lock screen and going to his messages.

From then on, Tyler saw a bunch of pictures he didn’t remembered sending and a few replies from Josh he didn’t remember reading, and Tyler was too confused and too out of it to be able to focus on his screen and read the damn thing. He closed his phone again, saving his confusion for tomorrow. He just wanted to sleep, and maybe cuddle Josh. Eventually. Hopefully soon.

“Is Josh your boyfriend?” Hayley’s voice chirped from the driver’s seat, causing Tyler to pop his eyes open again and lift his head upright. _Not here, I can’t fall asleep here_ , he thought.

“I wish.” Tyler sighed, propping his chin up on the back of his hand as he stared out into the night and passing lights that flashed in and out of his view before he could really focus on any of them. They were silent for the rest of the car ride, which could’ve been 5 minutes or 15 but Tyler wasn’t really paying attention to anything until he was stumbling through his dorm room door, groaning about his binder pinching him for too long. He started taking his shirt off despite Hayley’s presence and he changed completely until he was just in his boxers and yet another sweatshirt, snuggled deeply into his blankets.

  
By the time he remembered he never thanked Hayley she was already gone, and after drinking a glass of tap water Tyler slowly drifted off into the most peaceful sleep he had had in a while.


	5. Dare I Call Us Acquaintances?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little snippet of the morning after and a progress report on friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost a little too silly for itʻs own good, but I know itʻll be appreciated ;)

Tyler woke up to a pounding headache that seemed to bounce against his brain and the inside of his skull, pulling a deep groan out of Tyler. _Hell,_ the last thing he wanted to do was leave his bed and see how late he’d slept, but he really needed some water. Tyler sat up in bed and blinked at the sun, wondering why it was so cruel.

_This is why I don’t go to parties._

After a long shower, two glasses of cold water, some random pain relievers and a pre-made frozen PB&J, Tyler felt a whole lot more alive and he let his mind wander to the events of last night. His conversation with Ashlee, all the dancing, kissing Mikey, throwing up, talking to Hayley, trying to read Josh’s texts-

Oh shit. _Josh._

Tyler scrambled to retrieve his phone from where he had plugged it in, quickly scrolling to his and Josh’s conversation. He went up to the last text he remembered sending and went down from there, reading with an intense look of confusion on his face.

**Josh:**

_hope ur having fun :))_

__

_don’t drink too much, okay?_

__

_i am so sad without u_

So far so good. It actually made Tyler smile, knowing Josh thought of him when they weren’t talking. Then Tyler saw texts were sent to Josh from his phone, which made no sense until he read them.

**Hey, Josh, It’s Mark. Tyler is good. didn’t follow your advice about the drinking, though**

 

**Okay, he’s having a little too much fun now..**

After that Mark had sent Josh 3 pictures. The first one of just him, hungry eyes that Tyler knew were directed at Mikey, but to Josh it must’ve been out of context (and hopefully a little hot to someone besides himself). It was better than embarrassing, at least. Tyler's face was right next to the camera, showing off every line and curve, dragging out the effect of Tyler's dark eyes and tight little smirk that he didn't know he was capable of.

The second was of him and Mikey kissing, his own hands tangled in those blonde locks and a look on his own face that he couldn’t quite recognize or pinpoint. He was straddling Mikey, too, clearly. Tyler didn’t quite remember _that_ part of the evening.

The third was of Tyler biting his bottom lip after the kiss, lips wet and half-lidded eyes gone darker than before.

The pictures Mark sent to Josh were practically _obscene._ Tyler was going to kill him, but he decided to actually read through the rest of the conversation before he did that.

**You’re welcome, Dun. If you never hear from me again, it means Tyler killed me after he woke up n saw this**

**Josh:**

_there are no words._

__

_you are a horrible friend to Tyler in this instance, but i am so glad that you are bc that means you are being very kind and generous to me_

__

_make sure he gets home ok, please?_

**On it right now.**

**Josh:**

_have a good night_

That was the end of the conversation. Tyler started at his phone for a few seconds before letting off a high-pitched squeal, partly out of happiness and still a bit out of humiliation. Oh, he was going to _kick_ Mark Eshleman’s _ass_ next time he saw him- and maybe kiss him as well.

Tyler spent a few minutes worried over what to say to Josh before he decided to just call him, fingers twitching nervously as it rang out.

“Tilly?” Josh’s voice sounded from the phone, and Tyler kind of wanted to cry in relief from how good it felt to hear his soft-spoken and gentle voice.

“Hey, so, should I be mad at Mark or be glad? Did you enjoy those photos that were taken without my consent or awareness?” Tyler said nervously in one long strand of words. Josh’s breathing audibly hitched and it didn’t help Tyler’s cause.

“They were. Um. Appreciated.” Josh mumbled, sounding a little ashamed of himself. They were both silent for a moment, the gears turning in Tylerʻs head.

“Joshua William Dun!” Tyler exclaimed, voice rising an octave once he realized why Josh seemed so embarrassed. He was an honest guy, and sometimes it didnʻt work out in his favor in situations like this from Joshʻs own perspective. “Did you _sin_ and touch yourself to pictures of me getting friendly with another dude?” Tyler giggled, rolling on his back and squeezing his eyes shut in laughter.

“Tyler!” Josh exclaimed back, sounding exasperated but relieved. “What did I tell you about sin talk in this christian household?”

“You’re avoiding the question.” Tyler grinned to himself, taking pride off of the fact that he was getting Josh all flustered and embarrassed.

“You already said the answer.” Josh said, grumbling again. Tyler was giddy with excitement and all the current power he held over Josh. “Stop laughing at me, asshole, you’re supposed to be horrified. Disgusted with me, even.”

Tyler smirked. “Too bad, Jishwa Dun. It’s a little too late for that.” He could practically hear Josh’s smile through the phone. Sometimes he forgot that Josh wasn’t actually close to him, and he wouldn’t be able to touch him or talk to him without the barricade of timezones or technology, and it just… sucked. Tyler was completely flattered that he was a source of jerk-off material, at least. “You want a couple more?” Tyler said with the best sleazy voice he could try on, imagining a shudder that was potetionally running through Josh’s body at the words. He could hear Josh suck in a sharp breath through the phone's speakers.

“Jesus, Tyler, don’t say shit like that.” He said in a breathless voice, only making Tyler feel even more confident.

“Eye for an eye?”

Josh was silent for a minute, causing Tyler’s blood full of thrill to start to turn icy cold with fear of rejection. Josh was probably just as nervous as him, though, because he responded in a voice full of fake confidence.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Joseph.”

“Let me tell you about the mini disasters of my night first. Josh, I literally told the girl who drove me home that her hair was _fire_ when I was trying to compliment her on it’s pretty orange-y ness. Not as good as pink, given, but it’s still pretty sick.”

Josh laughed lightheartedly and Tyler finally eased up, feeling glad to get into the familiar groove of their friendship. As amazing as flirting was, it was nerve-wracking to Tyler and most likely to Josh as well.

He re-told the events of the night to Josh with an extra flare to make his life seem more interesting and less alcohol-dependent when it came to loosening up and having fun. He explained the kiss with Mikey and the pictures to provide some background information, which apparently didn’t matter all too much to Josh because they made him very happy anyways. They poked fun at each other, and before Tyler knew it, his headache was old news and he realized he needed to get some real food.

“I think I’m gonna go see if the dining hall has any mac n cheese. I need to eat food that isn’t a granola bar or instant noodles for once or I think my body will take revenge on me somehow.” Tyler spoke up, examining his face in the mirror. His usual bags under his eyes had faded away, and Tyler actually did get a refreshing night’s sleep despite the hangover. He looked a little bit more… alive.

“Yeah, no problem. Go on without me, Tyler, Iʻll survive somehow…” Josh said dramatically, and Tyler could just imagine him pretending to faint. “Youʻre a bad damsel in distress, Jishwa.”

“Oh hush. Let me have this one thing.”

“Goodbye, Josh.” Tyler giggled, preparing to end the call.

“Bye, Ty. Oh, that rhymed.”

Tyler hung up on Josh before they ended up talking another 30 minutes, which was bound to happen considering it had already happened a number of times. Tyler had even missed class once because Josh distracted him so well. Sighing, Tyler got up and threw on some jeans and a proper change of clothes, grabbing his wallet on the way out. He inspected himself one last time on is mirror dresser, approving silently. He snapped a quick picture of his outfit in the mirror and sent it to Josh, chuckling quietly at how serious he looked in his photo. His tattoos looked extra cool, though, and his curves actually looked flattering in the photo. Sometimes it paid off to be born as a girl.

**Josh:**

_damn. lookin finer than a sharpie there, Joseph_

__

_maybe I phrased that wrong. oh well. u get the point_

**Thanks Josh :))))**

**These hips donʻt lie**

 

**Josh:**

_iʻm sure ur right_

__

_go get food. I didnt hang up on you for nothing_

__

**Shush. On my way right now.**

**Probably gonna go bother Mark later and play Mario Kart**

**Josh:**

_oh hell yes, that is my GAME._

__

_when we do happen to meet, Tilly, you are SO on._

 

**Iʻm looking forward to that.**

**Josh:**

_me too._

Tyler didnʻt reply to that, and he slid his phone back into the back pocket of his jeans as he made his way to the dining hall.

“Tyler! Hey!” He heard Hayley shout, and Tyler spun around with a Josh-induced smile on his face to greet her. He was a little embarrassed of how he had acted last night, and he had remembered everything in great detail, but he had no recollection if Hayley was mad. She definitely wasnʻt now, as she was waving and beaming at him as she jogged to catch up with Tyler. It was the kind of thing friends did when they saw each other.

He wasnʻt really sure driving him home while he was tired and wasted was really a great start to a friendship, but Tyler decided to not worry about it and just roll with it. Hayley already knew he was trans, anyways, since Mark told her to make sure he got his binder off, and that was usually what Tyler feared telling people when they started getting sociable.

“Hey, Hayley.” Tyler smiled genuinely, holding the elevator door open for the bright-haired girl. Haley nodded out a thanks, and Tyler remembered he had forgot to thank her the night before. “Oh, hey, sorry for not telling you thanks. I donʻt know what wouldʻve happened if you hadnʻt driven me home last nice. I probably wouldʻve fallen asleep in the bathroom, and then this morning wouldʻve been even worse.”

Hayley giggled and pressed the button to the ground floor, tucking a strand of hair behind her hair before giving up and just putting it into a messy bun. Looking pleased with herself after that, she blushed in embarrassment when she realized she had left Tyler hanging on a response. “Oh, yeah! It was no problem. Oh, Tyler, you were _soooo_ cute. You kept talking about some guy, Josh, I donʻt know if you remember all of that- apparently you really like his arms. You gave a five minute speech on that subject alone.”

It was Tylerʻs turn to blush. His face turned bright red and he looked anywhere but at Hayley, who was looking at him with little hearts in her eyes. Was he really that drunk last night? He did like Joshʻs arms that much, they were _extremely_ nice, but that didnʻt mean Tyler was going to be vocal about it. “Oh, donʻt be embarrassed. It was adorable. You must really like him.”

Tyler nodded and bit his lip, looking at Hayley from the corner of his eye. “Y-yeah, I do. Did I really do that? I totally blanked on that. I remember telling you your hair is fire or something, though. Thatʻs embarrassing.” Hayley shrieked with another laugh, clasping a tight hand on Tylerʻs shoulder as she patted his arm. “That was honestly so funny, highlight of my night. And the best compliment Iʻve gotten on my hair, so, thank you.”

Tyler smiled shyly, looking at where her hand had slipped away from and they started walking out of the open elevator doors together, matching steps. “No problem. I meant to say I liked your hair. Uh, Josh has bright pink hair.”

Hayley let out a quiet “awwwwwh” noise, placing her hands on her hips as she walked. “Show me this mystery man right now, please.” Hayley demanded, and Tyler decided right then and there that he really liked her. She was pushy in the most endearing way. Tyler took his phone out again and went to his photos, having saved all the selfies Josh had sent him during the time they had started talking. Tyler was a little embarrassed to show them, actually saving them was beyond lame and cheesy, but Hayley was simply ecstatic over it.

“Oh my god! Heʻs so fucking cute!” She said in a high-pitched squeal, her hands covering her mouth before she took Tylerʻs phone and scrolled through all the photos of Josh. “Does he go here?”

Tyler sighed longingly, taking his phone back once she handed it back to Tyler and staring at the ground. “No, he lives in California, but heʻs from here. He might come here over winter break, though, and weʻll get to meet. Weʻve been talking for about a month now.” Despite all of Hayleyʻs girly squealing, Tyler actually found her bubbly personality really refreshing. She wasnʻt Mark or Josh, and she actually wanted to talk to him. Weird.

“That makes it even cuter. How did you start talking? Are you guys gonna date?”

“Uh, weird story of how we starting talking.” Tyler said cautiously, looking around the dining hall as they stepped in and made their way to the nearly-empty food line. It was only 11 still, and people usually ate lunch at 12 or 4 in the afternoon at college. There wasnʻt really an in between. Hayley looked at him patiently, shrugging her head to the food. “Tell me over brunch?”

“Deal.” Tyler smiled, scooping up a bowl of mac n cheese and grabbing a slice of chocolate cake and a milk to put on his tray.

 

~*~

“Okay, so ʻan eye for an eyeʻ? He totally wants to send nudes, and you totally set him up. Here, lemme ask him about it right now.” Hayley said, making grabby hands for Tylerʻs phone.

“Hayley-”

“Hush. Gimme.”

Tyler reluctantly handed her his phone, undoing his password and leaning back in his chair to pat his stomach. He ended up eating 2 bowls of pasta and a ton of other junk, and he was feeling rather good about life at that moment. “What are you texting him?”

Hayley handed the phone back, lips quirked in a smile that was quite possibly the perfect mix in between evil and adorable. Hayley had a tendency to do that, Tyler had discovered.

**So, does saying “eye for an eye” mean youʻll send me nudes/shirtless pics? xox**

Tyler glared up at Hayley, not exactly mad, just nervous.

“Ooh, heʻs typing. Shush, Tyler.”

“I wasnʻt talking.”

**Josh:**

_where is Tyler Joseph and what did u do w him_

__

_kidding_

__

_except not rly i just know Tyler is too timid to send that_

_also, “xox”? rly?_

__

_PS the answer is yes ;)_

“Oh my god!” Halyey shrieked under her breath, staring intently at the phone screen. “He already knows you so well, awwww. And he did say yes, so you donʻt need to kill me.”

Tyler just rolled his eyes and turned on his camera to take a selfie with Haley to prove it wasn’t him and he did, actually, have more than one friend for the time being.

**That was Hayley typing. This is Hayley, the one with fire hair. Sheʻs pretty awesome, if a little rash to transform my love life**

**Josh:**

_sheʻs adorable. tell her I say hi_

**No need, sheʻs reading all of these :((**

**Josh:**

_have her look away for a second_

__

_this is for your eyes only, Tyler Joseph_

“Oh my god.” Hayley whispered, looking at Tyler with wide eyes and beaming. “I was so right!” Tyler just turned away from her and frowned, waiting patiently. 1 new picture message. Tyler slid open the conversation again, anxiety bubbling up in his chest until he saw the picture.

It was Josh eating an orange, staring wide-eyed at the camera.

**Josh:**

_Hayley-cannibalism! Look horrified at your phone and don’t show her._

Tyler faked horror and it inevitably turned to surprise when Josh texted him again, the next picture a little different from the first. Tyler choked on whatever spit he had in his mouth, and he started coughing out of surprise.

Josh had sent Tyler a picture of him shirtless, a mirror selfie accompanied by a peace sign from one of Joshʻs hands. His face was scrunched tight and his mouth in a cute smile that bared all of Joshʻs bright teeth. Tyler was just caught off guard, _really_. Also, Josh was obviously working out a lot. Those arms werenʻt built out of nothing.

Josh sent one last picture, this time of Josh laying on his bed, still shirtless with lazy-looking eyes looking at the camera. One arm was resting under his head, the other holding the phone far enough to give Tyler an excellent view of his v-line and a few dark hairs that led down to the waistline of his boxers. His skin was dotted with freckles in places that looked like they got more. Tyler didnʻt know how he could be any more perfect.

He quickly saved and exited out of the photos, looking at his and Joshʻs conversation again.

**Josh:**

_thereʻs a sexy pic 4 u. enjoy ;)_

Tyler groaned and handed the phone to Hayley, easing her curious look that soon turned to one of glee. “You guys are perfect together, oh my god, itʻs so precious!” She giggled, eyes lingering over the photo about cannibalism. “Is that orange supposed to be me? Oh, heʻs clever.”

Tyler smiled shyly, taking his device back before Haley could type something possibly embarrassing and send it to Josh.

**I definitely appreciate them, thank you.**

**Hayley says youʻre really hot and I agree**

“He _is_ hot.” Hayley commented, crossing her arms and smirking.

“You wanna go?” Tyler asked, eyes flickering around the quickly-filling dining hall. Tyler wasnʻt exactly a people person, and he spotted Mikey along with a few of his friends out of the corner of his eye, which was strange, because Tyler hadnʻt even seen him before last night. At least he thought so. He really wasnʻt up to any awkward conversation or weird glances that morning, anyways, so he tried to subtly ask Hayley if she wanted to hang out that day.

“Yeah, sure.” She said absently, picking up her tray and stacking it on top of Tylerʻs. “I have class in about 20 minutes on the other side of campus, anyways.”

“Oh.”

“Donʻt look so sad, Tyler, I feel like I kicked a puppy. We can hang out afterwards if you want. Can I give you my number?” Tyler instantly perked up, blushing a bit. She somehow knew her place with everyone, and Tyler was glad she drove him last night. She was inspiring him into confidence. Tyler checked his phone after it buzzed again in Hayleyʻs hands, looking away from her as they started walking out.

**Josh:**

_what kind of appreciate? ; ))))_

__

_Hayleyʻs awesome. I like her. Maybe she can do my hair next time itʻs time to re-dye it_

__

_r u makin friends, Tilly??_

**The good kind of appreciating.**

Tyler couldnʻt help but blush at what he was saying, dear lord, if Josh never talked to him again then he would just have to understand.

**Sheʻd like that! Yeah, I am, she actually wants to hang out later but she has class soon so idk what Iʻm gonna do to entertain myself for a few hours. Maybe practice uke, maybe fully appreciate you and your body, so many options :))**

Tyler was really glad he didnʻt come off as nervous as hell to Josh, but it suddenly felt like their friendly flirting was becoming a little too common to be normal and Tyler wasnʻt able to contain himself from all his nerves going nuts all the time.

**Josh:**

_ooh. have fun w that, whatever you choose_

__

_ill think of some ideas 4 sexy photos in the meantime_

Tyler sent Josh a couple of random emojis and focused on talking to Hayley, avoiding questions about Josh and instead asked her about her classes, chatting with her about music and art until they reached her class and she settled down in the back next to some guy wearing his hood in the classroom, bobbing his head to a simple beat.

“Jeeeeeeeerr.” Hayley called, tapping his head until the dusty blonde dude looked up from his desk and took out his earbuds, blinking at Tyler. “Tyler, this is Jeremy. Heʻs a band with me and our friend Taylor. Jeremy, this is Tyler, heʻs best friend with Mark, who you met once through Chad. Tyler, Chad is my boyfriend.”

Tyler blinked all through her explanation, remembering it was rude to not say anything during an introduction. He offered the least rough of a smile he could manage to Jeremy, waving his hand gently. “Hiya.”

Jeremy nodded back at him and put one of his earbuds right back in, looking a little hungover. Maybe he was just always like that, though. Tyler didn’t know. He was pretty cute, if a little grumpy, and Tyler immediately noticed how similar his gauges were to Josh’s.

“Sorry about him. He’s moody before 3 p.m, which is when he thinks it stops being the morning.” Hayley said, rolling her eyes. She brought out a few books and folders and started rifling through them until another guy came over and sat next to Tyler, his eyebrows raised curiously. He seemed more energetic than Jeremey, and he was definitely more friendly. “Hi, I’m Taylor, I’ve never met you.” He said with a polite smile, staring at Hayley for an explanation.

“Taylor, this is Tyler. I drove him home last night and today I texted a boy for him, so I think my job here on this earth is done.” She said proudly, nodding her head in approval of herself. Taylor mirrored the action along with her. Tyler didn’t worry about anyone being homophobic or even possibly transphobic- Hayley seemed too cool to associate with people like that, thankfully.

“Uh.” Tyler started, staring down at his hands. “Should I go? Looks like class is going to start soon, and-”

“Yeah, whatever you want. Text me, ok? We should go get dinner. I know a great vegan place. I’m not vegan, but Andy works there and it’s fantastic.” She shrugged, eyes full of hope this hid behind her eyelids. Like Tyler could even say no to her. His face broke out into a smile, nodding and checking the time on his phone before standing up and letting Taylor replace him in the seat. “Sounds awesome! You guys want to tag along?” Tyler asked the two dudes, shoving his hands roughly into his pockets.

“Sure.” Jeremy said, then promptly yawned and put his head down onto the desk, and that was that.

“I don’t think I have plans.” Taylor nodded again.

“Cool. See you later.” Hayley waved, reaching both of her hands up to put her hair down. Tyler walked out of the room quickly, ignoring any incoming eye contact from the students that were slowly filling into the classroom. _Friends_. Tyler was making friends.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I "appreciate" all your feedback. hehe. 
> 
> Will there be smut eventually? Hopefully.
> 
> Will they meet? yes. Soon? Uh, lets hope so.


	6. Breaking Out

After a quiet walk back to his dorm, Tyler flopped down on his bed and started a movie, making some microwave popcorn despite his fullness. He was halfway through Toy Story 3 (he’d seen it so many times he didn’t cry anymore, at least) when he saw that Josh had texted him another picture, and Tyler curiously opened his phone to see it.

There wasn’t any sort of caption or message yet, just a picture of Josh in white gym shorts sitting on a black drum throne with a pair of sticks sitting on the snare.

**Josh:**

_with my best friend._

__

_did you appreciate my pictures yet??_

__

Tyler smiled to himself, pausing the movie and discarding his computer to the side of his bed. He was getting kind of bored of just sitting there watching it, anyways. Josh was a little more important.

**Looks like you’re an even bigger loser than I thought, Joshua Dun.**

**Not yet, in the middle of Toy Story 3 although I did just close my computer so I guess that’s over.**

**Josh:**

_says you :P_

__

_oh damn, those tears are real w that movie_

__

_i’ll just wait patiently then :)_

__

**I know, right? I’m not ready to go through that again apparently**

**Go play your drums, Jishwa. Let me live.**

**Josh:**

_: D fiiine._

Tyler smiled and scrolled up through their conversation, looking at the pictures Josh had sent him earlier. He really was beautiful, all soft and slender lines and curves that shouldn’t have worked as well on him as they did. Tyler didn’t even want to begin on his arms or the trace of his hipbones, because _Jesus_. He was absolutely beautiful. It didn't help that he was probably the nicest human being Tyler had met.

Tyler tended to daydream about Josh's smile and the way his eyes got all tight and squinty when he was really amused. He thought about Josh’s voice when he got all concerned for Tyler (which was fairly often), his too-tight t-shirts, the way his texts always seemed to brighten up his day no matter what.

Hell, Tyler loved Joshua William Dun.

Maybe it wasn’t so much that he was _in_ love with him, he hadn’t known him for long and Tyler had never even met him, but he cared for him to the point where he grew upset when they didn’t talk for a while, where he thought about curling up in his arms when he couldn’t sleep, where it was more than just liking him and finding him attractive.

Tyler didn’t know how to tell him. What to tell him, even. Maybe he’d drop it at the end of their next voice call or something.

He couldn’t get Josh out of his head.

Tyler wanted to know everything about his life, to the way he liked his pizza to how he felt after his dad left. Tyler wanted to kiss him, to touch him in every possible place until Josh knew he loved him. Most importantly, Tyler wanted to fall in love with Josh Dun because he knew it was completely possible.

Tyler sighed and pulled back on his hair, his eyes fluttering shut and a bubbly feeling rising high in his chest. This was going to be a tough crush to get over.

For now, his goal was to fully appreciate Josh’s (admittedly aesthetically pleasing as well as hot) pictures he had sent Tyler. For Josh’s sake.

~*~

“Tyler! Open up!”

Tyler was awoken from his nap to hear someone violently pounding on his door.

“Mark?”

Tyler clambered out of bed, pulling his shirt down and his boxers back up on his body, face flushed and hair falling all over his face despite it's short post-haircut length. He unlocked his door and opened it to see Mark standing there with his hands on his hips. He was accompanied by Haley and Taylor. He flushed further at that, realizing he wasn’t wearing a bra or anything of the sort and it kind of looked like he’d just been doing something other than sleeping, which, well, _was_ true in a certain sense.

“Did we interrupt something?” Hayley giggled, her hands covering her mouth. Tyler’s eyes narrowed at Mark, unmoving.

“I was sleeping.”

“Sure.” Mark eyed Tyler mischievously, looking horribly smug. “We texted you a couple of times and you didn’t answer, so, here we are. It’s 6:30. Get dressed. We’re going to go eat vegan food and have a good time.”

Tyler shuffled back into his room, waving at Taylor before shooting one last weak glare at Mark before closing his door and quickly throwing on some clothes, yawning and trying to decide on a button-up. He settled on a white one with, of course, an antique-looking floral pattern. He grabbed his phone, scrolling past all the texts the two had sent him.

**Mark:** __

_Hey, asshole, dinner in 30 minutes?_

**Mark:**

_Hayley invited me, unlike you :))_

**Hayley <3:**

_It’s cool if Taylor and Jeremy come, right? They’re cool. Oh, and Joe is there bc Andy is working and Joe apparently wants to marry Andy or something, idk. He’s also cool_

 

Much to Tyler’s amusement, Hayley had put a little heart next to her name when she put her number into Tyler’s phone. It wasn’t even an actual emoji, just a less than sign and the number three.

**Mark:**

_Not funny. Answer meeeee_

**Hayley <3:**

_Apparently you didn’t answer Mark either sooo_

**Hayley <3:**

_we’ll be there in 5_

__

Tyler sighed, defeated, and opened the door to see the trio pacing back and forth and leaning against the opposite wall, in Taylor’s case. Hayley clapped her hands together and beamed. “Great! Ok! Let’s go. Taylor is driving, and we’re meeting Jeremy and Joe there. JJ. Haha. I’m funny. Somebody laugh.”

Everyone let off a fake laugh just to please her, since Hayley was always so cheerful and Tyler really didn’t want to know what she was like when she got angry. He inspected Taylor while they walked out to the parking lot, getting his first actual look at the guy since Tyler had first met him. He had short, dark curly hair partially covered by a bright red beanie and thick eyebrows to match. A couple of freckles and some light stubble littered his chin, amplifying the noticeability of his rather nice jawline and cheekbones. They were all dressed in coats and jackets, Hayley in a bright red scarf, Tyler himself wearing his army green raincoat that worked well to bring out the tan and olive undertones in his skin.

Ok, that was a little too stereotypically gay for Tyler to do anything but think of and giggle silently about.

His mind drifted on the way to the restaurant, giving one-worded answers as he started off into space. Or, well, stared at the blurred road as the car sped along the primarily empty streets, very quiet metal music playing through the car speakers only making the scene more humorous to Tyler.

Mark, thankfully, didn’t give Tyler any questioning looks as they all filed out of the car. He understood that his silences didn’t always mean he was anxious or going through one of his bad stages, and sometimes he just wasn’t up for talking as much as usual.

The restaurant, _The Happy Rabbit_ , had a soft and gentle vibe that calmed Tyler’s nerves as soon as he stepped inside. There were so many art pieces and cute little carvings of rabbits and other forest themes that Tyler almost expected it to be their main dish, except it was a vegan restaurant, so he supposed they wanted to focus on the minimal animal casualties that involved their menu items. Tyler felt like he was walking through an artificial forest while he admired the lighting, as well. White christmas lights draped from the frames of the windows and the black ceiling was dotted with smaller lights and spots of white paint that resembled stars. He snapped a quick picture to send to Josh later, quickly hiding his phone again as to not appear rude before following everyone to a circular table with an impressive vase of fresh flowers sat. There was probably a big flower garden in the back of the restaurant or something, Tyler hypothesized.

“Hey, guys, welcome to the Happy Rabbit.” A soft-spoken voice popped up from behind Tyler as he started to sit down. He turned around to see who he assumed was Andy, from the way Hayley had described him somewhat briefly. He was covered head to toe in colorful tattoos that curled gracefully around his defined muscles, and he sported a neatly-trimmed ginger beard that was humorously different than his brown hair that was combed and gelled back professionally. Overall, he looked like he could beat anyone up if he wanted, but he had a gentle voice and presence that assured Tyler that it was the last thing on Andy’s mind.

“Andy!” Exclaimed a voice, belonging to no one other than Joe Trohman, a guy with an impressive afro that came out of nowhere and tackled Andy in a big bear hug. The bearded waiter didn’t look surprised, and he just squeezed Joe back before wrapping his arms around Hayley briefly and nodding to the rest of them with a gentle little smile. 

Joe sat down at the last empty spot on the table, grinning and eyes glazed over and tinged pink. Oh, right, Joe was the major stoner Pete was talking about at the party the other day. Tyler figured that he must’ve arrived right after them, although he seemed like he would want to pester Andy a lot more while he was working. “Jeremy not coming?” He asked, looking a bit crestfallen.

Taylor shook his head, looking grim. “Nah. Said he wasn’t feeling it, so, Mark here is the replacement. I think you guys have all already met, right?”

Tyler nodded his head, and Mark gasped and clutched his chest. “Oh, so I’m just the replacement? I feel used.” Tyler smiled and rolled his eyes pointedly in Mark’s direction. “It’s ok. I’m used to it.”

“Mark, don’t be a drama queen.” Tyler giggled, opening the menu to copy the movements of everyone else around the table. Next to him, Mark just leaned over to look at Tyler’s menu instead of his own.

“You stop being… whatever you are, Tyler.”

Andy placed a hand on Joe’s shoulder, leaning on one hip as he stared at the group. “Can I get you guys anything to drink?”

“Can I get an iced tea, please?” Tyler asked quietly, narrowing his eyes as he stared intently at the menu. Andy hummed out a response and the rest of the table ordered water and broke out into a conversation that Tyler wasn’t exactly paying attention to, catching something about basketball season and upcoming shows for different bands the guys and Hayley were in.

“Oh, your boyfriend plays the drums, right, Tyler?” Mark teased, smugly grinning at his friend and crossing his arms. Tyler’s attention snapped back to full focus, staring nervously around the table. Hayley just snorted and smirked at Tyler, a knowing look that he had learned to become intimidated by since he had started talking to her.

“Not my boyfriend.” Tyler grumbled back, taking a sip of his water. He didn’t press again, though, and everyone seemed eager to discuss the importance of drummers and bassists in a band. Tyler would have to go see Hayley and Taylor perform sometime, with how loudly she could squeal, Hayley must have some pretty impressive vocal chords.

Suddenly, Tyler realized he had real, genuine friends.

Not just Mark and a boy who didnʻt even live there, but people he could laugh with, go out to dinner with, text randomly to hang out with and ask a different one if they werenʻt free. He had gotten so used to just having Mark for the longest time, and it felt… nice to be making new friends.

As he looked around the table, he realized that these were people he could be comfortable with even if he didnʻt know them since middle school.

Slowly, Tyler was breaking out of his little shell, and strangely, he was okay with it.

 


	7. To Die By Your Side Is Such A Heavenly Way To Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Halloween day, and Tyler gets a little bit of bad news.

Halloween day left Tyler in pre-party jitters as he adjusted his costume over and over, trying to decide whether or not he wanted to make any last-minute changes just to cure his need to find something to occupy his hands and his mind until Josh was ready to see it.

Tyler came up with an elaborate costume every year and tagged along with Mark to a party to leave people in awe of all his hard work. Last year, he went as Captain Jack Sparrow, and the year before that he was a dracula-type old age vampire. This year, he was extra excited.

After joking about being undead skeletons with Josh for a solid 30 minutes, Tyler had decided to make himself a full-bodied costume that consisted of a black jumpsuit that covered everything but his hands, feet, and head. Glow-in the dark bones fitted onto the costume bent easily and looked sick as hell with the lights off, and the colorful paint highlighting the structures stood out especially well under a blacklight. Tyler had spent the majority of his time working on the mask, trying to make it as realistic as possible and he couldnʻt be blamed if it resembled the misfits logo as well. Call it skeleton inspiration.

Looking in the mirror with the lights off, Tyler looked like a spooky undead entity of the punk rock industry.

Excited to show Josh, Tyler waited for him to answer Tyler on skype and he waited patiently, standing in the middle of his room in complete darkness so Josh would see it right away.

“Hey, T- oh, Jesus, that is awesome.” Josh blurted out, eyes shooting up in surprise. That was when Tyler saw what his costume was.

“Are you…” Tyler paused, mouth quirking up in a smile. “Are you supposed to be Jack Skellington?” He said, clearly amused that they somehow accidentally coordinated costumes. They had decided to leave it as a surprise for halloween day, and Tyler started giggling from the sheer irony of it all. “I knew you were a dork, but, still. This is a whole new level.” He laughed, stepping around the room to turn his lights on. Tyler took off his mask and sat down on his office-like chair, readjusting his laptop that was sitting on his work desk.

Josh had expertly-done face makeup to re-create the fictional character, black and white makeup highlighting and carving his eyes, cheekbones, and mouth to resemble Jackʻs skeleton head. He looked gorgeous, really, with his sunk-in looking eyes and devilish drawn-on smile. Josh was wearing a dark pinstripe suit with a flaring collar like Jackʻs that it looked like he made himself. Tyler was impressed at his commitment.

“Debby did the makeup, and Jenna helped with the costume. Itʻs pretty dope, right? Howʻd you do yours, skeleboy?” Josh asked, lifting up his hands to show off his fingerless skeleton gloves that looked really similar to Tylerʻs.

 

“Thats awesome. I did pretty much this whole thing myself, and I think i created more work for myself by insisting on getting special bones so they would glow like this, but I think it was worth it.” Tyler showed off his costume one last time, spinning around to give Josh a full view.

“This is all your fault, you know, being all obsessed with skeletons and all.” Josh cuckled, swiping some of his hair out of his face. It was bright red now, and Tyler actually really liked it, although he had grown attached to the pink.

“My fault?” Tyler laughed, clutching his chest defensively. “You started it, Jishwa.”

“Yeah, but you were persistent.”

“Yeah, but-” Tyler paused and rolled his eyes. “Ok, whatever. What are your plans for tonight?”

“Party, same as you, right? Sadly, Iʻm a little too old for trick-or treating.” Josh sighed, straightening out his collar. Tyler giggled at the thought of Josh attempting to beg strangers for candy because it seemed all too plausible.

“Yup. Gotta leave soon, but I wanted to upstage you in costume-making. Since you cheated and got help, I think I win.” Tyler said proudly, crossing his arms in a challenge to Josh.

 

“Cheated?” Josh exclaimed. “Those werenʻt the rules!”  
  


 

“There were no rules.”

“Exactly, Tilly.”

Tyler just smiled at Josh, biting his lip and taking one last moment to admire his costume. “Nice hair, by the way. It turned out nice.”

“You think so?” Josh asked absently, carding a hand through the cherry-red locks out of habit. “I think I needed to be extra seasonal for the day of spook. It fits pretty well.” His bright smile only made the face paint seem even bigger, almost all of Joshʻs face stretched into a curling grin.

Tyler nodded, eyes fluttering shut for a moment. “True enough, Spooky Jim. As Iʻve said, best holiday.”

“Besides Christmas.”

“Right.” Tyler smiled, an open glint in his eye. “Oh, did you find out if youʻre coming here for christmas?” He asked hopefully, fiddling with his glove-covered fingers and trying not to look too desperate. Tyler wanted to meet Josh more than almost anything, but he wasnʻt sure if Josh felt the same way.

All of the sudden, Joshʻs happy expression fell and Tylerʻs hope fell flat. With a shaky voice, Josh spoke quietly to Tyler. “Iʻm so sorry. My mom just- just canʻt afford it this year with all of my college loans and the rest of the kids, and I was going to tell you, but.” Josh looked down at his lap, eyes flickering nervously. “I didnʻt want to. I was so devastated when I found out.” Josh really did look like the world was ending or something, and suddenly Tyler was the one to feel bad.

“No, no, Itʻs ok. I wouldnʻt be able to fly over to see you, either. Itʻs not your fault.” He said sadly, heart falling. Suddenly, he wasnʻt so excited about his evening, but at least Josh did want to see him in the first place.

“Weʻll work something out.” Tyler promised, looking at Josh sympathetically. “If I have to sell all my clothes to get on a plane and see you, then I will.”

Joshʻs grim expression lifted and he broke out into his usual laughter, eyes sparkling. “Tyler Robert Joseph! Keep your damn pants on!” He exclaimed, eyebrows shot up on his face. “Thatʻs sweet, though, thank you. I donʻt deserve you, honestly.” Josh sighed, eyes flickering to the corner of his room sadly. Tyler wanted to wipe that expression clear off of Joshʻs face- he never wanted Josh to think of himself as anything less than amazing.

“I donʻt deserve you, man. Not after all those emergency calls where I was freaking out over practically nothing.” Josh rolled his eyes at Tylerʻs words, passing him off and arguing against his point. “Yeah, no, donʻt be dumb. Are you forgetting I text you every time my anxiety gets bad about the same stuff? Itʻs a fair trade, Tilly. If only we could fly far away and live on, like, Pluto or something.”

“Donʻt even get me started on Pluto.” Tyler grumbled, although there was a huge smile plastered on his face at the words. “One day, Jishwa. One day.” Tyler promised, hoping that things would turn out for the best.

“Thereʻs no place Iʻd rather be but be by your side.” Tyler said honestly, believing every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I have plans for this. No way it's gonna end like this, I'm not that evil :)


	8. We'll Be Keeping Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, a little white lie is really for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to update, guys! I'm on a trip rn and I haven't gotten any opportunities to snag the laptop to format this stuff. I have been writing snippets on my phone, though. I'll try to keep this consistent as usual!! xo

Tyler tried not to be too upset as winter break loomed closer. Tyler and Josh talked almost constantly and pointedly avoided the topic of seeing each other until it became time to discuss plans. Josh was a little distant and unsure when talking about his break, and Tyler was as indecisive as always.

Maybe he was also trying not to get his hopes up as well.

He hadn’t known for Josh that long, a few months at least, and he didn’t understand why he was so upset. Maybe it was because it had just seemed so _likely_ to happen, since Josh’s family lived so close after all. They were both from close towns in Ohio.

By the time school had ended and Tyler was stuck back in his old room. His dusty keyboard and posters greeted him like a old friend, a little distant but it still felt like home. Tyler focused a few days on re-arranging everything to ignite a change in his old life. He also focused on music again, which was something he had lost for a while in the rush of school and finals and so much stress.

Josh was apparently staying with Debby for christmas, which made him happy, but he told Tyler that he wished they were spending it together.

Tyler couldn’t help but feel the same way.

A week before christmas, Tyler’s session where he was making a few final edits to the song he was working on as a present for Josh was interrupted by his mom, who usually knew when and when to not disturb his creative process. Most of the time, it wasn’t the best idea.

“Tyler?” She peered into the room, holding an envelope. She had her usual sweatpants and messy bun on, face aged but still youthful with the way her eyes lit up. Tyler really loved her, and he couldn’t help but smile when he saw that she was wearing the shirt he had given as an early pre-christmas christmas present. It said “World’s Worst Mom”, a little inside joke of their own, and it made Tyler happy to know she’d probably wear it for the next month straight.

“Hey.” He sighed, taking off his headphones and pausing the song. He needed a break from hearing his own voice, anyways, and audio editing was always the hardest part of making music since it meant things were final. “What’s up?” He asked, curious brow raised. She handed him the envelope, mouth quirked into a smile.

“This came for you.” Tyler looked down at the envelope, mouth falling open in shock. The return address was for Debby Ryan, and that could only really be one person on the planet. Josh’s best friend, Debby. “She messaged me on facebook and asked for our address a few days ago, said it was important. She mentioned Josh, who I know that you know.” She smirked, eyes crinkling up in amusement. “Anyways, I wanna see what this is all about. Open it, hon.”

Tyler’s hands shook in anticipation as he carefully peeled away the sealed part of the white envelope, the middle part of the flap covered with a cat sticker. It made Tyler huff out a laugh, of _course_ this was the girl who stuck by Josh no matter what. Damn cat lovers.

Inside, there was a folded up letter that Tyler started reading silently to himself. It was written in neat script, curvy letters on the edge of being cursive text.

“Dear Tyler,

So, I kind of wanted to do this in a way where you couldn’t refuse, so, here’s this letter.

Josh has been pining for you basically since he met you and he’s so torn up over not being able to see you that my house is filled with his pitiful sadness. Seriously, Tyler, he hasn’t showered in like, five days. It’s gross. He’s all mope-y and all he does is drink redbull and text you and sleep. Anyways, I thought it would be really cool if you could come up and surprise him for Christmas. I know it would really mean a lot to the both of us. Especially me, he’s so hard to deal with sometimes, I swear to god.

Anyways, I’ve checked flights and everything right on christmas day is really empty and cheap, but you could manage a few days earlier if you’re smart about it. I hope you can make it. Here’s my number and what I assume is enough money for a ticket.

P.S. my family is pretty wealthy and can easily afford this. The only reason Josh wouldn’t ask me himself is because he’s stubborn and too selfless for his own good. Plus, I think a surprise would be romantic and sweet.

xoxo,

Debby Ryan”

Tyler looked around the envelope and picked up a piece of paper he hadn’t noticed before. It was a check for a “round-trip flight to California ;)” under the reasons, Debby’s name on the top.

Tyler stared at the check in awe for a moment before handing the letter to his mom, who had been staring at him somewhat impatiently as he read it silently. He turned his chair around and searched up the flight website his mom always used for their past trips, and he examined the different dates and times with wide, excited eyes.

He had been pretty sad himself, but his mom had made sure Tyler kept busy and didn’t mope around too much. To know Josh was doing that exact thing made Tyler feel a little guilty about being happy he was so upset, but still. It didn’t matter because he was going to get to see Josh.

All thanks to _Debby fucking Ryan._

Tyler examined the phone number and texted Debby as quickly as he could manage, still in shock.

**Okay, first of all, thank you so much, looking up plane flights right now. Second of all, you didn’t have to send it as a letter, I wouldn’t have refused because I’m going to pay you back, anyways. This is Tyler, in case you didn’t get that already**

“Tyler, honey.” His mom said softly, and suddenly Tyler was worried again. She probably wanted him home for christmas, and then all of his excitement would just be put down once again. As much as he loved Josh as a human being, his mom was still his family, the one who had helped him transition, helped him recover after many rough patches in his life. Josh was there for him more often, but she was his family. Not to mention he’d be leaving the rest of his family as well, not like Zack would mind while knowing how much Tyler liked Josh. Zack was a curious little brother who dabbled in matchmaking, after all.

“You should go.” She said, shaking Tyler out of his trance. She looked sincere, that familiar warm smile that seemed to spread out and reach Tyler. “What? Really?” He blanched, staring at his mother in shock.

“You obviously want to, so.” She shrugged, staring off at his computer. “This girl seems to want you to go, as well. It doesn’t matter if you’re here on christmas day or not, we’ve had a lovely week with you, and we can spend some time together before you leave.”

Tyler stood up from his chair and wrapped his arms around his mother, engulfing her tiny form in a huge hug. After a second, her hands found Tyler’s back and she rubbed soothing circles right below his shoulder blades. They stood together in the embrace until Tyler reluctantly pulled away, eyes welling up from all of the sudden emotions. “Thank you.” He said softly, almost a whisper. Kelly Joseph smiled back at him, patting him on the back once more.

“Go get ‘em, tiger. Look, if you leave at midnight, you can get there christmas morning. You’ll be tired, but it seems like the best option so far.”

Tyler let her work her magic on finding the best deals as he waited for Debby to text back, ignoring the urge to tell Josh about it. He told Josh about everything, but this was something that would have to remain a secret until he saw him.

**(951)445-2319**

_Tyler Joseph, nice to finally talk to you. No need to pay me back, consider it your christmas gift! And a gift to me, honestly, Josh needs this. Trust me._

__

_When do you think you’re gonna fly in?_

Tyler noticed the area code for Palm Springs, which had always seemed like such a flashy version of California, and he knew Debby was definitely from some wealth. He still felt a little bad just accepting the money, but it really didn’t seem like she was going to give up anytime soon. He put her number in as a new contact into his phone and chuckled as he saw his mom already buying a plane ticket. She really was happy for her son, and Tyler felt luckier than he had in a while.

**Nice to actually talk to you, too, besides that brief moment on skype a while ago. If you say so, but still, I’ll try pay you back in some way.**

**Just bought a ticket. I should arrive in the LA airport at 8 am on christmas day, that okay? It’s a really early but it’s cheaper than everything else. Josh also said you had a place in LA by the college which is where you guys are, right?**

**Debby:**

_Perfect. I’ll pick you up and make sure he’s up before we get there. Yeah, I’m kind of all over the place, but my parents just moved to be closer to me after the end of high school. There’s a separate part of the house where you and Josh can stay ;)_

Tyler wanted to roll his eyes, but in reality, he was actually looking forward to the physical part of their friendship. Sort-of relationship, whatever. When the distance was closed, Tyler had no idea what would happen between them, and it was exciting beyond belief. He tried not to worry too much, since he knew Josh well enough to know he’d never do anything that Tyler wasn’t perfectly comfortable with. It was a nice change from previous people he had known.

**Okay, awesome. I’m so excited, oh god. Try to keep Josh from finding out? I’m good at keeping secrets, idk about you.**

**Debby:**

_Oh, trust me, Tyler. This is gonna be good :-)_


	9. A Little Bit Of Falling In Love With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What you've all been waiting for.

Surviving family dinners and Mark and Hayley’s interrogations wasn’t easy, but Tyler somehow managed to make it out alive with the support of his friends and family along with a few inappropriate comments, in Jay and Mark’s case. Before he knew it, Tyler was packing his suitcase and finishing the final wrapping on his gifts for Josh and Debby, along with all of the presents he had for his family. A mug for his dad, a nice curling iron for his mom, a small keyboard for his sister Madison, a mixtape for Jay, and a rap verse for Zack to complete the song he’d been sweating over for a couple of months now.

They decided to open their gifts early before Tyler left, and his heart was warmed by the smiles and hugs given back to him. It really felt like Christmas with bright wrapping paper strewn across the floor, despite the paper’s space-themed pattern. Tyler refused to use anything else since he liked it so much. Aliens and space made him think of Josh, the boy who wanted to believe. The boy he was going to see _tomorrow_.

The Josephs spent the rest of the night sharing homemade pie and watching cheesy claymation Christmas films, cuddled together on the couches while drinking peppermint hot chocolate.

Tyler was pretty sure that the warm sensation feeling in his chest meant that Halloween was no longer his favorite holiday.

Once everyone had gone to bed and Tyler had finished packing for his two and a half-week trip, his nerves finally got the best of him and he was left lying awake in his bed, all his worries getting the best of him. It was eleven at night, and Tyler was supposed to leave at three in the morning anyways, so sleep seemed like a lost cause. His phone buzzed on the bed next to him, jerking Tyler out of his train of thought that wasn’t doing anyone any good.

**Josh:**

_hey, so, before you sleep, just wanted to wish you a merry xmas :)) wish you were here, but oh well. got u a present but Debby said to wait on mailing it, whatever that means, but I trust her. UPS is crazy busy this time of year_

__

Tyler smiled to himself, nerves slowly fading away. Josh wanted him there, and soon he was going to get his wish. Tyler didn’t have anything to be worried about.

**You too :) So do I, but hopefully we’ll meet soon. I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you**

**Josh:**

_me? worry? naaaah…_

__

_I hope you’re right_

__

_come fly away with me, Tyler Joseph_

__

_I got your gift with me btw. I’ll get it to you ASAP. It's very nice._

**I love you too, Josh**

 

**Don't spend money on me!**

Tyler sighed and laid his head back on his pillow, recounting all the times Josh had told him he loved him. Somehow, Tyler knew when he was saying it in a more subtle way. It was never rough or forced to tell Josh he loved him, just because it was a simple fact. Hopefully he’d be falling in love with the man he’s grown to be so comfortable with yet completely nervous about being with for the past few months.

**Josh:**

_awesome._

__

_and I love J.K Rowling a bit more than you_

 

_don't worry about tht! no way!_

**Haha, funny.**

**Why don’t you go celebrate with her, then? I feel so betrayed.**

 

**Good. Bc my prezzy cost me my soul but no $$$**

**Josh:**

_pffffttt, i’m hilarious._

 

_and excited!! woo! soulless Joseph over here is breakin my heart_

_for real, hope you have a good one. now get some sleep!!_

__

**I’ll try. Seeya soon, Jishwa.**

Tyler set an alarm on his phone and he started playing soft music to lull him to a rough sleep that passed by all too quickly.

~*~

Within a solid two hours, Tyler was dressed, fed, checked in, and left alone to wait at his flight gate. His jean-clad legs jiggled so nervously that there seemed to be a circle of clear space around him, eventually to be filled as the flight time drew closer and people started to board. Tyler had spent forever trying to find the perfect outfit, one flattering and comfortable and the first thing Josh would ever see him in, which was a task he had somehow managed to juggle. Tyler settled on his black hoodie with a plain white t-shirt underneath after struggling with deciding between patterns for far too long. It wasn't like his clothes were going to be the first thing Josh noticed.

Tyler had texted Josh an excuse about being busy on Christmas that morning to prevent any suspicions as to why he wouldn't be texting back. It all felt like this bubbling guilt that could surface any moment, but it wasn't like he was keeping secrets from Josh, no. Tyler was doing this _for_ him. For both of them.

He hoped Josh appreciated the surprise, since it was absolutely nerve-wracking to think about sitting on a plane for over four hours in a cramped space while also being nervous about seeing Josh. Debby's reassurances hardly calmed his jitters, and the only solace Tyler really had was to listen to music and jiggle his leg until he repelled every last person around him with his anxious energy.

By the time he'd boarded the plane, Tyler was lost in the beat, fingers tapping along to the rhythm on the plane seat arm rests. He tried not to throw up when the giant hunk of metal started going up, and for once, Tyler realized this was a situation where he couldn't text or call Josh for reassurance. Usually, the red-haired boy was the only one who could calm Tyler down.

This time, Tyler was all on his own.

Oh, the sacrifices he was making for that damn boy.

Time slugged by along with it's iron chains that clung to it's fat ankles, leaving Tyler alone to his thoughts, his pen, and his journal for a few hours that never seemed to end. Even eating made Tyler feel sick, which was pretty wild considering that he could usually blow through an entire case of Oreos on his own when he got really bored on a plane. He liked to make shapes on the icing with his teeth and tongue, and while it resulted in a few strange looks, at least it gave Tyler something to do when he could barely move and when he could smell every single person's loud-smelling perfume or cologne on the whole flight.

The young musician was left to uncomfortably shift around for the last hour of the two of the flight, a little glad he didn't wear his binder although it looked a bit strange since his chest didn't exactly match the rest of his body. He didn't have a choice, though, not after the torture of his last road trip where he kept his binder on for a full ten hours and hated himself for insisting on doing so.

After what seemed like forever, the plane finally started the descend, and Tyler almost wanted to shout in excitement once he saw the ground.

The sun was only beginning to rise, and the sky was a slowly lightening gray that seemed to cast shadows across the city of Los Angeles. It was breathtaking to know that Josh got to live here, see these neatly paved sidewalks and clear skies pretty much every day.

Tyler was going to see Josh within the next hour if he was lucky. It made him sick to his stomach and excited beyond belief, and Tyler didn't think he'd been this happy to be anxious in a long time. He brought out his phone to text Debby and turn the device off of airplane mode as soon as the plane touched the ground. It rocked back and forth, jarring Tyler's muted and exhausted brain, hammering his heart once again.

**Just landed, I'll let you know what baggage gate I'm at soon?**

Twenty more minutes of impatient waiting later, Tyler was in the airport and following the swarm of his fellow passengers to the baggage claim, hands curled firmly around the strap of his backpack. Tyler's phone buzzed just as he found a place to wait for his suitcase.

**Debby:**

_Sorry, forgot to reply! I'll be there in 15. I woke Josh up to go "get Christmas breakfast" with me, he's grumpy rn, but he's dressed at least. Small victories._

__

_Wanna actually get breakfast after?_

__

Tyler's heart jumped a little at the thought of a grumpy and frazzled morning Josh being dragged out of bed and forced to stare longingly out the window while he was unknowingly being driven to the airport to see his friend from Ohio. Holy _shit_ , 15 minutes.

He assumed Debby was texting slyly at all of the stop lights, hence her slow replies.

**Poor Jishwa. Yeah, sounds awesome. Excited to spend x-mas with you guys :)**

The minutes passed even more slowly after that. Tyler nervously waited for his suitcase, only getting more skeptical when it never seemed to come. He texted his gate to Debby and prayed for his suitcase to come out on time so their plan would be executed properly.

Tyler's eyes flickered nervously around the airport when he heard the shouting coming from outside through the open doors.

"We'll just be one second- Josh, hold on, wait for me!" A feminine voice shouted, and Tyler turned around to see Josh running through the automatic airport doors with a desperate Debby right behind him. She aimed an apologetic smile towards a security guard as they both ran from the pickup place into the baggage claim room. She held up her phone, eyes finding Tyler's before Josh did. He seemed to have figured out what Debby had been up to, and he looked just as nervous and excited that Tyler had felt for the past week straight.

He was even more beautiful in real life. All of those soft curves and handsome features were brought to life, and Josh's cheeks were tinged pink from the cold, a look Tyler had never seen him sporting but it was endearing none the less. He was wearing a camouflage jacket with the zipper pulled up, scarf peeking out from under the green material. Tyler could only stand and stare as Josh frantically searched for him, mouth fallen open wordlessly.

"Tilly!" Josh caught his eye and beamed, red hair flashing quickly as he bolted towards Tyler and grew closer, smaller features popping out. Those dimples. They were so real, right in front of him, growing closer until Josh was standing right in front of him and engulfing him in a hug, tattooed arms clutching tightly to Tyler's back.

Tyler keened and wrapped his arms around Josh's midriff and buried his head in the other man's chest before he could really think about it, breath wracking with heavy sobs of emotion. Josh smelled clean and soft and sweet, a little hard to describe as anything but _home_. His arms felt safe, like this was where Tyler had meant to be for much longer than he'd ever expected.

The embrace kept going and going. Josh rubbed his back in soft, repetitive strokes, and in turn Tyler squeezed Josh even harder. His face fit perfectly into Josh's chest, the warm feeling of butterflies only growing stronger as he realized how much shorter he was than Josh. He hadn't been born as a guy, after all, and the fiery redhead wasn't a short guy.

"It's really you." Tyler found himself whispering, not pulling away. Josh squeezed in response, hands searching up to card through Tyler's hair soothingly.

"You..." Josh whispered back, seemingly lost for words. Tyler could feel his breath hot and warn against his ear as Josh let out a quick sigh. "You're real, oh my god." He giggled, tugging back on Tyler's hair to pull his head back so they could look at each other.

Reluctantly, Tyler's hands slipped from Josh's back and settled his hips instead, Josh's soft hips that he'd only ever seen in pictures, hips that he was now touching and discovering for himself.

Tyler smiled at Josh, face scrunching up into genuine joy. After so much pondering and waiting, he could finally see how happy Josh was to see him.

"You're still a bit unreal to me." Tyler admitted with a giggle in return, heart fluttering as Josh's thumbs traced Tyler's jaw and cheekbones in drawn-out awe. Tyler wanted to kiss him so bad, almost more than anything, but in the rush of everything he couldn't really find the ability to do anything but just stand and stare at Josh. The people around them, even Debby, were slowly fading into Tyler's existence as he slowly drifted away from Josh, so that they were at least standing a normal distance apart from each other.

Just like earlier, there was a circle cleared clear away from Tyler, but the people watching them mainly had affectionate looks on their faces. Tyler realized with a blush that they had had some sort of romance film moment just then, just short of a kiss. Tyler would have to get that later, right after making sure that that was what Josh really wanted. He was just too timid to do anything about it himself, but that didn't stop him from touching Josh all over, making sure he was really real.

Josh chuckled and shook himself out of his jaw-dropped trance, lips curling up into a smile. "God, I love you." He sighed, hand falling behind Tyler's neck before pulling away and looking around the baggage claim. His cheeks were still pink, and he looked a little embarrassed after realizing how truly absorbed they had been in each other.

Debby had her phone up, and she was smiling like an idiot. Tyler looked at the phone camera for a second, realizing she had been recording the whole thing. He'd have to thank her later.

Tyler looked back up at Josh and said as sincerely as he knew he could, "I love you too."

It took all of his willpower to not link their hands together and at least kiss Josh's cheek, but Josh was looking down at Tyler like he was a million bucks and that made everything he had gone through completely worth it.

At long last, Tyler pulled his attention away from Josh as he finally greeting Debby in a warm hug, a lot more brief than the one with Josh had been but amazing all the same. "It's great to finally meet you two." He grinned, tugging on the sleeve of his hoodie and looking up and down Debby's features. Her naturally red hair was curled neatly and he nose ring glinted in the white lights of the airport just as Josh's was. Tyler wondered if they had gotten matching piercings together. Probably.

"Tyler Joseph." Debby tutted, smiling and shaking her head. Her hands were placed on her hips, showing off her colorful assortment of rings and bracelets. "Thank you for saving me from this boy, he's been miserable."

"Hey." Josh protested weakly, mouth turned down into a frown. He looked beautiful with his rumpled hair and dark day-old stubble, eyes a little tired-looking but lit up all the same as he glanced back at Tyler. Maybe Debby thought he was a disgruntled mess, but Tyler was happy to see all that buried sadness fall away.

"I'll take care of him, don't worry." Tyler grinned and slowly prepared himself for a day of flirting while actually in the presence of Joshua Dun.

It was going to be impossible to get through.

Josh chuckled and ruffled Tyler's hair one last time, placing a hand on his shoulder and turning him around back to the baggage claim. "You still gotta get your stuff right?" Debby asked from behind them, working her way up to Tyler's other side that wasn't occupied by Josh. He nodded his head and glanced back to the conveyor belt, looking for his bright red tag that usually made his bag stand out. "We were about three minutes away before Josh here even realized we were going to the airport, and by the time we got here he finally figured out why I didn't tell him everything. The car- oh, shit, the car!" Debby shrieked, quickly running out the doors with an apologetic shout.

Tyler and Josh glanced at each other and giggled, still close in each other's space. Josh's hand only left his back when Tyler leapt forward to grab his bag. He resisted the urge to get up in Josh's space, since they had to walk, after all.

"Jesus, Debby wasn't lying, I was oblivious. And it was like, a thirty minute car ride! I'm too tired for my own good." Josh sighed, shaking his head and taking Tyler's suitcase besides the shorter man's protests.

"Did you not sleep well, Jishwa? What happened?" Tyler asked worriedly, fingers clutching his own jacket. Josh looked a little embarrassed, and he stared straight ahead at the quickly approaching doors as they walked step-in-step.

"Well, uh. I was kind of kept up wishing you were with me, which is kind of petty now, so." Josh said quietly, hands nervously twitching against the handle of the suitcase. Tyler breathed out a light laugh and he bumped his shoulder right into Josh's, eyes gentle and caring. "I'm here now. If it's any consolation, I could barely sleep because I was so nervous and excited to be here, so you owe me some serious cuddles for all that stress it caused to be able to come surprise you."

Outside the doors, it was so cold that Tyler could see his breath. His nose felt a little tingly as it started growing pink. Tyler wished he had an extra jacket or something, he didn't think it was going to be that chilly.

Josh reached up with his free hand and unraveled his scarf, pausing with his walking to wrap it carefully around Tyler's neck and lower part of his face. The shorter man blushed from something besides the cold and he pulled the material down to reveal his mouth, murmuring out a thank you to Josh.

"Yeah, no problem. And of course, I'll totally make it up to you." Josh reassured with another one of his charming smiles, hands lingering on the ends of the bright red scarf.

"Hey, losers, get in the car!" Debby shouted from her black SUV, shaking Tyler from his trance. Josh giggled and dragged Tyler along to the road, eyeing a clearly amused Debby up and down. "Sorry. Got distracted." Tyler sighed, smiling to himself as he clambered in the back seat of the car and Josh urged for space right next to him after putting the suitcase in the back instead of sitting in the front seat.

"Hey, I've been waiting for this for a long time. Don't give me that look, Deb." Josh retorted. Tyler grinned and rested his head on Josh's shoulder near the crook of his neck, Josh's smell washing over him once again.

"Yeah, yeah. So where do you guys want to go eat?" Debby asked, driving the car out of the airport and onto the highway.

"Taco Bell." Tyler and Josh said at the same time, grinning at each other.

Yeah, Tyler was a little bit in love with this boy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you can tell this is extra long for a few reasons. I'm going to Canada for a few days and won't be able to write more during my trip, and I really couldn't cut this shorter while keeping the flow. So... Leave a comment about how cute you found this please?


	10. "Merry Christmas, Tyler Joseph"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A breakfast date and a little bit of premature gift-giving.

"Seriously, just try the Doritos tacos, Debby." Tyler said, rolling his eyes and taking another bite of his own taco. They were arguing over the integrity of Taco Bell food items, which wasn't exactly the most intelligent conversation Tyler had had in a while, but it was great all the same. Josh and Debby were amazing and made him smile on a consistent basis, and Josh sat next to him instead of next to his best friend when they sat down at a table, as well. In such a close proximity to him, Tyler could catch a close-up of Josh's stubble and sparse freckles with only one glance. It was beyond amazing.

"Okay, but guys, it's not like it's even real Mexican food. Have you been to Mexico? Their tacos have, like, lettuce and meat and that's it." Josh brought up, emphasizing his words with a hand that subconsciously twirled through the air. Debby scoffed and picked up her burrito, talking while she ate but semi-respectfully keeping her mouth mainly closed. It was more endearing than gross, if Tyler was being honest. "Yeah, I have been there, with you, dummy. You make a good point. Whatever, guys, I still think it's a little much."

Debby and Josh exchanged skeptical glances. Eventually, the pair decided to give up the argument and Josh slid an arm around the backrest of their seat, which, wasn't like Josh's arm was around him, it was just on the chair. It was still pretty close, though, and Tyler leaned his head against the crook of Josh's elbow as a sign of a truce.

Josh looked down at Tyler, eyes unsurprisingly fond. It seemed like he was always looking at Tyler like that, and he couldn't possibly be weirded out since he was most likely doing the same exact thing.

"So, what do you wanna do while you're here, Ty?" Josh asked before taking another sip of his incredibly large and most likely diabetes-ridden sprunch soda. Tyler realized that he didn't really know what he wanted to do. He hadn't planned it out much, really, he had been a little too excited to just hang out with Josh. Debby must've spotted his look of fear because she shot him a reassuring glance.

"I know tons of great places to check out, all that jazz. Are you cool with just hanging at my place today after this? It's Christmas, and you know," Debby shrugged, eyes falling to her hands. "Family time and stuff. Jenna's probably awake by now and waiting for us to get back so we can open presents."

"Jenna's your girlfriend, right?" Tyler asked. Josh had mentioned her a few times but didn't go into too much detail, just saying he usually "heard too much for such a big house". Tyler was a little afraid that Debby and Jenna were a sex-crazed power couple that wanted to take over the world, but at least they still had the "spark" or whatever his mom always sighed about when she talked about his dad, much to Tyler's own disgust.

Debby nodded and smiled a little, more to herself than anyone else. "Yeah. Her family is kind of like Josh's, so, basically I'm mainly her family. Except she's not like a sister to me, because, well, gross." Tyler snorted and covered his hand as he laughed, mouth completely full and body shaking with amusement.

"Sorry, sorry, just- the way you said that." Tyler chuckled, shoving his face in the sleeve of his hoodie. His high-pitched giggles were a little embarrassing to let loose in front of people he had basically just met, but Josh was laughing lightly and fondly and Debby was looking at Tyler like he was her brother. Maybe Tyler was starting to become part of the family.

"Don't make fun of me, I'm too pretty for that." Debby muttered under her breath, scrunching up all of her loose food wrappers and sliding out of the seat to throw it all away. "You guys almost ready? It's present time, boys!" She cheered, clapping her hands together in excitement.

"Oh, yeah, I can give you your present today!" Josh grinned, finishing off the last of his soda before getting up to get rid of his own rubbish. Tyler followed their actions, stuffing his hands in his pockets as they all walked out the door in a cluster. Tyler assumed whoever owned Taco Bell or managed that one particular joint didn't care about religious holidays or whatever, and he was glad. Being on a flight for so long was draining, and his favorite food along with the idea of presenting Josh his Christmas present in person was thrilling.

"I know. Awesome." Tyler beamed, quickly rushing to the parked car to get out of the cold. Josh's scarf was still wrapped low around his neck, which Debby had definitely noticed and stared at all through breakfast but pointedly made no comment about it.

The drive back was mainly uneventful, besides Josh's warm body curled up next to him and Debby's pop music playing through the speakers. Tyler let his eyes fall shut and his head settled on Josh's shoulder throughout the whole ride, and apparently he had fallen asleep because he was gently shaken awake by Josh twenty minutes later.

Tyler blushed, a little embarrassed that he fell asleep on Josh, but the faded red-haired boy just happily helped him out of the car before taking all of Tyler's luggage and carrying it himself.

"I'm self-capable, you know." Tyler said after a yawn, hands raising to rub at his eyes.

"I know."

Tyler couldn't really argue with that, and Josh was beyond sweet, so he just accepted his fate and took a moment to admire Debby's place. Or, well, her parent's place. She had an actual house- a mansion, almost, judging by the size. From the outside, it was neatly groomed and adorned with light paint and rows of plants, and it was only more impressive on the inside. The main room split into several different expansions and hallways, with a vast glass door leading directly outside to the backyard.

Well, not actually a yard, because the more he looked, Tyler realized it was something of an inside backyard. There was a large stretch of cloth that was what Tyler assumed was a pool cover, and several pots surrounding the pool were filled with colorful plants.

"That's the pool. It's heated, so we need to go in and show you the ropes later, Tyler." Debby grinned, waving a hand to the left to lead them down a large hallway. Tyler was a little worried about swimming, since he loved pools but always ran into complications. It was going to be a while before he could get top surgery, but even then he'd have scars, so there wasn't really any reasonable way for him to go swimming in public shirtless without a few strange looks. At least he had his suit with a built-in binder.

There were pictures of a younger version of Debby and two people who he assumed were her parents in neat photo frames lining the walls, and there had to be at least four different rooms in that part of the house alone. At the end of the hall was a large living room with the biggest flatscreen TV Tyler had ever seen and enough couches to host a Girl Scouts slumber party. Tyler felt giddy at the prospect of staying here for a while. He was definitely going to have to check out the living room fridge and possibly stock it with redbull later.

"So, here's the sitting room here, and then here's Josh's room. Now, I was thinking, this is the biggest room in this part of the house and there's two beds, so did you guys wanna room together?" She asked slyly, leaning against the wall. Tyler glanced up at Josh, offering an excited smile. He definitely wanted to get as much time with Josh as possible. Also, maybe he wanted to see what Josh looked like when he slept, not that that was anything but completely creepy.

"Sounds good." Josh grunted, opening the door and dragging Tyler's suitcase after him across the carpet of the room. The whole place was a medium blue, not many things on the walls except for a window and a couple of lights and photos strung up on the side that was definitely housing Josh. There were piles of clothes everywhere, and Josh blushes as he noticed Tyler looking around and glancing at the mess. It was a bit worse than Tyler's place, but it was pretty cute that Josh got all flustered over it.

The space between the beds wasn't huge, but they weren't next to each other, either. On the side of the room where the entrance was, there was another smaller TV.

"Sorry about the mess. I kind of wasn't expecting you to be here." Josh chuckles nervously, settling Tyler's backpack down on the bed opposite to Josh's. There was a small synthetic Christmas tree inbetween the two beds and their matching night stands with lamps on it. Tyler looked at his reflection in a red ornament before shrugging his jacket off and throwing it on the bed.

"Don't worry about it, Jish. Seriously." Tyler rolled his eyes light-heartedly before turning to Debby, who was standing in the doorway with a smile on her face. "Thank you so much, seriously, Debby. I won't be able to stop saying that, be warned." Tyler said earnestly, walking forward to wrap Debby in another hug. She made him feel safe, just like Josh, and Tyler was excited to get to know her more as well.

"No problem. I'll leave you two be for a bit, let me know when you're really ready to celebrate." Debby chuckled, squeezing Tyler briefly before slipping away and closing the door behind her. Tyler turned around and grinned at Josh, flopping on his own bed to take off his shoes and replace his socks with fuzzy Christmas reindeer ones. Josh was still cleaning up his little pile before he gave up and joined Tyler on his bed, letting out a contented sigh.

"I think this is yours, J." Tyler giggled, unraveling the scarf and laying it over Josh's eyes playfully. Josh snorted and lifted the material up before he sat up on the bed and settled the scarf on the bed post. It gave Tyler an excellent view of Josh's arms and chest as well, so he had no complaints.

"Thanks." Josh chuckled, leaning back on the headboard to look Tyler up and down again. He couldn't really trust that look on Josh's face to be purely innocent with how hungry it felt to Tyler. "What?" Tyler asked, raising his brows playfully. Josh shook himself and crossed his arms over his chest, almost to restrain himself.

"Nothing. Just, you. I don't know." Josh mumbled in response, looking a little lost. He was absolutely adorable when he was so disgruntled, but Tyler preferred him to be happy. Josh looked pretty happy when Tyler had physically comforted him earlier, so Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh in another hug that he just couldn't seem to get enough of. Tyler ran his hands through Josh's hair and scratched at his scalp for better effect, smiling to himself when Josh practically started purring at the touch.

"Oh my god, that feels way too good." Josh admitted, shoving his face into Tyler's collarbones, right above his chest. Tyler chuckled and dug his nails in a bit more, hands searching all over Josh's scalp until the other boy lifted his head.

They were suddenly right next to each other, faces so close they were almost nose-to-nose. Tyler's breath caught in his throat as Josh started speaking again, voice low and rumbling. "You know, I have a present I wanted to give you in private."

"Oh?" Tyler said almost as a gasp, mouth falling open.

"Yeah." Josh sighed, eyes fluttering shut as he leaned forward to slot their mouths together. His hands found their way to Tyler's back and the curve of his neck, tracing all of the notches in Tyler's spine while they slowly kissed. It was close-mouthed and sweet, Tyler's lips curling up into a smile against Josh's mouth.

Never had such a innocent kiss made Tyler feel so buzzed and alive, dizzy and almost drunk with the close proximity of Josh. He couldn't get enough, and one kiss led to one after the other that eventually tangled together and just never seemed to end. Josh's tongue found it's way to the seam of Tyler's lips after a while, and the younger boy happily opened his mouth to explore more while his own hands continued to card and tug through Josh's hair.

A while later, Tyler was left with swollen lips and the best damn feeling he'd had in his whole life. He was grinning like an idiot at Josh, taking a couple of seconds to find any proper words.

"That's a good gift. Maybe I can get you the same thing soon, too?" Tyler asked, biting his lip. Josh groaned in relief, leaning over to peck Tyler a couple more times and cup his jaw in response.

Tyler giggled and pressed a wet, smacking kiss to Josh's cheek, just for good measure.

"So, um. Did you- did you maybe want to go out sometime? Like, a date? Since I have a strange feeling you like me back?" Tyler said nervously as he butted his head against Josh's shoulder and chest. Josh laughed and thumbed the side of Tyler's face, lifting up his head to look directly at Josh.

"I'd love to."

"Merry Christmas, Spooky Jim."

"Merry Christmas, Tyler Joseph."

 


	11. I Want To Believe

After a solid ten minutes of more kissing, Tyler finally decided that it was time to open presents with Debby and Jenna. Tyler grabbed his gifts from his suitcase, neat spaceship wrapping paper still in good condition after the bumps of the plane ride.

"So, uh, I actually did get you a real present, you know." Josh said as they opened the door to their room.

 

"Yeah? Well, that first one was pretty great if I do say so myself." Tyler giggled, nudging Josh's shoulder with his own. All of their their flirting and jokes seemed to come with a little more ease and more tension all at once. While Tyler knew everything had more meaning behind it now, he knew Josh liked him back just as much as Tyler liked Josh.

"Well, that gift is ongoing and you can get more of it any time, Tilly." Josh said with an added wink, leading Tyler to the living room on the other side of the house. He sat next to the Christmas tree while Josh went back to get Debby and Jenna, who were at the room in the middle of the hall. _Oh,_ so they really were that loud if Josh could hear them from so far away.

"Hold on, lemme get my parents! They haven't even met Tyler yet." Debby's voice rose from the hallway. She soon appeared to smile warmly at Tyler, throwing a few gifts under the tree before walking off to the unexplored part of the house and shouting some more. Tyler figured that she liked doing that quite a bit.

"Hello Tyler, I'm Missy." A new voice snapped Tyler out of a trance and looked up to see a hand outstretched to him. Tyler took it and shook firmly, head nodding along with his smile.

"Nice to meet you. I'm John." The man spoke up, shaking hands with Tyler briefly before sitting down on the couch next to him.

"Nice to meet you too. Thank you so much for letting me stay here."

"Oh, it's no problem at all. There's more than enough rooms to go around." Debby's dad, Stan, said with a nod. They seemed like down-to-earth people. Tyler had been a little afraid that they would whip out Jesus pamphlets and tell him he's going to hell- he had had plenty of time to worry about that on the plane ride.

"Hey!" Debby shouted, wrapping her arms around her parents. "You guys are finally out of bed and so it's time for Christmas to really begin!" Behind Debby was a pretty blonde girl with piercing blue eyes. She had a face that seemed like it would be forgettable, but prove to be quite the opposite.

Debby's parents grumbled in agreement and Josh sat right next to Tyler on the large couch, invading his personal space in the best way. Tyler's lips still held an unfamiliar tingle that made him suppress a smile.

 

"Hey, I'm Jenna." The blonde lady said, waving to Tyler from where she had settled next to Debby.

 

"Hi, I'm Tyler. Merry Christmas!"

Jenna smiled at him before focusing her attention to Debby, who was receiving gifts from the makeshift circle that had formed. Tyler passed his gift over, a small item that hopefully didn't make it seem like he was unappreciative.

"Josh, oh my god, this is so cool." Debby gasped when she opened that pastel pink wrapping paper-covered box from Josh. It was a mini scrapbook with photos of the two of them including page themes and color schemes.

"Hey! You cut me off here!" Jenna pouted, pointing to a photo where they were posed next to a waterfall. Jenna's arm was still in the picture and it looked a bit misplaced, but they were still so cute. Josh was ducking his head modestly but happy to see Debby's reaction and receive her warm hug.

Tyler had decided to decorate a new writing journal for Debby, since she seemed like the type to not really care about money value of things and more about the gift itself. Tyler water-colored a painting of a forest, and then promptly covered the thing in glitter and stickers. Tyler thought it held a lot of character and life to it, so he just hoped Debby would like it as she started to open the packaging.

"Tyler, this is soo cute." Debby gasped, fingers tracing a rainbow unicorn longingly. "I actually needed a new book to ramble in, since Josh and Jenna hate hearing me talk all the time. Meanies." Debby walked over and gave the sitting Tyler a hug. Tyler got a face full of her red hair and a good, settling feeling after she pulled away.

Everyone went around in a circle, Debby's parents being the next one to open their colorful card from the group of three. Then it was Josh's turn, and Tyler was extra nervous about the red-haired man's approval.

"Yours last." Josh promised with a wink, carefully peeling back wrapping paper to reveal a new set of drumsticks and earbuds from Jenna and a mixtape CD from Debby. Tyler had a feeling that the two had decided to make their gifts and not spend any money on each other. It made him feel better about his gift and approve of their healthy friendship at the same time. Debby seemed like exactly what Josh needed in his life for it to stay on track.

"Ooh." Josh gasped when he saw Tyler's wrapping paper, hands smoothing along the edges. Even more carefully than before, as if to preserve all of the present, Josh took off the covering and curiously looked at the CD in the plastic case, turning it over in his hand a couple of times.

"So, I didn't know what to get you, so, I, uh, finished your song kind of by accident and then recorded it." Tyler looked down at the couch and blushes deeply, afraid to see Josh's reaction. He wasn't listening to the song yet, but it was still pretty nerve-wracking.

"This is awesome." Josh said with awe in his tone. He put the CD on top of Debby's and shot Tyler a look that said for later, I promise. Tyler grinned and wrapped Josh in another hug, just because he could, and then it was his turn to open his present from Josh.

It was a little different spending Christmas with people other than Tyler's own family, and a little new to not even know everyone, but Debby's family was more than welcoming and Josh's presence next to him was beyond comforting. "Here." Josh said, handing Tyler a neatly wrapped red box.

Inside was a copy of Harry Potter: Prisoner Of Azkaban. Tyler knew exactly which copy it specifically was and what it meant. Carefully, Tyler opened the weathered old book to the inside page. His number with a "text me!" written in his handwriting was inscribed onto the page. Tyler hadn't seen one of the books from his freshman year escapades in years, and it was so weirdly cool to see what had started him and Josh's friendship in the first place.

"Dude." Tyler shook his head and broke out into a relentless smile, wrapping his arms around Josh once again along with a quick peck to his cheek. "This is so sweet. Thank you."

Jenna and Debby were looking at each other knowingly, Debby covering her mouth in laughter. Tyler just knew that they were going to talk about the two of them in secret, and just to keep them wondering a little, he slid into the crook of Josh's splayed legs on the couch. Tyler's back rested against Josh's warm chest and his head set settled into the groove of Josh's neck. Josh made a low noise of surprise, but he happily shifted to fit Tyler next to him more comfortably. Jenna choked a little bit on her own spit as she noticed, making the most hilarious face that made the whole circle break out into laughter.

"Thank you guys so much for all this love." Jenna sighed, rolling her bright blue eyes. She proceeded to open up her bracelets from Debby with "Jebby" beads on them, causing Tyler to break into a fit of giggles at how cute it was.

"You guys make me nauseous." Was all Josh had to say. He was holding back a smile, though, and Tyler knew that he was happy for them. Josh had gotten Jenna a floral summer dress for the slowly upcoming season, a beautiful white material with blue flowers that matched her eyes perfectly.

"It's beautiful, Josh. I can't wait to wear it." Jenna smiled, looking up and down the material.

"For tonight, we're gonna make your favorite pie, Jenna, which is the best gift we can give you." Mr.Ryan said, getting up from his chair to open up a trash bag and have everyone throw away their rubbish.

"Awesome."

"Hey, Tyler, you must be tired. Why don't you rest and unpack for a bit before you guys go swimming or whatever you were planning on? You can help me start dinner at 5." Mrs.Ryan said, getting up from her chair and making her way towards the kitchen in the distance.

"I wanna hear this song." Josh said as Tyler reluctantly lifted himself off of Josh and the couch. Tyler nodded nervously and looked towards the girls. "Sounds good to me."

"Yeah, ok. I need to find a good suit anyways." Debby said, holding her scrapbook tight in her arms. The group of four made their way back to their rooms, Tyler flopping down on Josh's bed and shifting into a sitting position against the pile of pillows at the end. Josh closed the door and grabbed his computer from the nightstand, settling next to Tyler on the bed. CD in hand, he slid it into the computer and waited for the song to synch.

"So, as you could see from the CD, it's called "We Don't Believe What's On TV." It's kind of driven from that piece I made up when we were on the phone, and I only have my voice, my bass and my uke, so it's a little empty without drums or whatever. You'll have to forgive me for that, drummer boy." Tyler said, taking a hold of Josh's hand to calm his nerves. It was scary, having to share his art forms with anyone at all, but this was Josh. It was going to be okay.

"I'm sure I'll love it. Hey, I can always record some drums for it, all I'd need is a couple mics or whatever. Not sure how that stuff works. Either way, you're amazing so it'll be super amazing." Josh seemed completely sure of himself, bringing Tyler more confidence as Josh pressed play and the sound of his ukulele played through the laptop speakers. Josh thumbed Tyler's hand as his singing started, his face going slack.

_I need to know that when I fail I'll still be here._

Josh was the one person who stuck with Tyler when he could have just stopped, could have easily just stopped texting him altogether at any point in their friendship. Tyler had grown closer to him than he really had with anyone but Mark in a short amount of time, all through the distance and other reasons that would make the two of them seem unlikely.

Now Josh was here, right next to Tyler, surrounded by his messy clothes, listening to Tyler's song about his friendship with Josh. In the end, Tyler felt like Josh could be his best friend, despite his undeniable attraction. He could be just friends if it meant that Josh could be with him through thick and thin. That was what Tyler hoped Josh would get from the song all on its own without needing Tyler to explain it.

The song ended after a few minutes. Josh looked a bit speechless, like he was looking for the right words to what he wanted to say.

"I'll always be with you in some way, Ty. I don't just want to believe, I do believe."

Tyler was left without words himself at that, and the only thing he could do was lean and tilt his head to kiss Josh lightly, just for a brief second before Josh put his laptop back on the nightstand. Josh grabbed Tyler's arms and pulled him into his lap, their mouths sliding together once again. Josh made a low noise in his throat as Tyler tangled his hands in his red hair, and Tyler was pretty sure Josh had some sort of hair-pulling kink, which he was more than happy to take part in.

"Jish." Tyler gasped when Josh moved his mouth to nip at Tyler's neck not-so subtly. Josh paused and looked up at the other boy, apologies written all over his face. "Yeah?"

"Do that a little lower and harder under my collar, please?"

Josh's worried look faded away and a devilish smile grew, mouth falling open to suck and bite at Tyler's collarbones until there were several hickeys where they could be easily hidden. Tyler was left to the memories of Josh on him through the bruises along with messy hair.

Once he was satisfied with his work, Josh's head fell to Tyler's shoulder and rested there, a smile pressed into his skin. Tyler rested his hands against Josh's shoulder blades and settled his head against Josh's neck in return, eyes falling closed.

"You're really talented, you know that, right?" Josh said quietly, his hands tracing shapes onto Tyler's lower back with his pointer finger. Tyler chuckled and pressed a kiss below Josh's ear, taking a moment to subtly soak in the other man's scent again. He didn't know what to say or how to accept compliments, so it took him a bit to give up on managing a proper response.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Really. You are."

"You know I really like you, right?" Tyler asked, mouth breaking into a smile against Josh's neck.

"Maybe, I don't know, I'm not sure."

Tyler broke away from his comfortable resting spot to look Josh in the eyes and smirk, hands resting on both of Josh's shoulders.

"It's true."

"Prove it."

If _that_ wasn't an invitation to kiss him again, Tyler didn't know what else possibly could be. Josh's mouth was soft and tentative against his until the redhead keened and softened his whole body against Tyler's. They kept on kissing until Josh pushed away gently, eyes still lingering on Tyler's lips. "We should go put on our swimsuits before the girls come barging in."

"Maybe." Tyler said with a smirk, hands pulling messy red locks behind Josh's ear.

"Also, we should go on a date tomorrow."

"I thought we had that established, Jish."

"Just making sure." Josh smiled and leaned forward to peck Tyler one last time before sliding out from under him and making his way over to his massive pile of clothes.

"Fiiiine." Tyler whined, reluctantly clambering out of bed to search for his swimsuit in his suitcase while Josh chuckled behind him. By the time he had found his swimwear and turned around, Josh was already completely changed into his swim trunks. He was shirtless and Tyler decided that there truly was a god looking out for him.

"Oh, wait, do you want me to leave while you change? I kind of just.. Did it. Sorry." Josh said, simultaneously amused and apologetic. Tyler guessed that heʻd gotten used to having the room all to himself for a while.

"Uh, sure? Yeah." Tyler said self-consciously, arms folded over his chest. Josh seemed to understand his need for privacy, and he quickly shut the door behind him and left Tyler alone to let a deep breath out.

 

A date with Josh Dun tomorrow. Tyler was almost too nervous to think about it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long to update, im an asshole and I got writerʻs block. This chapter isnʻt my favorite but i hope you guys enjoyed it anyways :)


	12. Love Is No Longer A Fleeting Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I wake up next to you, I know in my heart that I'll always love your soul more than your smile because nothing else can compare to the core of who you really are.

Tyler woke up to a pair of arms around him that didn’t belong to him and a grumbling stomach. Tyler turned around to meet face-to-face with a sleeping Josh, his morning grogginess slowly fading away as he stared at Josh. His face was smushed into the pillow, a bit of drool hanging out of his open mouth, and his fuzzy reddish-pink hair stuck out into all directions. It had faded a lot because of the chlorine from swimming yesterday, and Tyler was excited to ask if he could dye it later.

 

Yesterday had passed like a flickering flame- bright and fast, beautiful and almost too brief to really capture. The image of seeing Josh for the first time will always be imprinted into Tyler’s brain, though. After that, everything passed in a blur. Opening presents, swimming, helping the Ryans make dinner, and then passing out from exhaustion in Josh’s bed after watching a movie with everyone.

 

Josh couldn’t have been nicer about everything. After realizing he didn’t really need to establish any personal space boundaries, Tyler had insisted on cuddling for hours and even more when he pulled Josh to sleep in the bed with him and Josh  was more than happy to comply.

 

They had a date today, and Tyler had no clue what he wanted to do and he had no real obligation to find out. Josh looked too adorable while he was sleeping for trivial things like that. The alarm clock on the nightstand behind Josh’s closed laptop read 10:23. Tyler decided that they had slept enough.

 

“Hey, dog breath. Wake up.” Tyler said, shaking Josh’s shoulder gently. Josh grumbled in response, eyes slowly blinking awake.

 

“Mornnnin.” Josh grumbled, sighing and sitting up to rub at his face. He glanced back at Tyler, mouth curling up into a smile. His morning voice wasn’t any deeper than usual, but it was scratchy and cute all the same. “What did you call me?”

 

“Dog breath.” Tyler giggled to himself, capturing Josh’s quizzical gaze. “Or, at least, I’m assuming so.”

 

“We’ll see about that.” Josh grunted before breathing directly into Tyler’s face. Tyler shrieked in response, his body falling back on the bed. “ You’re so gross!” He accused, trying to bat Josh off of him to no avail. Josh climbed in between Tyler’s legs and planted his hands next to his shoulders. Josh had a very clear smirk on his face, which meant Tyler was in deep trouble.

 

Josh leaned down to kiss Tyler, ignoring the gross taste of morning breath for a brief moment before Josh settled with an innocent cheek kiss. “It’s too early.” He proclaimed, sitting up and straddling one of Tyler’s legs. Apparently Josh had a vendetta against sleeping with a shirt on because he was gloriously shirtless, skin warm in the morning sun's filtering heat through the open window next to the bed.

 

The sun was actually pretty irritating. Tyler kind of wanted to stay in bed forever with Josh.

 

"As much as I want to stay in bed all day, it''s almost 10:30, so come on. Let's go be productive."

 

Josh let out a few more low grumbles and dug through his drawers to find real clothes before trudging to the bathroom, leaving Tyler alone once again.

 

There was another bathroom down the hall, one that wasn't connected to their room, and Tyler completed his morning tasks fairly quickly. By the time he was dressed minty-breathed, Josh was still in the bathroom.

 

"Dude!" Tyler laughed, knocking loudly on the door. "You take longer than me. Hurry up. I want caffeine."

 

"Calm yourself." Josh shouted back from inside the bathroom. Tyler sighed and took a step back, crossing his arms and staring at the door.

 

Josh opened it back up again and smiled at Tyler's pouty face. Oh _god_ , he was wearing eyeshadow. Josh's eyes were rimmed with red, and his hair was pulled back into a snapback, save for a couple of unruly strands. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a floral button-up that complimented Tyler's kimono, and right then and there Tyler kind of wanted to marry him.

 

"You're such a dork." Tyler scoffed, stepping forward and standing on his tippy toes to peck Josh on the lips. "...And you forgot to brush your teeth."

 

"This makeup took time, baby boy. And you were rushing me, so." Josh made a couple of waving movements in the air and rolled his eyes. "I'll go do that now. All good things come to those who wait."

 

Tyler grinned and turned around as Josh walked back into the bathroom. He grabbed his phone and wallet and headed to the living room to try catch a bit of Top Chef, since he'd heard the show going on when he was in the bathroom. Debby was sprawled out on the couch in front of the TV, red hair piled into a messy bun on top of her head.

 

"Morning." She said dully, eyes flickering from Tyler back to the TV.

 

"Not a morning person?"

 

"Not a life person. How are you alive right now?"

 

Tyler laughed and shook his head, sitting down and propping Debby's feet on top of his legs. "I'm only cranky in the morning when I don't sleep well. Which, granted, happens pretty often, but I slept like a baby last night."

 

"Oh, really?" Debby questioned with a raised eyebrow and a smirk on her face. "Are you and Josh..."

 

"Kinda?" Tyler said, assuming she wasn't trying to leer at him as he crossed his arms over his chest. "We're going on a date today. Dunno where."

 

"Good. He's been pining over you for forever. It's annoying." Debby snorted, kicking her legs back and forth against Tyler's thigh.

 

"Really?"

 

"Of course, dummy." Debby rolled her eyes and let out a gasp when Josh walked into the room. "Oh, baby! You're all grown up! My little boy." She said with mocking adoration.

 

"Surprise, surprise. I'm dressed. Don't get too excited." Josh smiled, ruffling Tyler's hair as he sat down on the end of the couch. "You ready to go, Ty?"

 

"Yeah. Where are we going?"

 

"It's a surprise."

 

"Sick."

 

Tyler's eyes lingered on Josh's for a moment longer until Debby started making gagging noises, just because she was a bit of an ass sometimes. "Feel free to use my car, just don't do anything dangerous because I know you can't afford to pay for damage." She said, nudging Tyler with her feet.

 

"'Kay." Josh muttered. He stood up on his feet again and held out a hand for Tyler to follow. He graciously let Josh help him up and the two of them headed out to the garage, Josh snagging what Tyler assumed was Debby’s car keys on the way out.

 

~*~

 

“I hope this surprise involves food, Jish. I don’t mean to complain, but we’ve been driving for a while and I’m hungry.”

 

“Don’t worry. I’ve had this all planned out for a while.” Josh grinned back, one hand gripping the steering wheel and the other resting on his lap. Tyler linked their fingers together so they were holding hands across the gap between the front seats, the warmth of Josh’s hands and his rough callouses sending tingles through Tyler’s hand against his will. It tickled, but it was pleasant. Almost like the classic hopeless romantic "spark" that was always a disgustingly cheesy focus point in Tyler’s mom's favorite books.

 

“Okay, I trust you… are we almost there?” Tyler asked innocently, trying not to be too pestering and annoying. He didn’t really care what they were going to do, as long as he got to spend some time alone with Josh. In that case, almost anything would be fine by him.

 

“Yeah, we are.” Josh replied gently, his thumb brushing over the back of Tyler’s hand and wrist in even, rhythmic strokes. “Just another mile.”

 

Tyler took the time to look out the window once again and appreciate the light dusting of post-christmas winter snow that lined rooftops and trees like a gentle holiday reminder. Christmas decorations lingered in the frames of doorways and along street lamps of the smaller town they had driven into. It was almost like the world was just one day behind, but Tyler was glad that people didn’t rush to tear their decorations down right after Christmas. As much as he loved halloween, Tyler couldn’t help but feel a childlike joy fill him when he spotted fairy lights or bright, glittering ornaments that hung from flush, green trees.

 

Tyler leaned over and pecked Josh at a stoplight, a never-ending smile still pulling at his lips as he saw how cutely Josh responded to the touch. The redhead let off one of his dazzlingly bright and warm smiles, glancing at Tyler out of the corner of his eye before flickering his gaze back onto the road.

 

“I really like you, you know.” Tyler said as they pulled into a parking lot, their hands still linked together and coats bundled up high to prepare for the sudden cold. When Tyler opened the door, he was suddenly surrounded by a biting chill that stung his cheeks, most likely making him look like he was bushing to an extreme shade. Usually Tyler went red simply because of Josh. In reality, there was about a 50/50 fault for both the weather and the bright-haired boy.

 

“I really like you too.” Josh said quietly, barely a whisper. It was like his words were only meant for Tyler even though no one was around. Their hands linked together once again and Josh briskly led Tyler into the building as they walked shoulder-to-shoulder.

 

Tyler liked and loved Josh all at once. He loved him as a friend and as a person, but he couldn't be in love yet, realistically, so at least Josh seemed to be on the same page as Tyler when it came to caring for each other. Instead of worrying, for once, Tyler just went with his gut feeling that what they were doing was more than right.

 

The place Josh had driven them to was a cute cafe with a floral indie vibe. There were potted plants and assorted instruments decorating the various walls and grooves of the place, and it was very atmospherically homely. Of course, there was a large selection of different coffee and tea drinks on a stand-up menu by the door. Josh knew Tyler’s taste very well.

 

“Wow, it’s amazing.” Tyler said in awe, head tilted back as he observed the inside of the building.

 

“I knew you’d like it.” Josh said proudly, leaning down to return a peck on the cheek to Tyler. “Get whatever you want, I’m paying.”

 

“Who said chivalry was dead? Are you going to open every single door for me, sir?” Tyler snorted, bumping shoulders with Josh as they stood in front of the counter.

 

“‘Course.”

 

Footsteps sounded across the wooden floor and shook Tyler from his Josh-induced distracted state. “Good morning! Welcome to the Rose Pot. I’m Sheila, can I get you two gentlemen seated? Anywhere in particular?” A voice rose from the right, a thin brunette woman sporting an impressive messy bun and flower crown following suit.

 

“Yeah, table for two? By the windows, maybe?” Josh said, giving Tyler’s hand a squeeze.

 

“Right this way.”

 

Tyler and Josh sat across from each other on a small circular table with a beautiful metal flower engraving on the trim. Tyler swung his feet back and forth into Josh’s calves as they looked down at their menus.

 

“Ooh, it’s the perfect brunch time, which means it’s socially acceptable to eat breakfast food even though it’s the middle of the day. I’m gonna get a crepe.” Tyler said, setting down his menu and leaning back slightly in his chair.

 

“Hmm, good idea. Waffles are the best, though.” Josh murmured, nodding his head along in agreement. Tyler spent a few solid minutes just deciding what kind of coffee he was going to get and he ended up settling on something that seemed to be a mix of chai and extra caffeine. The caffeine part was all that really mattered to Tyler. He was used to religiously taking red bull, after all.

 

“You’re so unhealthy and yet you’re so skinny. It’s so cutely weird, stop it.” Josh giggled, rolling his eyes at Tyler after he finished ordering the sugariest crepe on the entire menu.

 

“Like you’re the picture of health, Mr.Strawberry Waffles. Just because there’s some fruit on the side doesn’t mean it cancels out the whipped cream. I have a high metabolism, at least, I’m not going to assume the exact same of you.” Tyler retorted, propping his elbows up on the table and resting his chin on the back of his hands.

 

“Whatever, Tilly. Let me live. I’m all cool and muscular because I work out while you just burn it off. You’re so lazy. You’re like a sloth.”

 

“I’m not a sloth!” Tyler squealed in protest, clamping a hand over his mouth after his voice involuntarily raised to an embarrassingly high pitch. “Yeah, you are all fit and stuff, thank you for that by the way.” Josh covered his mouth as he laughed again, turning his face away from Tyler. He was definitely blushing, oh yeah. Tyler was pretty damn proud of himself for that one.

 

“You never striked me as a pervert until now, Tyler Joseph. I feel violated.”  
  


“Maybe you should.” Tyler said with a smirk. He thanked the waitress as she gave them their drinks and let out a low hum once he tasted his weird coffee-chai hybrid. “Whoa, this is amazing. Like, really good. Try it, J.” Tyler urged, sliding his mug towards Josh. The other man took a sip of his peppermint latte before trading with Tyler across the table.

 

“I know, right? I needed to take you here. Now this is some damn good milk-sugar bean water.” Josh said, nodding his head and taking his mug back from Tyler.

 

“Thank you, by the way.” Tyler said sincerely, looking into Josh’s eyes. “For… everything, I guess. Putting up with me, actually liking me back, being so nice all the time, y’know.” Tyler gestured at the air with his hands, trying to emphasize his point when he couldn’t quite narrow down the right words. “You’re honestly the sweetest person I’ve ever met. Like, there’s Hayley, but she’s different. You’re… special, I dunno. But you’re just always so nice to everyone, even when you’re in a bad mood, and I just want you to know that I really appreciate you for who you are. I don’t say “I love you” lightly, but… I do really love you.” Tyler finished with a sigh, letting Josh grab his hands from across the table as he looked deep and sincerely into Tyler’s eyes. He looked surprised, in fact, like Josh wasn’t aware of how great he actually was.

 

Josh seemed to search for words for a moment, eyes focusing on the distance next to Tyler before focusing on his face again. “That means a lot coming from you. You know I’d do anything for you. I would’ve flew over to Ohio for you if I could’ve afforded it myself, but you know,” Josh shrugged noncommittally, his lower lip disappearing slightly as he chewed on it out of what was most likely nervousness. “I love you. I can list off reasons as well if you want.” Josh chuckled, fingers lightly tracing the outline of Tyler’s wrist bones and the lines of his tattoos that laid there.

 

“Yes, please.” Tyler giggled curiously.

 

Josh leaned forward in his chair, lips falling down to press a kiss on the top of Tyler’s hand. “Well,” he started, pecking Tyler’s knuckles one by one in between phrases. “You’re relaxed and funny, just… really easy to talk to and joke around with in general. You’re so smart and so talented and you don’t even realize it, too, so I like being the one to realize it and let you know until you take it to heart one day. You’re great at providing advice and wisdom, too. I don’t know, I just really like your… soul or whatever, as gross and cheesy as that sounds.” Josh ducked his head as he usually did when he got flustered or embarrassed, and Tyler waited for him to continue.

 

“Being with you, even with all the distance, just makes me feel like I can actually be myself. I used to play pretend with other people without realizing it, but you bring out the real me, Ty. I love that. I can just be genuinely me around you.”

 

Tyler’s whole chest felt like it was going to explode with how warm his fluttering insides felt, and the smile on his face seemed like it would never leave.

 

Screw just _loving_ Josh, Tyler was _in_ love. He no longer felt hesitant at the thought, and instead he was confident and secure with his feelings.

 

“I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” Tyler stated simply, like he was talking about the weather or how his day had gone. It wasn’t a big deal unless he made it one, right?

 

Instead of the expected grin, Josh leaned over the table and laid a deep kiss to Tyler’s mouth, lips curled up into a smile and his short stubble scratching pleasantly against Tyler’s lips as their mouths worked against each other.

 

Josh pulled away after a few moments, still and quiet. Tyler knew that words didn't come easily all the time to either of them, though, so he took his best guess. “So, I guess that means you feel the same way?” Tyler asked shyly, his face a few inches away from Josh’s.

 

“Yeah.” Josh replied along with a quick peck to the corner of Tyler’s mouth before leaning away and glancing around the cafe. There was hardly anyone there, but still, PDA wasn’t fun for any bystanders.

  
Tyler couldn't wait to see how the rest of the day would turn out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does the length make up for my absence? Hopefully.
> 
> I think this is pretty darn cute if I do say so myself. I'll try to write more ASAP, but I've been busy with the first few weeks of school and life and stuff. Sorry.
> 
> P.S. I really love Twenty One Pilots. Like, a lot. I'm gonna get to see them in october and I think I'm gonna die when the time comes!


	13. Body Bumps And Bruises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nostalgia isn't always good for the soul.
> 
>  
> 
> Triggers/spoilers:  
> Some slight triggers in here. Elements involving dysphoria, violence, self-harming, bullying, and trans/homophobia. If that stuff bugs you, be cautious, but this chapter is really important to building Tyler as a character and going over his backstory a bit. Hurt/comfort ensues, though, for all you fluff-sluts like me. :))
> 
> Also, in the flashback, I used Tyler's old name/pronouns, just a heads up.

Tyler and Josh sped down the empty street, hand-in-hand and illuminated by the yellow streetlights overhanging the dark city. Tyler was attempting to ride a skateboard, but it had been a long time and he had to hold onto Josh, which led to Josh pulling a giggling Tyler along while he barely managed to stay upright.

 

“Josh, Josh! Careful!” Tyler shrieked, gripping onto the redhead’s arm even tighter. The rough wind whipping his face felt good, but the thrill and adrenaline was scary at the same time. Tyler knew that that was kind of the point, but still. At least Josh was a good skater.

 

“C’mon Ty, this is sick! Just hang on, there’s a hill to complete our run.” Josh said excitedly, leaning forward with his body to become more aerodynamic. Tyler tried to internalize his embarrassing noises, but all sounds were lost in the wind as soon as they started down the decline. It was over in a flash, a permanent grin imprinted on Tyler’s face and a wild look in his eyes.

 

Josh kicked his skateboard to the curb and smirked at the look on Tyler’s look, helping him stay sturdy on the still skateboard by holding his arms. “Told you it would be awesome. You look like you had fun, don’t even lie.”

 

“Yeah, I did.” Tyler said quietly, slinging his arms around Josh’s shoulders and letting the other boy settle his hands on Tyler’s hips. Josh smiled and pressed a kiss to Tyler’s lips, not needing to lean down while they were on the same level. Tyler’s feet shuffled on the skateboard unsteadily, and Josh held onto him tighter. “Don’t worry, you won’t fall as long as you’re hanging onto me.” He grinned, leaning in for another soft kiss.

 

“You’re cheesy, and you’re gross. Let me skate on my own just so I can prove that I’m self capable, please? I’ll be fine, stop worrying so much about me.” Tyler said, pecking Josh on the middle of his nose before pulling away from him and backpedaling a few steps on the skateboard. Josh shot him a challenging and skeptical look, but with enough prodding Tyler managed to get him out on the road again.

 

The freedom was a little scary, and of course, one of the perks at being rusty at skateboarding with an overprotective boyfriend to accompany him meant that said boyfriend liked to wrap his arms around Tyler to make sure there was no chance of him tumbling down. As enjoyable as that was, it did tend to get old.

 

After a full day of walking around a small town and checking out the local record store for a few hours, the two men had headed back to the house and spent a while hanging out with Debby and Jenna. Around midnight, Josh suggested that they do typical rebellious teenager things, and the best available option was to skate around rich California suburbia for a while.

 

Tyler had felt cheerful all day, mainly because Josh was distracting and made it very hard to think about anything sad, but an uncomfortable feeling had settled in his chest as they’d started to skate. Tyler knew it was most likely his anxiety and unfamiliarity with something that used to be very familiar, but nostalgic things weren’t always full of good memories.

 

|-/

 

“Kate! Hold up!”

 

Katherine spun around, long chocolate brown locks falling into her face as they were pulled from her messy bun. Her hair was supposed to be shorter, she wanted it to be shaved on the sides, even, but her dad had said that “short hair was for boys” and her wishes were pushed aside by her parents just like she did to herself every day of her life.

 

If she pushed aside her true feelings for long enough then maybe they’d go away.

 

“Hey, Phil.” Kate said quietly, tugging her hair forcefully back behind her ear and clutching her skateboard in the other hand. She planned on walking for a bit to calm down her lingering anxiety building up in her chest, and the fact that she had to socialize made it worse. She felt pathetic for not wanting to talk to someone who might be a friend, but at least she wasn’t rude to him. She was convinced that Phil liked her or something, since they somehow stumbled across each other every time she went to the skate park and he was always throwing her these… looks. It made Kate uncomfortable, but it wasn’t really her place to say anything. Phil was never not nice to her, and she was just being paranoid as usual.

 

“So, I talked to Kristen today.” Phil said with a frown, his arms crossed over his chest. They were standing a few feet away from a tree in the small local park, just a couple of blocks away from Kate’s house. A sudden shock of fear tingled at Kate’s fingertips, and she calmly swallowed and kept very still to not seem suspicious. “What about her?”

 

Phil looked dangerously content as well as upset, or possibly even disgusted as he continued. “It was interesting, and I got to finally confirm my suspicions. She said that you were staring at her in the locker rooms and being just generally freaky. What’s that about?”

 

Kate gulped and stared down at her shoes. She had had a crush on Kristen for a while, but she’d felt awkward enough already in the locker rooms to avoid eye contact with anyone for a while. She wasn’t a pervert, anyways. It wasn't any of Phil's business to approach her about it, but of course, she was too shy and scared to tell him to simply fuck off. “Nothing. I wasn’t looking at her.” Kate mumbled, her gaze fixated on the ground.

 

“What was that? I didn’t hear you. I want you to admit it. I’ve considered it for a while, but I know it now. You’re a fucking fag, Kate, why don’t you own up to it?” Phil said roughly, getting closer into Kate’s space. She could feel flecks of his spit hit her cheek, and she cringed from the feeling and quickly wiped it off. She knew it was only a matter of time until some homophobe in her town made a comment, but she wasn’t expecting Phil to be so aggressive. He slowly backed Kate up against the tree, forcing her to tear her eyes up to his content face.

 

“I’m not that way, I’m not, that’s not me.” She said as strongly as she could, but her knees felt unsteady and her hands started to shake against the rough bark of the tree.

 

“Oh, really? I’ve seen you looking and boys and girls alike, like you can do whatever the fuck you _want_. It’s not right, Kate. Not to mention the fact that you dress like a boy. Are you some sort of pathetic dyke?” Phil laughed, gleeful eyes gleaming violently in the afternoon light.

 

Kate’s skateboard was long lost against the distant roots of the tree.

 

“It’s fine! I’m normal!” Kate retorted weakly, unable to muster a response. She felt more scared than she had in a long time. All of her secrets were coming out by someone she had maybe started to trust, and Phil’s sharp words stung like knives deep into her skin. “I’m fine, I’m _fine_.”

 

“You’re fucking pathetic, you know that, right?” Phil said humorously, shifting back and moving his fingers over his knuckles almost soothingly. For a second, Kate thought he was going to give up and leave her alone, maybe call her a few more names, but then his arm swung back and landed directly into Kate’s stomach. All of the air rushed out of her lungs and she slid to the base of the tree, knees hugged up to her chest. A few tears rolled down her cheeks, but no sound came out as she silently sobbed.

 

“I’ll show you what happens to dyke fags, Kate. I can’t believe I ever hung out with you, you’re disgusting. You're a coward.” Phil spat, kicking his leg directly into Kate’s unprotected side. Kate let out shocked whimpers, sobbing into her palms as Phil landed a couple more solid blows.

 

“I’m normal, I’m fine, I’m _normal_!” She shouted over and over, her words muffled by her tears and shaky palms.

 

“You’re not. I hope you find help soon. Don’t forget to apologize to Kristen tomorrow, at least she deserves _that_ after how much you creeped her out.” Phil said before backing away and running out of the park before it got dark enough for the street lights to illuminate the dark scene before them, like the coward he was.

 

“I’m normal. I’m fine. I’m not normal. I’m not fine. I’m not fine _I’m not fine I’m not fine_ ”, Kate repeated over and over into her hands with a trembling voice until she realized her wording had changed and the truth came tumbling down, punching harder than fists possibly could and leaving her breathless and utterly hopeless.

 

She couldn’t keep going like this. She just _couldn’t_. She was in eighth grade, and she’d already considered ending her life multiple times, but she couldn’t help it. There was no way out. She deserved it, just like Phil had said.

 

She didn’t have the guts to do it anyways.

 

Kate laid on the ground hugging her knees until the sun had completely set and started to get too cold to stay still, but when she tried to get up her side screamed with pain and she felt too dizzy to stand up on her own.

 

_I’m not even a girl. I’m unable to act like a normal human being._

 

Kate Joseph found it hard to look at her skateboard or her reflection in the mirror for a while after that.

 

|-/

 

“Tyler! Oh my god!” Josh’s voice rang in his ears, blurry and distant. Tyler opened his eyes slowly, blinking awake. “Josh?” He asked weakly, wincing when he felt his head sting. Upon further inspection, he could see scrapes all over his palms and the torn fabric of his jeans, and he suddenly remembered getting distracted and tumbling down. The flashback must’ve been a dream of some sort.

 

Josh quickly rushed to Tyler’s side, gently inspecting his head. “Fuck, I knew I should’ve watched you more carefully. What happened? Are you okay?” Josh asked in a strained voice, eyeing the scrapes on Tyler’s body.

 

“I think I fell and passed out for a second there.” He responded hazily, leaning against Josh’s arm. He just wanted to take a nap, maybe. Get the bad feelings and the pain to go away.

 

“Tyler, you might have a concussion. You hit your head, it’s bleeding. Let me call Debby.”

 

“No, it’s okay, I’m fine.”

 

“No, Tyler, you’re _not!_ You’re not fine!” Josh snapped back, retaliating at his own words once he realized how rough his voice sounded. “I’m sorry, Tilly, I’m just worried. Give me a second.” Josh said gently, hesitantly lifting up Tyler’s hand and pressing a light kiss next to his scratches. After that, he leaned back and propped Tyler against the sidewalk so he could pull out his phone.

 

Tyler felt lightheaded and sad. Why did that memory have to come back? Why did people like to hurt him? At least Josh didn’t care if he was different, but not everyone could be that nice.

 

“Debby? Yeah, can you come get us? You still up? Tyler fell, he might have a concussion. He’ll be fine, I think. Just hurry. We should go to the hospital. Yeah, I’ll text you the address of the house we’re by.” Josh said in a rushed voice, a worried look gleaming over his eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, Jish, I don’t wanna do this t-to you.” Tyler burst out into low sobs, bringing his hands up to hide his face but pushing them away when they stung even more sharply than before. Josh could see every bump, scrape, tear and bruise, and Tyler hated the way it hurt Josh.

 

“Hey, hey, no, it’s okay. It hurts, I’m sorry.” Josh said quietly, quickly rushing to Tyler’s side to rub soothing circles down his back and wrap an arm around the places that weren’t obviously hurting. Tyler kept crying as he buried his face in Josh’s chest, his hands trembling and grasping the empty air. He felt to completely and utterly helpless, but there was no reason to cry like a little baby. Like a little girl, like the little boy he never got to be.

 

Tyler hated knowing that he’d always be a freak in someone’s eyes, one way or the other.

 

“It’s all my f-fault.” Tyler sniffled, drawing in shuddering breaths as tears rolled down his cheeks and soaked into Josh’s shirt.

 

“What is? Tyler, just breathe, ok? This isn’t your fault. It’s mine, if anything. Debby will be here soon, don’t worry.” Josh said reassuringly, pressing a kiss to Tyler’s temple.

 

Tyler lifted his head up and melted when he felt Josh wiping away his tears. He let out a long, shuddering sigh, and he slowly started to calm down as Josh kissed his head and thumbed his cheeks. “I mess everything up, Josh. I’m a freak of nature, don’t you see?” He said weakly.

 

Josh pushed their legs closer together and wrapped Tyler in a half side-hug. “Don’t say that. It’s not true. None of that. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time, Tyler, and thinking so lowly of yourself isn’t going to do you any good.” Josh sounded tired but strong-willed all the same. His words crawled under Tyler’s skin and settled, lifting the dark weight off of his chest just a little. Everything still hurt and stung, though. Internally and externally.

 

“I love you, Josh.” It was all Tyler could manage to say with so many different feelings bottled up and ready to explode, but it was enough for their current situation.

 

“I love you too, Tyler, Jesus. I was so scared.”

 

“For the record, It’s not your fault. Actually, maybe it is, because I got distracted from your hotness and lost my balance.” Tyler sniffled and giggled, looking up at Josh and trying on an unfamiliar smile. Josh instantly eased up and laughed along, shaking his head and sighing. “That’s a reasonable excuse.”

 

“Good.”

 

 


	14. The Luckiest Brofriends Ever

Even though Josh and Debby were both worried far too much through the visit, going to the hospital wasn’t so bad. Tyler was diagnosed with a minor concussion and given some very pleasant pain meds and then they were on their way back before 3 a.m. Which wasn’t saying very much, granted, since Tyler was utterly exhausted once they got back to the house and he remembered to thank Debby a thousand times and make sure Josh knew he was grateful for his support through comforting hand-holding. _He_ was the one with a small concussion, dammit, not Josh. Sometimes he was such an overprotective puppy.

Josh practically forced Tyler to get a shower and get in bed as soon as they got back, but Tyler just had to complain about his cuts and bruises to get sympathy from Josh. While he took a shower, his boyfriend made him tea and pancakes, due to Tyler’s request, and by the time they had both eaten and gotten in bed for the night they both felt a lot better about the slightly scary situation. Save for that Josh put on his clothes without drying off after his shower, it was all good.

Tyler didn’t linger on his bad memories, but they were still sitting in the back of his head, waiting to be provoked and come around again. With his head settled on Josh’s chest and a pair of warm arms wrapped around him, though, Tyler didn’t feel the need to worry about anything.

“Hey.” Josh said quietly, his hands shifting so he could rub gently at the un-bandaged part of Tyler’s head. “I was wondering where you got the idea for your name, if that’s not too rude to ask.”

Tyler knew that it was only a matter of time before Josh asked questions about his pre-transitioned life, and he would’ve been completely fine answering those things. Josh was obviously just hesitant because he didn’t want to seem prodding, but they were dating, for god’s sake. The man had questions, and Tyler didn’t mind answering. He smiled at the thought of Josh thinking these things late at night, too nervous to ask Tyler himself. It was cute.

“Of course you can ask. Ask me anything, J, truth or truth. I pick truth. And, well, I was born on my grandpa’s death date as Katherine Roleck Joseph. My grandfather had died the year before because of cancer. His name was Robert Roleck, and to honor him in a way, my parents named me after him. The only issue was the gender thing, so their little baby girl had a strange middle name. Once I figured stuff out for myself, I wanted Robert as a middle name instead.”

“Huh. That’s really cool. What about Tyler?” Josh asked, opening his knees to let Tyler lay in between his legs as some sort of non-morbid human body chair.

“Well, uh, this is embarrassing, but Tyler was the first name of a character in a book I really liked when I was 15. Mark laughed at me for quite a long time when I told him, but I already knew he was kind of an asshole, so it was a breath of fresh air.” Josh snickered a bit and Tyler had a feeling he was rolling his eyes. Mark had called earlier and ended up talking to Josh for twenty minutes about embarrassing stories about Tyler, so obviously he was willing to accept Mark’s attitude towards everything.

“You’re so cute. Tyler really fits you, I like it, regardless of what Mark thinks. He’s cool, though. I’m glad you have him back at college with you.”

All of his friends seemed to like Josh a lot and get along with him if they got the chance to talk to him, which was nice just in case Josh got to go to Ohio sometime, and Tyler really liked Debby and Jenna.

The reality of Josh being in California while Tyler had to go back in two weeks struck him, and the bubbly feeling in his chest faltered.

Josh and him would have to just be friends again once Tyler went back, unless Josh wanted to try a long-distance relationship. Tyler didn’t want to because he knew it would just make them both miserable. In fact, being apart at all would make them both miserable, but there was nothing they could do to stop or fix it.

“...Josh? What are we going to do once I have to go back?” Tyler asked nervously, twiddling his thumbs nervously as a force of habit. The idea of partying ways seemed so far away, but also too inevitable to ignore.

“I… I don’t actually know. I’ve kind of just pushed that thought to the side.” Josh said with a heavy sigh. He sounded as tired as Tyler felt.

“I guess we’ll just have to enjoy this while we can, right?”

“Yeah. I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.” Josh said sadly, fingers working against Tyler’s scalp one last time before he pulled his hand away. After a moment, he said “do you want to go to bed now? I’m beat.”

Tyler nodded and crawled off Josh’s lap slowly and let the other man shift over on the bed before curling up against Josh’s side and grabbing his hand in a comforting grip. “G’nite.”

“Sleep well, Tilly.”

~*~

**Mark:**

_How’s your trip going, bub? Did you get any action?_

**Hayley <3:**

_did you two fuck yet??!?_

_pls don’t ignore me Tyler this is important to my… mental health_

Tyler let out a groan and quickly took the painkillers the doctors had given him for the morning. He honestly wasn’t in that much pain, but his friends were annoying and nosy and so he would take what he could get. Josh was busy doing his stupidly pretty eyeshadow in the bathroom or something as well, so Tyler was on his own.

**To: Mark**

**Trip is going great! No, I did not. You’re so nosy. I think Josh plans on banging you instead to be honest.**

**To: Hayley <3**

**You’re rude to dwell on my private life, but just for the record, no I did not**.

“Who’s making you so grumpy, cutie pants?” Josh snickered from the doorway. Tyler turned around and looked up from his phone, easing away his flustered expression. Josh had indeed put on the eyeshadow again, a bit more subtle this time with little wings flaring out the sides. He must’ve used tape to get such straight lines. Tyler gave him extra credit for his effort, and he looked really, _really_ good, so he couldn’t help but stare a little before responding.

“What are you looking at, dummy?” Josh questioned with a gleam in his eyes, one perfect brow raised.

“You’re really pretty.”

Josh laughed out loud as another flicker of amusement flashed over his face. “You think so? Well, I think you’re really pretty as well, my handsome man.” Josh said with a giggle as he sauntered over and ruffled Tyler’s hair.

“Who said I was yours?” Tyler fake-sneered, sticking out his tongue. “Ok, sorry. Will you be my brofriend, Joshua William Dun?”

“I like how we didn’t even officiate our relationship.” Josh snorted, attempting to tame his hair for a second before giving up and letting it fall all over his face. “Yes, I will be your brofriend, Tyler Joseph.”

“You may kiss the bro.”

Josh grinned and leaned over to kiss Tyler, pinning him down on the bed. He giggled when their noses kept bumping together, the metal of Josh’s nose ring a little colder against Tyler’s skin. “Let me dye your hair.” Tyler said inbetween kisses, since he was the best at inappropriate timing and he took pride in that fact.

“Mmm, sure.” Josh hummed, lips falling to Tyler’s jaw and mouthing softly along the bone. It made Tyler’s skin tingle pleasantly and he really didn’t want it to end, but he didn’t think he’d ever get to stop and get around to finally doing Josh’s hair like he’d always wanted unless they ended it right then and there.

“Pleaseeee, Jishwa, we can continue this later.” Tyler promised with a giggle. Josh lifted his head up, threw a wink at Tyler, and then sat up and climbed off of Tyler’s lap.

“Deal. What color do you wanna do? I think it’s light enough for anything, but I have pink and red on hand.”

“Hmm.. I kind of want to see blue, but the pink is just so cute. Let me do that one again.” Tyler said, running his hands through Josh’s hair once the other man ducked his head.

“Sweet. Let me show you what to do.”

Josh led Tyler into the bathroom and got out a mixing bowl, a tinting brush, a bottle of bright pink hair dye and a bottle of white conditioner. “To dilute it, just mix it with conditioner. You can make it as light or dark as you want, my hair is your pallette.” Josh said, pulling a chair from the other room to sit on as Tyler poured a the variety of products into the bowl.

“I’m gonna make this kind of pastel and let’s hope this turns out alright. I’ve never done this before.” Tyler said as he squinted his eyes curiously at his mixture.

“I’ll be gentle.” Josh cooed with a devilish smirk. Tyler rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to make another leading comment back.

“So… I just.. brush it in with the thingy?” Tyler asked, frowning. Josh rolled his eyes, as if Tyler was being ridiculous for even hesitating. “Come on, I might mess up your head and burn your scalp off!”

“Yeah, I’m not gonna let you bleach it because then that might happen. Just brush it in unless you wanna get extra crazy and use your hands, which is way more fun and totally reccomended by me.”

“Ok.” Tyler put down the tinting brush and scooped a handful of dye and plopped it right in the center of Josh’s head, laughing as he messily spread it around. “Oh, god, it’s getting everywhere.”

Josh laughed back at him, looking at Tyler’s reflection in the mirror with adoration. “That’s kind of the point!” Tyler rolled his eyes as he caught Josh looking at him.

Twenty minutes and a whole wrecked towel later, the pair had finally managed to finish up and tidy up the bathroom while they waited for the dye to set. It was around nine in the morning and they had no plans for the day, so they seeked help from Debby “The Wise And Powerful” as Tyler had put it.

Debby and Jenna were laying on their bed both on their phones and not interacting with each other at all when Tyler and Josh walked in. “Heyyy.” Jenna said slowly, blinking as she looked away from her phone. That reminded Tyler that his two friends had probably texted him back a while ago, and he slid his phone out to check and zone out as Josh talked to the girls.

**Hayley <3:**

_i’m not rude, ur rude_

__

_lol ok fine but plsss tell me when u loose ur sweet virginity so mama Hayley can get some second-hand action for the first time in forever?? my bf is a fucking idiot, thats all u need 2 know_

Tyler snicked at how childish Hayley texted. It was kind of cute, but her lack of grammar sometimes got on his nerves. She was as playful and energetic on the phone as she was in real life, though.

**Okaaaaaay, fine, I will. I don’t know if that’ll even happen anytime soon though. Chad is bad at taking hints, so I’m not surprised.**

**How is everyone doing? How are you?**

“Tyler? That sound ok?” Jenna asked, one eyebrow raised. Tyler looked up from his phone after opening Mark’s message and blushed. “Uh, what?”

“You wanna go to a park? It’s less than an hour away, and there’s desert cacti, mountains and lakes that all look really cool in the winter.” Debby said. She sat up in bed and ran a couple of fingers through her hair before tying it up into a high ponytail.

“It’s literally called Joshua Tree National Park. It is _my_ park.” Josh piped up proudly, grinning widely.

“Yeah, thats awesome. Let’s do it after hair and food and human things.” Tyler said, looking back down at his phone.

**Mark:**

_Don’t be insecure, little Tyler baby, of course Joshie wants you, just wait and see._

_Hayley says to text her back_

**Well, this makes sense. You guys are hanging out together now? And teaming up on me?? Rude.**

“Let’s go rinse this dye out, Tilly.” Josh said, grabbing Tyler’s wrist and leading him back to their bathroom.

“Okay, I’m just texting my clingy friends back, sorry.” Tyler sighed, pecking Josh on the cheek while the other man made funny faces in the mirror at his reflection.

**Hayley <3:**

_im pretty good, i have Mark to keep me company via the phone bc you suck at texting back and x-mas rocked. to my knowledge, my whole band is dead soo??? im not sure how everyone else is. miss u xoxoxo_

__

**Glad you had a good time! I don’t care if Jeremy dies after he put that frog in my shirt while I was sleeping, but Taylor is cool so I hope he’s ok. Miss you too <3**

**Gotta go rinse out hair dye, but ill text you once I get in the car**

Tyler definitely knew that Josh could’ve easily rinsed it all out by himself, but he was asked to help, and he wasn’t complaining. Josh had the strangest thing for hair-pulling that he won’t admit out loud, but it was definitely there, so Tyler took great pleasure in tugging occasionally when handling colorful Dun hair. Every time he did it, Josh would let out a very subtle whine or groan. Tyler would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy it.

Once he had finished washing and drying Josh’s hair, Tyler suddenly found himself pushed up onto the bathroom counter and a mouthful of Josh, his legs spread and Josh standing in between them with his body pressed against the edge of the counter and Tyler’s torso. Tyler was caught off guard and he couldn’t move for a second, but then he quickly keened and tangled his hands in Josh’s wet hair and tugged it back to trace the lines of Josh’s adam’s apple. He’d wanted to do that for a while for some reason, and he wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity.

Josh groaned and tilted his head to the side as a signal to Tyler. He’d given a few hickeys to random fellow drunk people at parties, and it was usually pretty fun, so Tyler found a spot low on Josh’s neck to suck on and scrape a little with his teeth. Josh’s collar would easily go over the spot, so Tyler found another patch of Josh’s neck up higher to make it impossible because he enjoyed being a little easy. Plus, there was always a chance that it would kind of match Josh’s hair.

 

Tyler couldnʻt stop a couple of whimpers from pouring out of his mouth as Josh bit on his lower lip and pressed his thumbs into Tylerʻs hipbones, his strong hands wrapping around a large amount of Tylerʻs waistband. Josh was making the prettiest little noises and he gripped Tyler tighter as he traced his mouth over the line of Joshʻs jaw one last time.

“Tyler- shit.” Josh gasped, snatching up Tyler’s lips once again and slowing down a bit, taking the time to really work over his boyfriend’s mouth and get a proper taste. Their tongues mingled together in a way that Tyler expected to find gross, but he was pleasantly surprised. Joshʻs hands all over him and tiny breaths were hotter than Tyler could have imagined. He was one lucky bastard.

Tyler felt Josh’s hard-on for a moment when he shifted his thighs, and Mark’s text popped into his mind.

_Well, I guess this is proof that he wants me. Mark is always right_ , Tyler thought with a tiny smile.

The thought made Tyler excited and dizzy. He never wanted to stop kissing his boyfriend, but Debby and Jenna were probably waiting for them to get ready so they could go. Plus, they were in their bathroom, which was probably the least appealing place to ever kiss anyone. Tyler ended things by placing a few kisses on the slowly darkening spots on Josh’s neck and smiling against his boyfriend’s ear. “How are you going to cover this up so Debby doesn’t make fun of us, brofriend?” Tyler said quietly next to Josh’s ear.

Josh pulled away and took in a couple of sharp breaths before shaking himself and biting his lip in thought. “My scarf, I guess. You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“I certainly am.” Tyler chirped before hopping off the counter and sauntering off to put on a jacket. He took his phone out and created a group message while grinning to himself out of Josh’s sight.

**To: Mark and Hayley <3**

**You guys were right. Action update: I gave Josh a hickey. Also, I felt a boner. Not literally, but, like, I was aware of it’s presence.**

**P.S… screw off, you perverts ;)**

 


	15. Turn Back Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler never wanted to turn back time because the "good 'ol days" never really existed.
> 
> Another set of flashbacks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 40k words guys!!! How did I manage to do that?? Geez. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you all so much for your comments and kudos and stuff. It makes my day whenever I get feedback. And to nice people messaging me on tumblr, let's be friends, ok? You guys are all so awesome, I'm glad you guys can relate to this story or enjoy it. This chapter is a bit more personal to me and one of my friends, so I hope it has the desired effect that I want.

 

|-/

 

“Hey, Mark, uh, I have to tell you something.” Kate said quietly, rubbing her socks together and bumping shoulders with her best friend.

 

Ninth and the beginning of tenth grade had been hell. Every use of “she”, every comment about how much of a “beautiful young lady” she was, every time she noticed her chest getting bigger, it was hell. The worst part was that she’d been too afraid to tell her best friend or even consider herself as anything other than what people had known her as.

 

Katherine Joseph was tired of being Kate Joseph, simply put. She always had, and she knew she would always stay that way after living in denial for so long. She had never been more sure yet indecisive about anything in her whole entire life.

 

“What’s up, Joseph?” Mark said. He looked up from his phone after their comfortable extended silence and locked the screen to pay full attention once he realized his best friend was scared and taking an incredibly large step forward.

 

“I’m, um. I.” Kate stuttered, staring back down at her lap. Why was this so _hard?_ She _knew_ she should’ve just texted Mark a letter or something. She wanted him to believe him, though. She needed his support. “I’m not a girl.” Kate finished with a shudder, tears streaming down her pink cheeks. She wanted to say so much more, explain everything all at once, but after rehearsing it all so many times, she just didn’t know what to say.

 

“Yeah?” Mark said, a smile tugging at his lips. Kate was confused. Did Mark- did Mark know? “I figured. That’s why I’ve been careful with your name and stuff. I was waiting for you to tell me. Whatever you do, man, I’ll still love you.”

 

Kate burst into tears and wrapped her arms around Mark, burying her face into her best friend’s shoulder. They cried together out of happiness for once until Kate felt pleasantly drained and ready to explain everything she’d been going through for so long. It had been too long.

 

She was ready to be Tyler Robert Joseph, even if it scared her half to death, she knew it was her only real option.

 

|-/

 

“I’m sorry, Kate, but your dad just can’t deal with this right now.” Tyler’s mom said with a frown, disappointment written clearly on her face.

 

“ _He_ can’t deal with this? I’ve been dealing with this my whole life, mom!” Tyler found himself screaming, his vision blurred with tears. Talking with Mark had gone so _well,_ and he’d been going by Tyler with him for months and he finally wrote a coming out letter that was hopefully enough to explain to his parents-

 

“Calm down, Kate, honey. He’ll come around.” Tyler’s mom said, trying to appear sympathetic. She lifted a hand and settled it on Tyler’s shoulder as if to give some kind of comfort or support.

 

It was hard to believe she was supportive when she hadn’t made an effort to understand. To her, it was just a phase. To Tyler, it was his whole identity besides basketball or music, but it was different. It was more important than his hobbies.

 

It was a way to help his mental health, it was a light that shone brightly and told Tyler that he wasn’t just temporarily confused. He was a boy, and the fact that no one else seemed to let him be one was only making everything worse.

 

“Don’t touch me.” Tyler growled, jerking out of his mother’s grasp. He hadn’t seen his father in over 24 hours since he had placed the letter on their bed, and it hurt. It burned his chest inside out and drove Tyler up the walls. He didn’t deserve this from his own _family._

 

He needed his father to feel the pain that Tyler had been experiencing for months on end.

 

Tyler’s dad was convinced that Tyler was some sort of female basketball prodigy. Tyler had won six different basketball trophies over the years, the last one being the prized item of the bunch- Ohio state championships. Tyler had scored the winning score, and the sight of the trophy always managed to make Tyler’s father proud, no matter what.

 

Tyler was proud of it too. He really was, but the fact that his parents didn’t bother telling any of his siblings what was going because they were _embarrassed_ \- or, as his mom had put it, “wanting to wait until you’re really sure”. He told them how sure he was over and over. They didn’t listen.

 

“Katherine, wait!” Tyler’s mom shouted, not bothering to follow Tyler as he ran to the hallway.

 

He stood in front of the trophy case, eyes glazed over. His dad deserved a wake-up call. Tyler opened the glass door and balanced his trophies in his arms, sprinting to the back door where the wall he bounced balls off of when he was bored was.

 

“Fuck. YOU!” Tyler screeched in a fit of frustration as a threw his oldest trophy at the empty wall with all of the strength he could muster. “I’m. Not. _Confused!_ ” He yelled as he threw the next trophy with gritted teeth. He felt a hot rush of adrenaline flow through his veins as he threw the third trophy, a manic smile spread across his face.

 

The thrill of it all send Tyler’s brain into a frenzy. ”We’ll see what you do once your perfect fucking daughter is dead and all there is left is me, dad.” Tyler growled under his breath, talking to the wall as if it were some sort of punching bag and stress ball to rant to. Which, in a way, it was a way to relive Tyler’s pain. As he violently hurled all of his life’s achievements that his father noticed at the wall, he felt good, he felt relief wash over through him as he let off steam.

 

“Kate?” A small voice said from the doorway. Standing in the open frame was his mother, his father, and his little brother, Zack. He looked scared, and only then did Tyler realize that he was acting kind of crazy.

 

His father just looked more disappointed than he had earlier. Tyler didn’t know if he was even upset about the trophies. Maybe he was just sad because his daughter was such a _filthy_ faggot, just like Tyler had been told he was several times by people that didn’t matter. This time, it was his own flesh and blood looking at him like he’d made a mistake by being born.

 

“I’m not your sister. Mom and dad just don’t accept that.” Tyler said in an angry voice. He dropped the trophies in the middle of the concrete pavement and pushed past everyone to lock himself in his room for the rest of the day and through the night. The sad part was that no one even tried to stop him.

 

Tyler never felt like dying more than he had that day.

 

If it weren’t for Mark, maybe he would have.

 

~*~

 

**Mark:**

_hang in there, buddy. Your parents will come around_

_come over and we’ll watch shitty horror movie remakes or something.Those are always funny enough to cheer you up._

**Ok, I will. I’ll sneak out and bike over in a few.**

 

**Mark:**

_Oh hell no, not by yourself, dude. It’s like four miles. I’ll meet you halfway?_

**Done.**

 

Tyler quickly threw on a pair of jeans over the pair of boxers his parents didn’t know about along with a t-shirt and a hoodie, completed with faded yellow converse that he’d almost outgrown over a year ago.

 

It was almost too easy to sneak out. He’d done it countless times before, mainly when he was mad at his family for one reason or the other or sad. Tyler spent many nights walking or biking around aimlessly and occasionally making his way to Mark’s house without any warning.

 

The two met in the middle of the road after a bit of biking. Tyler pulled his best friend into a hug and thanked him a thousand times and they made their way over to Mark’s fairly slowly so they could talk.

 

“You sure your parents are cool with me coming over?” Tyler asked skeptically. Mark’s parents didn’t seem to care about what he did too often (namely, whether he was out “studying”, a.k.a getting high) so he wasn’t worried, but Tyler wasn’t mentally prepared to be kicked out and forced back home once again.

 

“They’re good. You’re good. Trust me.”

 

“Okay… hey, will you cut my hair? You have a shaver with the different lengths, right?”

 

Tyler’s parents had finally allowed him to get his hair cut short a few months back, but it was in a strange-looking pixie cut instead of what he actually wanted. Mark had offered to do his hair before, but that was before Tyler came out to his parents and before they told him he was most likely being irrational. It was time to do something for himself without living in fear.

 

“Yeah, let’s do that. I’ll ask my mom to make the cookies you want to shove up your ass since she doesn’t have to work ‘til later tomorrow. Then we can watch a movie or play video games or whatever. Up to you.” Mark said with a warm, genuine smiled pointed towards Tyler. He felt so damn lucky to have Mark as his friend. Mark was an asshole some of the time, but he cared. He was an asshole who cared.

 

“I love you, man. No homo.”

 

“All the homo.” Mark threw him a wink and they both burst out into laughter. Tyler almost fell off of his bike as a result, but they ended up getting to Mark’s safely.

 

Mark’s mom ended up making deliciously gooey chocolate chip cookies and Tyler fell asleep within the first twenty minutes of an old disney movie with freshly cut hair that finally made him feel complete, his head on Mark’s lap and a warm feeling settled his chest for the first time in what seemed like forever.

 

|-/

 

 


	16. He Keeps Me Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fucking drummers, man."
> 
> I'm sorry, mom.

"Josh Dun!" Tyler exclaimed, his face displaying one of shock and horror. "You did _not_ just beat me, _no_ , koopa troopa can do fall off rainbow road for all I care." Tyler huffed in a disgruntled tone.

Josh, the incredible asshole, just laughed at Tyler and paused the game. "Fine, lets stop playing and you can keep your $20. You should really stop betting on frivolous things, Tyler Joseph."

Tyler rolled his eyes and got up to turn off the wii before settling back in bed with Josh. They'd had a long day taking pictures by mountains and daring each other to put their feet on the frozen lake, all of it completed by a feast at Taco Bell before they headed back. The past few days had been the best of Tyler's life. He couldn't remember ever having so much fun all the time, and he wasn't about to let it slip away.

 

"Thanks. You owed me anyways, though, just putting that out there."

"I thought the stuffed bear was a gift!"

"I don't give handouts, Josh." Tyler giggled, tossing their unnamed stuffed bear at Josh's innocent face. He'd bought it at the park's gift shop after watching Josh stare at it with adoration for an extended period of time. He felt like a good boyfriend that won prizes for his date at all of the state fairs. " _Fine,_ you win. I'm glad you like the bear."

Tyler let out a yawn and snuggled close into Josh's side. He was tired, but he wasn't quite ready to sleep. He felt like he hadn't really gotten to talk to Josh for a while, and the calm atmosphere felt like the right place to do it.

"Are you ok with not seeing your family this break, Josh?"

"It was kind of hard at first, but I don't miss them as much with you here." Josh said affectionately in response, voice tinged with a little bit sadness. 

Tyler didn't want to cross any boundaries, but he had his curiosities. "Do you miss your dad?" He asked nervously, staring down at his lap. Josh was a sensitive guy sometimes, and Tyler really didn't want to be asking questions he wasn't comfortable answering. Josh seemed fairly unfazed, though, telling by his primarily steady voice.

"I... I kind of do, but not really. I just miss certain things about him, you know? The way he used to be able to talk about cars and science until I had no more questions, the way he'd let me do things mom didn't approve of like it was our little secret. He was cool, and I think that as a kid my naive self didn't see the bad stuff." Josh said, sounding a little dejected but not too upset. "The anger issues, the laziness, the lack of commitment, all of that and more made everything harder for my mom. He didn't... Didn't, like, abuse me, but he hurt me in a different way when he just up and left. My mom said that he was always scared of having to provide."

"I'm sorry, Josh. You just don't deserve that. It must've been hard." Tyler said gently with a hand stroking along Josh's arm in a rhythmic motion.

"I had my drums and I had my jobs to keep me distracted. I'm just glad that we made it out alright. I'm tired of being bitter about things, anyways. I was so angry, Tyler. I did dangerous things just because I was so upset. I put my life in danger doing dumb stunts because I wanted to provide payback or something. Kind of like a "screw you, this is your fault", you know?"

Tyler knew. Tyler knew all too well. The memories of his broken trophies and his father's disappointed face flashed in his head once again, a sharp memory of pain and red-hot anger. "I understand you completely. After I came out, my parents didn't understand, and my dad wouldn't come out of his room to talk to me. I threw my basketball trophies at the wall to get back at him, I started climbing things for no reason, all that same kind of stuff." Tyler didn't want to make things about himself, but he wanted Josh to know that he knew what it was like- what it was like to be so angry and so disappointed in a parent.

"Yeah. That kinda stuff. I would skate huge railings without a helmet and come home with scraped up hands and knees. I think we were both angry kind of around the same time." Josh sighed, and Tyler picked up his hand and kissed his knuckles a few times.

"I think I'm done hurting myself, and I want you to be happy, too. If it helps, you can talk to me about anything."

"Of course, Ty. I'm a lot better than I was. I don't really have anything sad that I haven't already figured out for myself, man. My biggest issue recently was just missing you, but now that's fixed." Josh smiled when Tyler turned around and they rubbed their noses together. A beautifully cheesy butterfly rose in Tyler's chest, making him feel light-hearted and giddy. Josh tended to do that to him.

"I never wanna miss you again."

~*~

The next day, Debby's mom decided that it was time to involve everyone in helping her make her signature Ryan's family pie, and everyone ate until they were too full to move. Josh and Tyler ended up doing nothing all day, blissfully laying around the house and giggling about different people getting yelled at on cooking shows. The food channel didn't even manage to make Tyler hungry even several hours after he was over feeling absolutely stuffed.

"Josh, it's _cold_." Tyler groaned, flopping ungracefully onto their bed and throwing his hands over his eyes. "I need your warmth."

"They usually keep the heater up pretty high, but I can change the temperature in this room if you want." Josh said with a smug smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. "Or we can just cuddle, you big baby boy."

"The second one, please." Tyler giggled, urging Josh to join him and wrapping his legs around the pink-haired skater boy. "You're basically a walking heater."

"Oh yeah?" Josh smirked, settling down on Tyler's waist as he sat on top of him. "Is it because I'm just so hot?" He asked with his usual playful tone along with a serious note.

"Actually, yeah." Tyler bit his lip and looked up at Josh with a light blush, admiring his view from where he was laying down on the bed. Josh was basically the prettiest human being to walk on the face of the planet, no exaggeration there, and the more Tyler looked at him, the more he wanted to see him in every single way.

The prospect of sex terrified Tyler mostly. There wasn't really a reason for it not to- he was trans, he was a virgin, he was socially awkward, and he didn't know what he was doing even when he was _drunk_. It should've been scary to flirt with Josh, to look at his boyfriend with a leer and have to worry about it leading up to anything but it was easy he didn't really feel the need to be scared. The only calming techniques during past stressful and panicked times he ever needed was the thought of Josh, after all.

After sleeping in the same bed and making out until their lips were swollen and numb, Tyler didn't think there was that big of a difference between their regular intimacy and something a little more. Besides, nothing could possibly be more embarrassing than flying off of a skateboard and getting a concussion.

Tyler sat up higher on the bed so he could pull Josh's shirt off and lean in to kiss him. A flicker of surprise flashed on Josh's face for a second, but he soon keened and leaned into Tyler's touch. With a bare chest, Josh's arm tattoos stood out even more. They'd talked about the meaning of their tattoos before, and that conversation seemed like it was so much more private than anything else they could possibly do. The tree on Josh's arm twisted around and sank into his skin as a sign of his underlying faith that always stayed with him- his faith to his beliefs, and possibly his faith in Tyler. Tattoos could always unearth new feelings, after all. A boy could dream.

Josh nosed his mouth against the skin of Tyler's neck and rolled his hips gently, as if to just test the surface. His voice was hot and heavy in Tyler's ear as it rumbled with an extra edge to it. "This warming you up yet, pretty boy?" Josh asked with a sense of pride on his lips as he lay on top of Tyler and felt the other boy shudder underneath him.

"N-no, it's not." Tyler said as defiantly as possible.

Josh huffed out a laugh and snuck his cold hands under Tyler's shirt and ran his calloused fingers along Tyler's ribcage and the lines of hipbones, a gorgeous smirk splayed on his face that Tyler couldn't help but stare at. His boyfriend's cold hands somehow felt more like fire than ice as they traced the lines of his body and urged his shirt off, revealing a purple sports bra that Tyler had a habit of never taking off so he didn't have to deal with his chest, well, _existing_. Tyler wanted to get one particular tattoo across the left side, but he would have to wait a while after the case of when he could actually afford top surgery along with expensive college tuition fees.

They were in no rush, and Josh took plenty of time working his teeth over Tyler's collarbones until there were noticeable marks. At that point, Josh had Tyler pressed down completely on the bed, and Tyler felt a need to watch Josh squirm under him like he'd been doing for a while.

"The world is burning but I'm still so cold, Jish." Tyler giggled, pushing Josh off of him so he could straddle his boyfriend along with a lame interpretation of his own lyrics that he'd shared with Josh a few times before. He felt warm and pleasantly jittery, but he could always manage to play up being chilly if it meant _this._

Tyler didn't exactly know what to do with the situation in front of him. Josh patiently looked up at him with a gleam in his eyes, pupils darkening when Tyler freed his chest of the last of his clothing. Tyler felt like he was on fire under Josh’s gaze, and his cheeks heated up to an embarrassingly bright pink. He ducked his head and settled on kissing Josh so that he couldn’t look at him quite yet. Tyler gained lots of confidence once he grabbed a hold on Josh’s hair and tugged his head down into the pillows, earning a long moan in response.

“You like that so much, c _hrist_.” Tyler whispered against Josh’s lips in a soft drawl.

“Don’t use God’s name in vain, _Joseph_.” Josh said playfully, his voice lower than Tyler remembered. He realized how incredibly quiet they were at that moment. The two of them had been breathing heavily and whispering for a while, but there was enough space in between rooms for them to be almost as loud as they wanted.

Debby and Jenna were really, _really_ loud.

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ, _Josh_.” Tyler emphasized with a heavy roll of his hips against Josh’s and a low moan, his hands working into Josh’s pink locks and his eyes fluttering shut. Working up his boyfriend felt natural, as if they’d done this before when in reality it was all so foreign. To Tyler, it was completely new, but to Josh, the element of the two of them together wasn’t so predictable either.

Tyler could feel Josh get hard just from that through his pants. Tyler was a little proud. With a grin, he shifted down on the bed so he was propped in between Josh’s knees. Tyler undid Josh’s black skinny jeans and tugged down the dark material to the middle of his thighs, his hands eagerly finding their way to grope Josh through his bright red boxer briefs.

“ _Fuck._ ” Josh cursed breathily. He threw his head back and clutched the bed sheets as Tyler touched him, enthusiasm overshadowing his lack of experience or knowledge as to what he was supposed to be doing. Josh was making the most delicious noises ever as well as trying not to roughly jerk his hips against Tyler’s hand, so the brown-haired boy was pretty sure he was doing something right.

Tyler slipped a hand under the soft material of Josh’s underwear and took his boyfriend’s hardened cock in his hand with  a tight fist, a look of concentration painted on his face as he stroked up the base unevenly. “You’re so gorgeous, Tyler. S-shit, it feels so good.” Josh praised him, encouraging Tyler to gain a bit more confidence. He tugged off the rest of Josh’s clothes past his feet and settled back down in between his propped up legs, one hand gripping the base of Josh’s cock while he cautiously dipped his head down further sucked on the head with dark, wet lips.

It wasn’t like he’d never watched porn or anything, it was just- it was _real life_ , and here Josh was, all splayed out for him and unattainably attractive and breathy while Tyler was so unsure and so _undeserving_. Tyler bobbed his head down on Josh’s prick until he almost met his closed fist, trying to take in as much as possible at once. Josh was- well, he was just kind of _big,_ as Tyler had expected. It was more inconvenient than anything else.

Josh’s hands made their way to Tyler’s hair and tugged upwards, less as a following movement and more of an order. Confused, Tyler popped his head up and pulled his mouth off of Josh with a few following strokes with his hand. “What’s wrong, J?” He asked, concerned and insecure. Maybe he really _was_ as bad as he thought, but Josh didn't look like he was disappointed at all.

“I don’t wanna spoil the fun before I really see you.” Josh purred, fingers pushing loose hairs out of Tyler’s face as he sat up so they could look each other in the eyes. The look of adoration and lust on Josh’s face and the heavy air from the room was intense and took the air right out of Tyler’s lungs, especially when Josh started to tug down on his sweatpants and underwear all in one.

Josh’s shot him a careful look. “Is this okay? Are you ok?” He worked a seam into his own lip from biting down worriedly, most likely because Tyler probably looked more nervous than he felt. He kept switching out of being nervous and barely thinking at all, but he was still confident in the way that he knew what he wanted.

“It’s more than okay.” Tyler assured him, his hands closing around Josh’s knuckles to help take off the rest of his clothes and toss them down to the ground. “Remember when I first came in here and you were embarrassed of all your clothes on the floor?” Tyler giggled, hands roaming across Josh’s chest and pinching his nipples lightly to see if it drew a reaction out of Josh. He was mainly composed, but when Josh's- tongue found it’s way to Tyler’s nipples the younger boy couldn’t help but let out an involuntary gasp. Josh hummed and sucked on his nipple with more vehement movements, his dark lashes falling closed and mouth trailing from one of Tyler’s breasts to the other.

Josh brought his head up to his Tyler again, his hands falling to grab tightly onto the other boy’s hips. Tyler let out a gasp as Josh’s erection rubbed slick and sweet against his own crotch. “Yeah, glad we’re past that. You’ll be coming pretty soon, Tyler.” Josh grinned at his own line as he fervently kissed the boy in his lap. “Let me taste you, please.”

Tyler wasn’t about to refuse that, so he obediently climbed off of Josh and laid down on the bed, another complete switch of positions. Josh kissed the pale flesh of Tyler's inner thighs from the middle of his tan line to the mass of un-tamed dark hairs surrounding Tyler's cunt. Each kiss and touch of Josh's lips to his skin was practically electric.

 

Josh was delightfully full of himself, and for good reason, too. After a few flicks of his tongue against Tyler’s tight little bundle of nerves that had just been _begging_ to be touched, Tyler felt a lot looser and he breathed out in pleasure as he sank into the bed.

Tyler felt a sense of gratification wash over him as Josh started sucking and licking on his sensitive spot. He’d imagined this before in his head- a little guiltily at first, but with no hesitation when it was Josh eating him out in real life like it was the best thing that had ever happened to the pink-haired boy. Josh moaned and hummed as he moved his mouth ardently over all of the right places, and he was just enjoying himself so much that Tyler got off even more on watching Josh.

“Josh, come on, more, _please_.” Tyler gasped, shifting his hips in time with the rhythmic flick’s of Josh’s tongue.

“Oh, I just love it when you beg, baby.” Josh said with a playful purr before returning to his previous position. Tyler wasn’t sure how much he was kidding or acting, but he was amazing at talking like a filthy sinner with a libidinous tone and Tyler wasn’t about to complain. He couldn’t help but let out continuous moans as Josh increased his speed and pressure on his sweet little nub.

As Tyler started to feel the start of a tingling heat pool in the bottom of his stomach and a tightening in his breathing, Josh slipped a finger inside of the writhing boy and thrust into Tyler as he came, mouth open and silent in the thick air of the room shared between the two of them.

“Fucking _hell,_ Josh.” Tyler swore under his breath, taking a moment to lay on the soft sheets of the bed and feel wonderfully, blissfully numb. He wasn’t sure how long he’d taken to come, but it probably hadn’t been that long considering the smug look on Josh’s face. Tyler wanted to wipe that look clean off of his boyfriend’s face and help him get off from more than just Tyler himself getting off. Tyler shifted up to his knees on the bed, holding onto Josh’s firm shoulders for support. His thighs involuntarily started to tremble from the effort of it after his orgasm, but Tyler was determined. “Whoa, Tilly. It’s ok.” Josh said in a concerned voice as he held onto Tyler’s arms.

“I want you to fuck me.” Tyler said firmly, crashing his lips into Josh’s mouth with less grace than he had hoped but enough passion to keep him going. “Are there any condoms?”

Josh blinked a couple of times before blinking and shaking himself out of a trance. “Uh, yeah. Debby put some in the bathroom before I knew you were coming.”

“Seriously? Oh my god.” Tyler said, throwing his head back in laughter. “I love her.”

“I love you.” Josh said sweetly, offering Tyler the cutest smile known to man along with a soft kiss. “I’ll go get one.” He got up before Tyler could say anything response, leaving him stranded on the bed naked, flushed and smiling like an idiot.

Josh came tumbling back into bed a couple seconds later with a half-unwrapped condom. Tyler laughed when Josh asked him to do it for him just because he sounded so nervous, like he was going to break it or something. Tyler found himself lost in a fit of giggles as the thought that _maybe Josh hadn’t done this either_ crossed his mind. He got caught up in Josh’s warm gaze as his boyfriend that he _loved_  stared back at him with dark brown eyes and lines of soft freckles that shifted with every smile and every word out of Josh's mouth.

Tyler laid down on the bed and let Josh move and grab Tyler’s hips as he slowly positioned the line of his cock against Tyler, a little too slow for his liking but he was sympathetic all the same. He could understand Josh not wanting to hurt him, but _still_. “ _Move_ , you dummy.” Tyler said as he hooked his hands behind Josh’s neck and shifted his hips into Josh’s firm thumbs once again. Josh pressed his smile against Tyler’s collarbones and kissed the bruised skin softly as he started shifting his hips in a smooth, rhythmic motion. It felt a little strange- definitely not as good as porn makes it seem, not the same as how fingers were, but good all the same, especially since Tyler was already sensitive from his last orgasm.

Tyler pressed a finger against that particularly sensitive spot and let out little gasps and moans as Josh moved in him, slow and careful at first but eventually picking up a distinct rough passion and sense of rhythm that Josh was always bound to carry with him no matter what he did.

“Fucking- drummers, man.” Tyler let out with a huff, unable to stop laughing at everything in a giddy way. Josh chuckled back under his breath and he lifted up his head to better position himself, his arms propped against the bed on either side of Tyler.

Josh had the most gorgeous look on his face as he thrusted into Tyler, pressing the other boy deep down in the bed. Tyler found himself coming again without much pre-warning from his own body, his face scrunching up tight as a long, whiny moan let out of his mouth.

“Shit, Tyler.” Josh panted, digging his fists into the bed and letting his face fall down into an open-mouthed look of bliss as he came after his boyfriend with a couple of sharp thrusts.

Tyler laid in bed with a tiny smile creeping up on his face as Josh pulled out of Tyler and got up to get rid of the condom, his body similarly loose and shaky like Tyler’s was. He bit his lip and his face scrunched up into that smile that Tyler loved so much and had slowly found himself getting used to over the past couple of days they had gotten to spend together.

“Hey.” Josh giggled, flopping into bed practically on top of Tyler. Their legs tangled naturally, the faded bruises on Tyler’s knees contrasting against both of their pale skin. Tyler felt a little gross and sweaty, but he was also too peaceful and tingly to bear to move right that second. Plus, Josh was warm and cuddly. Like Tyler’s own little space heater.

 **  
**“Joshua Dun,” Tyler sighed out happily. “I really do love you too.”


	17. Stay Alive For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Happy New Year, Joshua Dun."

“We’re going to go out like _this_? Really?” Tyler asked quizzically, examining the dark blue suit and tie that went along with the white undershirt. Josh grinned back at him and shrugged on the jacket to his matching suit, completely devoid of an explanation. “It’s literally just a New Year’s party.”

 

“Oh, Tyler, you’re so cute but so oblivious. This is the Ryans we’re talking about. They go all out for every single party they host. You need to dress nice, trust me.”

 

“That wasn’t what I was talking about. I meant the _matching_ aspect. We look adorable, granted, but it’s kind of ridiculous. It’s also kind of weird that you knew my measurements.” Tyler said with an accompanying roll of his eyes. When he turned to the full body mirror to see him and Josh standing together, though, he was pleased to see how much of a couple they looked like. It was sickeningly cute. Not to mention that Josh looked fantastic in a suit and Tyler felt very affirmed in his masculinity when he got all dressed up like this.

 

“What can I say? I’m observant." Josh said with a wink and a poorly concealed trail of his eyes that looked Tyler up and down like he was a piece of meat. “You look extremely handsome tonight, so just bear with being my trophy husband for now.”

 

Tyler had no way to argue against that and certainly no way to fight off the blush that rose in his cheeks at Josh’s words, so he settled on tiptoeing to kiss Josh and wrap his arms around his bubblegum boyfriend. “This would look cooler if you had blue hair.” Tyler commented once he pulled away and positioned himself firmly on the ground. Josh kept a gentle hand planted on Tyler’s waist and they stood together in close range. Josh didn't bother answering how the  _hell_ he actually did manage to rent a suit that fitted Tyler perfectly, but he chose to leave some things up for the universe- and, well, for Josh to know and for Tyler to simply ignore.

 

“That’s too bad that you have attachment issues to the pink.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

Josh leaned down and Tyler pinned him down on the bed and they both ended up shutting up for a while, suits and all other clothing excluded from the exchange.

 

~*~

 

The whole other half of the Ryan residence was completely filled with people holding champagne glasses and making dull but pleasant conversation by the time Josh and Tyler emerged from their room, fully dressed once again and devoid of any lingering embarrassingly flushed skin.

 

“Look who decided to show up. Right before the toasts, too.” Debby tutted with a questioning smirk of pure evil and mischief. Josh coughed into his sleeve and Tyler ducked his head in a blush. “Don’t worry about it, just go find my parents before they gather everyone together for a grand speech that they always do and always manage to perfect. Complement them on the party or something. They live on praise, I swear to god.”

 

Tyler nodded his head and threw a wave when he caught Jenna’s eye as she made her way over to Debby with two glasses of wine in hand.The two women were wearing rather glittery yet formal dresses for the occasion, Debby’s hair falling in perfect loose curls that tumbled gracefully down her shoulders and Jenna’s blonde locks twisted up into an intricate bun adorned with dark blue jewels that matched her dress.

 

“You both look very beautiful tonight.” Tyler said with a tiny smile. Jenna giggled and took a sip of her wine. Tyler wasn’t sure if she was of drinking age, but Debby definitely wasn’t and she didn’t seem too concerned as she took her own glass in hand from her girlfriend. Debby attempted to curtsy, but her dress was tragically tight and short and she ended up failing miserably. Maybe tragic wasn’t the right word, since Debby pulled off anything she attempted most of the time.

 

“How heterosexual of you, Tyler!” Debby said with an enthusiastic giggle.

 

“I’m not gay, you do know that, right?” Tyler said with a lighthearted laugh and a playful roll of his eyes. Josh linked their arms together and moved his mouth dangerously close to Tyler’s neck until his breath was a hot, steady stream on Tyler’s jawline. “I’ll change your mind about that.” Josh whispered in Tyler’s ear before pulling his head back and tugging on Tyler’s arm to escort them out of his best friend’s presence.

 

“Sure, mmmhm.” Debby called out to them lazily before she turned back to Jenna and took a swig of her wine, somehow still classy as she downed the glass in one go. After that, Tyler lost sight of them and focused his attention on Josh’s happy expression, admiring the way his bright eyes crinkled in the corners as they searched for Debby’s parents.

 

They eventually found the Ryan couple talking story with a large group of extremely well-groomed people with rehearsed laughs that echoed throughout the house, and after a brief number of compliments Josh and Tyler shuffled their way through the throngs of people littering the hallways and making a loud clash of conversation that mingled together to fill the air with scattered pieces of conversation that muddled together in chaotic harmony.

 

In the kitchen, there was an impressive spread of food spread across multiple tables, and Tyler helped himself to a heaping plate that mainly consisted of what appeared to be mac and cheese but seemed a little too fancy to be labeled as such. Josh and Tyler tucked themselves into a small couch in the corner of one of the rooms with Debby and Jenna until it was time to make a new year’s toast and gather to watch the ball drop in New York City on the largest television in the house. Which was, quite honestly, more close to a movie theatre screen than anything else considering the projector, but Tyler wasn’t exactly sure what to call it.

 

There must’ve been at least 100 people in the Ryan residence at that point, possibly more, but everyone seemed to manage packing together for that precious moment that only came once a year.

 

“What’s your new year’s resolution, Tilly?” Josh asked him, his head down turned to look at Tyler. Debby was pressed against his right side, and Tyler turned to the left so he was almost chest-to-chest with Josh.

 

“I’m not sure. Maybe… maybe to make the best of what I have and stay alive, possibly?” Tyler said hesitantly, feeling dumb for not having a solid or specific goal set for the new year. Resolutions never seemed to stick with him anyways.

 

“Stay alive. I like that. That’s gonna be mine as well.” Josh said sincerely, taking a hold of Tyler’s hands and looking deep into his eyes as everyone started chanting the countdown.

 

“Ten!”

 

“Have you ever been kissed on New Years, Tyler?”

 

“Nine!”

 

Tyler’s heart leapt into his throat.

 

“Eight!”

 

“No.”

 

“Seven!”

 

“Do you want to change that?”

 

“Six!”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Five!”

 

Tyler grinned and soaked in the movie moment, soaked in the soft lights framing Josh’s face and the possibilities of a new year.

 

“Four!”

 

Josh slung his arms over Tyler’s shoulders and bumped their noses together, both of their eyes falling shut and their ears drowning out the noise of all of the swarms of people around them.

 

“Three!”

 

Tyler’s lips brushed softly against Josh’s. He could feel the other man’s breath tickle his nose in the cutest sort of way.

 

“Two!”

 

“Stay alive for me.”

 

“One!”

 

Tyler and Josh’s lips met in a soft but passionate embrace, a smile curling on Tyler’s face as he wrapped his arms around Josh’s waist and they swung together softly to an invisible beat until the clapping around them started to disperse. Josh was looking at him with that expression that practically screamed “I love you”, and Tyler felt that the only way to really capture the moment was to close his eyes and bury his head in Josh’s chest.

 

Stay alive, stay alive, for me.

  
“Happy new year, J.”

 

~*~

 

The next couple of days blurred by in a giddy haze, the days melting into the nights just like the way Tyler’s mouth and body would melt into Josh’s in the calm serenity of both daylight and nighttime. It moved slowly in especially intimate during shared private moments full of soft, lingering kisses and wandering hands that could never seem to settle. Once Tyler realized that he could touch and stare at Josh as much as he wanted without permission, it seemed like that was all he could really do to fill up the days along with all of the activities they did during the day with Jenna and Debby. Tyler tended to get caught up in so many moments that he didn’t miss home all that much. In fact, he dreaded ever going back.

 

It wasn’t like he didn’t miss his friends. He missed Mark’s teasing and calm demeanor and Hayley’s bubbling energy and most of all, he missed his family and the comfort of his dorm room. Tyler thrived on adventure and the unknown, but that didn’t mean that home didn’t hold a significant place of warmth and familiarity in his heart.

 

The thing was, Josh made him feel the same way he did at home. Secure and safe with a fistful of excitement thrown in to make it even better. Josh really was the complete package.

 

Whenever Tyler brought himself to think about the inevitability of being forced to leave to return to his studies and life in Ohio, Tyler had to resist making any sort of romantic gesture that would keep him in California. He couldn’t repress feelings permanently, but he could certainly push them to the side when he held Josh’s hand or tasted the soft skin of his inner thighs that had been reluctant on building muscle mass. When Tyler woke up to a fuzzy pink-haired mess next to him, he didn’t have to think about the future. He could only focus on the moment and appreciate it for all it was worth.

 

_So this is what it’s like to be in love._

 

Joshua William Dun sent him into a blissful hurricane, but the night before Tyler’s flight back home he couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that crawled like a dark and brooding spider that made it’s way from the pit of Tyler’s stomach and up into his throat until he was suffocated by all of the anxiety and despair.

 

Josh noticed, of course, and Tyler had been too distracted in his own thoughts to notice that his boyfriend was equally uneasy, if not more so. They had spent most of the day in peaceful silence together, just enjoying each other’s company, and it wasn’t until later in the evening during an X-Files marathon that Tyler started to notice the consistent jiggle of Josh’s leg and the way his fingers tapped along to an invisible rhythm like Josh tended to do when he was on edge. He had a sad look on his face as well, and it killed Tyler to see him so off-put.

 

“Hey, Jish. What’s up?” Tyler asked in the smoothest voice he could manage, free of any rips or tears that threatened to ruin his calm composure during a time when Josh needed a steady hand to hold and guide him. Josh’s gaze flickered nervously to Tyler’s form and he quickly realized that he hadn’t even been paying attention to the TV, so he quickly paused the episode and stared down at his folded hands in his lap. It looked like Josh was trying to hold himself back from his nervous antics. Tyler took Josh’s hand in his own and attempted to reassuringly swipe his thumb over the back of his boyfriend’s hand.

 

“Hey, sorry. I’m.” Josh inhaled deeply and seemed to shake himself out of a deep thought process. “You must be more upset to be leaving than me, I’m sorry I’m such a nervous mess.”

 

“Don’t worry about it. Seriously. We’ll make this work, I know we will.” Tyler said reassuringly. He knew he wouldn’t be interested in anyone else but Josh, but still… no one has ever praised long distance for being easy. “I’m in this through thick and thin if you are.” Tyler gave Josh’s hand a tight squeeze to try soothe the worried look settled on his brow.

 

“I’m in, don’t you dare doubt that for a second. It’s just… I feel like once you leave, you’ll never be coming back. That you’ll move on without a second glance, and I know it’s dumb, but I… I can’t help but be scared, Tyler. I can’t lose you too.”

 

Tyler knew that Josh had lingering abandonment issues that hadn’t gone away and probably never would and Tyler did his best to be reassuring and as honest as possible, but you couldn’t cure insecurities overnight. That was something that Josh understood, thankfully, so they communicated well and all of their compliments had no hidden purposes besides the vocalization of genuine inner feelings. Their understanding of one another was one of the things that Tyler liked most about Josh.

 

“You won’t. I can’t promise that there’s no chance of things falling apart, granted, but I like to think that we can get through anything. Besides, I’ll see you in a few months for the summer and we still have the internet to communicate, right?” Tyler wiped a stray tear off of Josh’s cheek. They met in a tight hug, Josh’s shoulders shaking slightly and his head buried in Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler rubbed his back and held back a few tears to no avail. He didn’t like seeing Josh like this, but it was good to get both of their feelings out.

 

“Yeah, yeah, w-we have the internet.” Josh said in a muffled and choked voice after a minute of silence, his head still permanently glued to Tyler’s skin. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too, and nothing will be change that.”

 

Josh sighed and leaned back on the bed, taking Tyler’s hands in his own and looking his boyfriend in the eyes through the red-rimmed result of his tears. “I have a present for you.”

 

“Oh, yeah?” Tyler asked curiously.

 

“Yeah. I forked together however much you’ll need to get your top surgery done what should hopefully be right after you get back. Or, like, whenever you could get an appointment, or, whenever you wanted, I don’t know. I just- I know how much your chest bothers you and I want you to be happy. Plus, you’ll have some badass scars that I can touch without it hurting by the time I see you next. I’ll save up for a plane ticket and get a job once I start school again.”

 

Tyler was blown away for a second after hearing all of this. He wasn’t sure how Josh had figured out what he needed to hurry up the process, but anything was sure to help. Tyler looked less into the money and more into the gesture Josh was giving him as a smile split across his face. The idea of finally getting rid of his feminine breasts no longer seemed like a distant dream, and instead a close reality that both scared and excited Tyler. He swung his arms around Josh once again and muttered a stream of “thank you thank you”’s into Josh’s ear. “Josh, that means so much to me. Thank you so much.”

 

“Of course.” Josh whispered back gently, a firm hand gripping into Tyler’s back.

 

Tyler pulled away and bit his lip after pecking Josh’s cheek. “You have to admit, though, you love my tits, in all of their small-and-perky loveliness.”

 

“I do.” Josh laughed, throwing his head back and smiling. “They’re cute. You’re cute. I just want to see you happy, and if surgically implanting horns into your forehead made you happy, then I’d fund that as well. No regrets.”

 

Tyler scoffed and shook his head. “Maybe some other time, I have a difficult enough time finding meals every day that isn’t anything but instant noodles.” Josh huffed out an agreement and they silently agreed to strip down and get in bed together, Josh in his underwear and Tyler in his boxers and a loose t-shirt. “Enjoy them while you can, then, sir.”

 

Josh pressed his body close and tangled their legs together, one hand rested firmly on Tyler’s hip while the other gently massaged one of his breasts. “Done deal, Joseph.”

 

Tyler closed his eyes and found himself not having to worry about insecurities or dysphoria during his last night together with Josh for the start of the new year.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of surprised that I managed to go this long without supplying you guys with anything but pure, unfiltered fluff, so watch out. And please leave a comment below!! They really keep me wanting to write and they always make my day. Have a good one out there, folks :))
> 
> P.S. If I could get this to 4000 hits within the next week or two that would be extremely dope.


	18. For The Record

“See you soon.”

 

“See ya, Jish.”

 

That exchange of words and a seemingly endless stream of hugs from Tyler’s three friends was the last time Tyler would be seeing Josh in person for at least another couple of months, if you don’t include the five times Tyler turned back to catch Josh staring at him as he walked down the security line. If it was up to him, Josh totally would have walked Tyler to the plane, but rules were rules and his boyfriend was beyond ridiculously sweet.

 

Tyler pulled his phone out as soon as he settled down in his seat (a.k.a his cage of imprisonment for the next five hours) and smiled when he saw that Josh had already texted him a couple of times.

 

**Josh:**

 

_miss you already. come back._

_no but have a good flight and let me know when you land, ok? and when you get home and stuff. you can never be too careful._

_love you, brahddy_

Tyler smiled and had to stifle his smile into his sweater. An older lady around his mom’s age sat next to him and offered a smile in return before pulling out a gardening magazine. Classic white moms were all the same.

 

**Don’t call me braddy.**

**Miss you too, and yeah, of course, don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated as much as I possibly can inside this metal carton of death**

**P.S. I love you too.**

 

“Is that your girlfriend or something?” The lady asked with a friendly tone, noticing Tyler’s inevitable little giggles as he reminisced the long conversations he and Josh had shared over stupid words such as “brahddy”. The lady looked friendly enough, and screw it, Tyler was going to make polite conversation before taking a bunch of anxiety medicine and passing out for the duration of the flight.

 

“That’s my boyfriend, Josh.” Tyler responded, checking his texts to see that Josh was still replying.

 

“Well, if he makes you laugh, then he’s a keeper. My late husband wasn’t so great in that area, so I guess I have a reason to be happily single, right?” The lady laughed, a hand smoothing over her magazine. She reminded Tyler of his second aunt, and he found himself laughing along with her. She had a good attitude that Tyler could certainly appreciate.

 

“Oh, yeah, definitely a keeper. I’m sorry about your husband, even though it sounds like you’re not too upset over it.”

 

“Oh, please. That was years ago. Now I just have a good laugh over it. My kids keep me going along with the late-night partying and booze.” Tyler snorted into his hands, his whole body vibrating with silent laughter.

 

“God, you’re really living. Go you. You’re definitely not like my mom, that’s for sure. She’s not as cool.”

 

The woman snorted in return and quirked a corner of her mouth. “My kids wouldn’t say so much, but thank you. I’m always happy to shock people.”

 

“Me too.” Tyler said quietly, grinning far too wide as he looked down at his phone. “Oh, I’m Tyler, by the way.”

 

**Josh:**

 

_*Sends kisses through the phone*_

 

“Melinda.” The woman responded, respectfully examining her magazine again as the plane started to leave. “If I start snoring, just give me a good shove. I apologize in advance.”

 

“I plan to sleep too, so it’s all good.” Tyler said with a noncommittal shrug. He put his phone on airplane mode and reached into the front pocket to grab his pill bottle. He took a couple of his prescribed xanax with some water and got out his earbuds to prepare himself for a hopefully peaceful flight.

 

Melinda hummed in response and tossed Tyler her pillow, bringing out a half-circle one from her own bag to use on herself. Tyler gave her an appreciative nod before putting on some calm indie music and slowly drifting into a peaceful, drug-induced sleep.

 

~*~

 

By the time Tyler had gotten home, he was too tired to unpack and he ended up taking another nap and only leaving his room to get food so he had full commitment to practicing piano and laying in bed slightly restlessly. The next week followed suit in a similar fashion until Tyler had to leave for college again, the shared good-bye’s with his family much less painful than the last. It had been reduced to a dull ache that he pushed to the corners of his chest until he couldn’t help but shed a few tears once he was alone in his new dorm, surrounded by unfamiliar walls and isolated from any sense of familiarity.

 

Luckily, Mark and Hayley showed up a little over an hour later after that to help Tyler set his new room up and take him out to a congratulatory dinner at The Happy Rabbit, a meal that they called a “Losing Your Virginity Celebration”. Tyler chose to think of it more as a welcome home gift.

 

Hayley and Mark were pushy for details as usual, and Andy had started to sport quite an impressive ginger beard over the course of winter break. Much to Tyler’s dismay, Hayley and Mark had grown rather close and they chose to team up on him for gossip rather than be, well, civilized human beings with personal respect boundaries.

 

“Did you do penetration?” Mark said brashly with a completely straight expression on his face that Tyler was eagerly waiting for it it be washed away.

 

“Yes. You guys, what the hell, I’m trying to eat.” Tyler complained as he twirled his fork unenthusiastically on some lettuce.

 

“What kinds of noises does he make? Do _you_ make?” Hayley bit her lip and leaned towards Tyler, her eyes bright and sparkling.

 

“Christ. I don’t know, he’s, um, really breathy, I suppose. And he has these kind of high-pitched moans that he always make when I pull on his hair, or, like, bite him. Or let him bite me. I haven’t really thought about it, you guys.” Tyler had indeed thought about it a lot, on a regular basis, in fact- but his friends didn’t need the pleasure of knowing that. Tyler always enjoyed talking about Josh, but he had limits. Sometimes.

 

“OTP.” Mark said matter-of-factly, a smug look on his face.

 

“Ooooh, nice.” Hayley said in a hushed voice, genuinely pleased with this new information. “I want video evidence of this.”

 

“Stoooooooop.” Tyler groaned, shoving a mouthful of salad into his mouth to somehow distract his friends from the humongous blush on his face. After he swallowed, he said, “so, how were your guys’ breaks?” to finally change the subject from something other than his admittedly awesome (but currently-on-a-hiatus) sex life.

 

Hayley took a massive bite of bread and talked with her mouth full but her food pushed to the side, which should’ve been gross, but it wasn’t that bad of a look on her. Hayley was a cute, gross slob with painfully bright hair. It had faded over break to a orange-ish yellow, and Tyler was very tempted to ask if he could dye it. “Mine was good. My family managed to behave for a solid couple of weeks, and I got enough money on christmas to get this cool glittery blue microphone for shows. I think I’ll do my hair to match.”

 

“That’s awesome. You guys kill it live, you should be doing more than bars.” Tyler said.

 

Mark perked up with a big grin on his face. “I’ll be your tour manager! I was actually looking into that over break as well as doing some film work which I’ll show you guys later, and it actually sounds fun. Touring with a band, scheduling stuff, free food, all good stuff.”

 

Hayley considered the thought with a smirk and she nodded her head in agreement. “Yeah, sweet. Let’s do it.”

 

“What about my band, Mark?” Tyler pouted sarcastically, making puppy dog eyes at his best friend. Mark gave him a “what are you gonna do” type of shrug and broke out into quiet laughter. “You should see your guys’ faces. Priceless. I can’t believe I’m being fought over.”

 

“I’m joking, Mark, but sure. Whatever you wanna believe.” Mark pushed Tyler’s shoulder playfully and Hayley kicked at him from under the table, a bright smile on her face. “I can’t wait to see your videos. I bet they’re as awesome as the last one we took of you trying to play guitar with a violin string.”

 

“You kept laughing and interrupting me!” Mark exclaimed defensively. Tyler burt out into little giggles and he continued to eat his food and let Hayley break off into a conversation about that one particular incident until it eventually moved onto plans for her band and Tyler got distracted by all of the art on the walls around their table. Before he knew it, it was time to leave and get to bed to prepare for classes the next day.

 

Tyler hugged his two friends goodbye outside of his dorm building and watched them walk together on the snow-covered paths for a few seconds before he made his way up to the warmth and comfort of his dorm and the elusive pull of sleep.

 

~*~

 

The next couple of weeks went by painfully slowly. Josh was caught up in school and his new job and Tyler was equally busy with school, so the two rarely got the opportunity to talk any more.

 

Tyler wanted to think it was more of them both being busy rather than the idea of the distance getting to the couple and pulling them apart from each other, but those days, he just couldn’t be too sure.

 

Getting top surgery was one of the highlights of the start of the new school year, and after a couple of weeks Tyler was able to take off the bandages and let them slowly start to heal. He knew it was a matter between a couple of months to a couple of years for full healing time, but it felt so goddamn good to be able to run his hands over his bare chest comfortably and not have to wear his binder ever again. He wanted to get tattoos on his chest as soon as possible, but he wanted to be careful with his adjusted body.

 

Josh was beyond happy for Tyler, of course, but the young boy could tell that Josh had something on his mind that he didn’t want to talk about. He said nothing was wrong, but Tyler couldn’t help himself to worry. They hadn’t skyped in so long, and it was killing Tyler from the inside out. He decided to call Josh out of the blue, doubtful that he’d even pick up, but pleasantly surprised when he heard Josh’s small voice sound from the other end.

 

“Tilly?”

 

“Hey, Josh.” Tyler breathed out, his feet shuffling across the short length of his room. His roommate wasn’t there at that given moment, so Tyler was free to worriedly pace back and forth all he wanted. “I feel like it’s been awhile since we’ve really talked.”

 

“Yeah, I know, I’m sorry.” He heard Josh audibly sigh. “I’ve been busy, you know, and I guess just kind of… empty. I dunno. It’s probably nothing.” Josh sounded slightly ashamed of himself, like it was a thing to hide, when Tyler recognized the feelings Josh was experiencing all too much. A scared chill ran through him when Josh said the words, and Tyler ended up being silent for a couple seconds too long. “Ty?”

 

“Sorry. I, uh, it’s just that I know all too well. It’s hard to communicate with others when I can’t get out of bed or get myself to really do or well anything noteworthy. It sucks.”

 

“Yeah.” Josh said in agreement, voice tinged with apprehension. “I… I started seeing a therapist and I’m presuming that I’m depressed even though it’s not like anyone has told me outright. It’s- I realized that I’ve been repressing this for kind of forever, and talking it out just makes it worse, so I don’t know. I’m sorry for not telling you. I didn’t want you to worry.”

 

The sadness in Josh’s voice made it impossible for Tyler to be mad at him, but he couldn’t help but feel hurt that josh would keep something like this from him. He approached his sentences carefully, both hands on his phone and eyes drawn close together in concern. “Josh, you know that I understand all the thing you’re talking about and that you can talk to me about anything, any time. I just want you to be happy, alright? I don’t think I’ve managed that yet, either, but you’ll be ok, I promise.”

 

“I feel so good with you, I just.. you can only distract me for so long, you know? It’s honestly just so pathetic that I’m only really happy when I’m with you and we can’t be together. It makes me so upset, you’re not some sort of happy pill and I shouldn’t be treating you as such and I certainly shouldn’t be avoiding you like this.”  
  


“Josh, we are together. Right? And we’ll see each other soon. Only a few more months.” There was a distinct fear building up in Tyler’s chest and he felt like he was on the verge of tears because Josh sounded like… like he was going to end things. It made sense. The defeated tone in his voice, the apologies, the “it’s not you, it’s me”, it all crept up as one big fear in the back of Tyler’s mind. “What do you want to do about this, Josh?”

 

“It’s not easy being apart from you, and I think it’s just making things worse. I need… I need time to figure myself out, you know?” Josh said hesitantly, sounding just as scared as Tyler felt. “I think we should take a break.”

 

The world stopped spinning and stood still all around Tyler- the picture of him and Josh staring back menacingly on the wall, the book Josh had given him for christmas poking and prodding at his heart. When he spoke, his voice was miniscule and defeated. “W-what?”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you while I need time to help myself get better. I don’t want to stop being your friend, because dear god I love you more than anything else on this planet, Tyler, but I can’t watch my own need for distance destroy us both.”

 

Tyler laid down on his bed and squeezed his eyes tightly shut, a couple of tears falling from his eyes to his bed sheets. “I… whatever you want. I can’t tell you no.”

 

“Jesus, Tyler. I don’t want this either but it’s not about what I want, it’s about what we need. It’s okay, don’t sound so upset, it’s fine.”

 

There were about a million things Tyler wanted to stay in that moment. Maybe something passionate and angry- a declaration of love, a “you’re wrong! We can do this no matter what!” or something along the lines of “It’s not fine, I can’t do this without you” or something dramatic enough to snap Josh out of this phase he was going through. Instead of getting angry or dramatic or defensive, Tyler simply succumbed to his own exhaustion and laid on the bed while letting tears stream out of his eyes and trail down his face as a reminder of how incredibly weak he was.

 

It had to be temporary. This wasn’t real.

 

“O-okay.” Tyler took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes. “Just for the record, I love you too.”

 

“Raincheck on that trip together to a different planet, Tyler Joseph?” Josh said with faltering enthusiasm, his voice falling flat and dry. Tyler felt the same way.

 

“Sure.”

 

They stayed on the line in silence for a few more moments until Tyler cleared his throat and made up an excuse to avoid future embarrassment within his tears. “I, uh, I have to go, but good luck. To you. And, yeah.”

 

Josh cleared his throat as well and replied in a rough, scratchy voice. “Yeah. You too.”

 

“Bye.”

 

“Bye.”

 

Tyler hung up and burst into sobs, letting out cries of frustration into his pillow and resisting the urge to do something to hurt himself. He couldn’t do that to Josh, that avoided the whole point of a break. It was just a break. It was fine.

 

Tyler couldn’t ignore the impending feeling of doom that meant it really wasn’t fine, though. The distance that had grown between them suddenly seemed like a wide, gaping hole, and the reasons behind Josh’s need for a break seemed flimsy and all too tangible.

 

There was only one thing Tyler could possibly do in this situation to keep himself sane.

 

**To: Mark**

**Are you busy right now? I need you. Bad.**

 

~*~

 

“Really? What a fucking- I’m gonna _punch_ him, I don’t _care_ that he’s going through shit, you’ve always been going through one type of shit or the other and the _nerve_ -” Mark ranted angrily, his clenched fists threatening to hurt someone or something. Namely, Tyler’s possessions or Mark’s own body. Tyler took Mark’s hands in his own to try and calm his friend down to no avail. While Tyler was sad and a bit angry, Mark was all rage and bubbling fury. “ _Fuck,_ Tyler, I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s fine. I just wanted to talk to you about it.” Tyler said quietly as he ducked his head downwards.

 

“It’s not fine.”  
  


“It… It will be.”

 

“Fuck.” Mark whispered.

 

“I know.” Tyler sighed back. “Can we just… do something, I guess? I need a distraction.”

 

“Yeah, of course. You want food? I can get pizza.”

 

“Not hungry.” Tyler muttered, drawing his knees up to his chest and staring intently at his rocket ship bed sheets. “I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. It’s ok. Want me to read my script to you?” Mark asked gently, his arm curling around Tyler’s shoulder. Tyler perked up a bit at that- Mark was an amazing writer most of the time, and when he wasn’t making quality content he was making hilarious comedic bits, at the least. “Sounds good. Thank you.”

 

Mark pulled up the document on his phone and started reading to Tyler, who concentrated on the story so intensely that he barely noticed his eyelids start to droop until Mark was finished reading.

 

“It’s almost midnight. You have class before noon, Joseph. Get cracking.”

 

Luckily, Tyler’s roommate had found some other place to stay for the night, and so Tyler didn’t feel rude talking to Mark for hours on end in his dorm. He still didn’t want to be alone, though, so he gave Mark a hopeful glanced and prayed that he’d get the point.

 

“Fine, I’ll sleep with you, slut. Lemme slip into something a little more comfortable first.”

 

Tyler laughed lightly and took off his own shirt, happy to finally be able to sleep like this. Mark curled up behind him and they spooned under the covers, a nagging stressful ball in the back of Tyler’s brain unable to settle and let him sleep.

 

“Stop worrying, Tyler, it’s keeping me up.” Mark complained through a long groan after what seemed like at least half an hour of Tyler silently stressing out and staring at the wall. He just couldn’t sleep- not knowing that Josh was going through a hard time and probably missing him just as much as Tyler missed him back.

 

“Sorry. I’ll try.” Tyler whispered. He turned over to settle into Mark’s chest and for a split second, it felt like he was with Josh. With that feeling settled in his mind, Tyler eventually drifted off into a completely restless and unhappy sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, it feels horrible to write this, but it had to be done. Just remember kids, before it gets better the darkness gets bigger.
> 
> Still not fun to write angst. Mainly so.


	19. Will You Still Be Here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloody fists and apologies. 
> 
> tw for self harm and just some generally angsty, depreciating thoughts, folks.

Life pre-Josh was definitely a lot different than life post-Josh. Even after a few days of resisting the urge to text Josh after every little one of life’s events or victories that reminded Tyler of him, Tyler still wasn’t used to it. He still wasn’t happy with it. It felt like he’d died or something, but Josh’s social media proved that he was very much alive although he wasn’t very active or keen on making posts that said anything about how he was doing.

It was like torture.

Tyler’s anxiety and dysphoria didn’t do anything but get worse with all of the stress from school and the whole situation with Josh. He spent a large fraction of his days completely stressed out and insecure with no foreseeable future on how to get rid of the dark, brooding future.

Tyler was used to swarms of compliments from Josh that he tended to brush off, but Tyler soon realized that all of the praise kept him from going into a truly dark place where he couldn’t help but feel like the way he did before he transitioned. He hated feeling like he relied on Josh to stay sane because that was incredibly unhealthy, but Tyler certainly wasn’t doing any _better_.

It was a sickening cycle of missing Josh to being angry at him for just dropping off the face of the planet like that. _You don’t just do that to people_ , Tyler rationalized in his head over and over during quiet times when he was forced to be alone with his own thoughts that poked and prodded at the same few points over and over again.

Around him, trees and light droplets of snow swirled softly over his head in what should have been a peaceful setting. All Tyler could think about was his nagging thoughts instead of the elegant pathway or the slightly less cold weather than he’d gotten used to.

_Josh doesn’t really love you. Maybe he’s straight and now that you look even more like a boy he can’t bear to you. Maybe you’re not masculine enough. Maybe you’re just annoying to him._

“Fucking- _stop_!” Tyler grunted angrily before throwing his fist at a tree. He’d planned on going for a walk to clear his head, but he ended up muttering to himself over and over again until all of the pent up rage became too much. Tyler punched the tree again, wincing from the pain but feeling good that he was finally being somewhat productive.

_You deserve this. It’s all your fault and after a little pain you’ll be fine. It’s not like you’re cutting yourself, just keep punching. You’re worthless._

Tyler let out a low noise as his fist missed the tree and ended up brushing against a loose branch. Tyler’s skin tore apart across one of his knuckles and formed a small cut. Blood started pouring down his fists, but Tyler wasn’t satisfied yet.

_Josh is never going to come back. He left you permanently._

Tyler’s hand hurt too much to keep punching to he started hitting it with his forearms.

_You’ll never be a real boy._

A large bruise formed on Tyler’s arm as he kept hitting harder and harder, bright red blood trailing down his pale arms and dotting the dull late winter leaves. The red stood out brightly and beautifully against the thin layer of snow, fascinating Tyler even further as he tried out some punches with his knuckles a couple more times.

_You deserve this._

 

Tyler sank to the ground, defeated as he started to feel light-headed in the swarm of the cold and the shocking brightness of his own blood surrounding him.

Shit, this was bad, this was _bad._ He wouldn’t be able to make an excuse about this to Mark.

Tyler sprinted as fast as he could back to his dorm and quickly rushed to get his mini first-aid kit from his room and he thanked an invisible god that the bathroom was completely empty. Everyone was probably at dinner, anyways.

“Fuck, fuck.” Tyler swore under his breath as he tried to quickly scrub the blood from his hands and arms before anyone came in before. He realized that it was _everywhere_. On his clothes, on the floor and all over the sink. It was like some sort of twisted dream where the water faucets poured out blood and of course, the harder he tried to clean everything up, the messier it got.

Tyler broke down crying next to a blood-stained sink as he desperately tried to clean everything up and bandage his knuckles before they started bleeding again. He managed to get back to his room before a single soul saw him.

Tyler let out a deep breath and collapsed into bed, a guilty feeling settling into his chest. He’d promised Mark that he wouldn’t hurt himself again. He couldn’t afford to get this worked up over a boy, over his own dumb insecurities. Tyler wanted to die. He wanted to sleep and never wake up.

There was only ever one thing to do when Tyler felt like this.

Tyler gingerly got out of bed, wary of his hands, and found his notebook under a stack of papers and textbooks. He sat in bed and flipped to a new page and started writing feverently, ignoring the stinging pain in his hand.

_I need to know that when I fail you’ll still be here._

~*~

“Tyler.” Hayley’s stern voice rang in his ears but he couldn’t afford to look at her.

“Oh, Tyler.” Softer this time. Tyler looked up to see a face full of concern as Hayley held his bruised, bandaged hands. “I’m not mad, I’m just upset. Tell me what happened.”

Tyler’s mouth opened and then snap shut. He couldn’t exactly bring himself to speak right then.

“It’s okay.” Hayley reassured him once more, a couple of gently fingers trailing down his flushed cheeks.

Hayley had found him the next morning while he was re-bandaging his hand, due to her tendency to barge in rooms without any pre-warning. Tyler had sort of gotten used to it, but right then and there he wished he had never used his body as a punching bag in the first place. He felt more guilt than relief, and it was just- it was simply awful.

“I… got angry at myself and punched a tree. ‘Nuff said.” Tyler tried to throw in a laugh, but it came out sounding like he was in pain rather than he was in a joyful mood. It was true, of course, but Hayley didn’t need to know that.

“Is this… is this because of Josh?” She asked hesitantly, grabbing the roll of bandages from Tyler’s side.

“Yeah, that and the fact that i’ll never be happy enough with myself to ever have someone else truly love me. No wonder Josh wanted to call it quits.” Tyler said with a self-deprecating laugh that caused hayley to flinch as she wrapped up his hands. For now, though, Tyler didn’t care what kind of pain he caused. In fact, he was enjoying seeming as worthless as he knew he truly was.

“Tyler, you guys are taking a _break_ , first of all, and secondly, it’s not your fault he needed space. You’re not broken.”

“What if I am?” Tyler said defensively, hands jerking away from Hayley immediately as she finished wrapping them up. “What if I’m broken? I’ve spent so much of my life telling myself that I was lying only to come to terms with my identity and be told by everyone else that I was wrong. Do you have any idea what that feels like? To doubt myself for so long and then find someone who was willing to love me despite all of that, only for him to be- to be _taken away from me_ by his own free _will_? It sucks, Hayley. It sucks.”

Tyler knew his sharp words dug into her skin like knives, but Tyler couldn’t control his tone or the words that came tumbling ungracefully out of his mouth. Hayley took a deep breath and wrapped Tyler in a soft hug, much to his surprise, and her voice was nothing but calm as she spoke.

“Tyler, it’s not your fault that you were born the way you were. That doesn’t define you. What defines you is your character, and that’s stripped away from you right now. I need you to remember what it is about yourself that’s kept you going, and what about Josh can help you get him back once you’re both ready.” Hayley rubbed his back soothingly and let Tyler take a couple of deep breaths until he was calmer and he could start to think rationally.

“You’re right. Ok. Should I… should I text him or something?”

“Honestly, yeah. You should at least get to talk to him, honey.”

Tyler sniffled and took out his phone, opening up to the last conversation he’d had with Josh a week ago. It pained him to look at it. “What do I even say?” Tyler said sadly.

“Whatever first pops into your head?” Hayley shrugged, looking hopeful and nervous along with Tyler all at once. He was so incredibly thankful for her and all she was capable of doing. Not only was Hayley a fantastic singer and musician, but she had a kind, warm-hearted soul that burst with life but managed to stay calm and collected when a situation called for it. Tyler didn't know what he'd do without her, honestly.

**To: Josh**

**Hey, so, I don’t know about you, but this silence is absolutely killing me. I miss you. Please just let me know you’re alright, at least.**

“That’s good.” Hayley said quietly. Tyler nervously waited for a response and he blinked in surprise when he saw that Josh was calling him after a couple passing moments of slightly nervous silence.

“Jish?”

“Oh god, Tyler, thank god you feel the same way. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, good god I’m so sorry.” Josh apologized repeatedly. He sounded as broken and as relieved as Tyler felt in that moment. “It’s been hell. I made such a bad decision. I’d be doing so much better if I hadn’t been such a complete and utter ass.”

“Josh. It’s ok. I understand.” Tyler said with a ground-breaking smile that broke through and lit his face up properly for the first time in weeks. “I’ve been scared to text you, I thought you were mad at me or something.”

“Me? Mad at _you?_ I thought you were mad at _me_ , man.”

“Kind of, but I can get past that.” Tyler bit his lip and noticed Hayley looking at him smugly out of the corner of his eye, complete with crossed arms. “You can thank Hayley for being my moral support team.”

“Thanks, Hayley.” Josh said with a giggle. He must’ve thought it was on speakerphone. Tyler turned to reiterate the message to Hayley but she was just closing the door by the time he turned around. She threw him a wink before leaving him alone to talk to Josh for the first time in weeks.

Tyler let out a nervous huff of excited laughter that meant that _everything was going to be alright._ It wasn’t stitched up to look completely new, but Tyler was hopeful. It felt a little like they were starting over new from before all contact was broken off and things had started to fall apart at the seams.

“So, what’s up?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 50k words. I'm astounded by how much I've been able to do with this and how much it's impacted people so here's a big thank you to everyone who's commented, left kudos, or even just took the time to read my works. You rock :)


	20. It's Us With The World

For once in Tyler’s life, he didn’t want summer to begin. Summer meant many things, both good and bad- the overload of emotions he liked to call his family, the fact that he’d have to drive out if he ever wanted to see any of his friends. Mainly, Tyler really didn’t want to go through finals week again. Finals were absolute hell and it drove Tyler up the walls just thinking about all of the late-night study sessions he was going to have to pull.

 

The good part of all of it? The good part was that Josh was flying over right after he finished his own school year and he was going to be only a 20 minute drive away for each day that Tyler didn’t stay over at the Dun residence or have Josh at his own house. Of course, it was going to be unpleasant to introduce their families to each other- Tyler had a feeling their moms would get along _way_ too well, and of course there was always the loaded questions about sex and safety that embarrassed Tyler beyond belief. He really didn’t anyone else prodding into his business like that. Mark and Hayley were exceptions to the rule because they didn’t know what the words “no” or “go away” meant.

 

In all honesty, Tyler was mainly looking forward to the actual sleepover parts of their future plans once Josh got back home. Nothing else compared to the nights he and Josh had spent up watching the X-Files and Disney movies until one of them fell asleep, the deep 2 a.m. discussions, the extensive cuddling, and so on. Tyler had missed all of that more than any other aspect to their relationship because it was so beyond comfortable. Josh was pretty much just his best friend. They could talk about literally anything, just two bros being dudes, up until the point where Tyler would usually proceed to kiss Josh for an extensive period of time until his boyfriend’s lips were sore and raw.

 

It was pretty much an ideal relationship.

 

Tyler missed Josh with every fabric of his being, and it only got worse as the days slowly ticked by and the day he’d be flying in got even closer. He felt a little selfish sometimes because Josh also missed his _family_ , and Tyler tended to ramble on about plans before realizing that Josh hadn’t even seen them in almost a year. This meant their dates might have to include some of the Dun siblings, which Tyler was totally okay with as long as he was the one who got to curl up in Josh’s arms at the end of the day and fall asleep with him.

 

“A whole two months, Josh. And your birthday is coming up as well! I’ll get to spend it with your family, right?” Tyler held his phone in between his shoulder and his ear as he finished up packing up the last of his bedding. Several boxes were strewn around his room, each of them full of stuff he needed to take back home. Josh had called him at a fairly inconvenient time, considering the fact that Tyler need two hands to properly pack.

 

“Yeah, totally. My mom usually just makes a special dinner for every birthday and she said she’d be more than happy to ‘clear an extra spot at the table’. Her words, not mine.”

 

Tyler couldn’t help but giggle. “Yeah, our moms are definitely going to get along, I can say that much already. Are you going to be fine being apart from Debby?”

 

Josh scoffed, and Tyler could just imagine him rolling his eyes teasingly. “I’m kinda tired of her teasing, but I know I’ll miss both her and Jenna. Just… Jenna a bit more initially. Besides, I haven’t seen my sisters in way too long and they’re slightly nicer than her. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Okay.” Tyler said, generally satisfied with Josh’s response. He didn’t want him to be unhappy being separated from his own best friend for the summer. “My friends are dying to meet you, by the way. Even Taylor, Jeremy and Chad all want to hang out, much to my surprise. Hayley still makes fun of me for that time I was drunk and couldn’t stop talking about you when she was driving me home from a party.”

 

“God, that wasn't even that  _long_ ago but it feels like it’s been more than just a few months since we've started talking.” Josh sighed, his voice edging on a chuckle.

 

“I know, man. It’s kind of strange, but, like, in a good way. I find it amusing that we don’t actually know when we started dating. I guess it was when we kissed, but we’ve been flirty ever since we started talking.”  
  


“Flirting is not equivalent to dating, Tilly, although that would have made it a lot easier to know whether you felt the same way about me. Especially since it’s hard to tell over the phone.”

 

Tyler raised his eyebrows even though Josh couldn’t see, knowing full and well that his partner knew what his exact facial expressions were when they talked. “I was pretty obvious, man. I said you were pretty _way_ too many times for it to be normal.”

 

Josh broke out into laughter, his voice getting more distant as he tried to hide the extent it from the phone. “I still find that hilarious! As well as flattering, don’t worry. Why pretty? I mean, of all things. Dude, only Debby calls me pretty. I guess I took it a different way.”

 

“Pretty and gorgeous are both extreme compliments for men such as yourself, Joshua Dun. You have a… a nice facial structure, ok? If I could draw I’d sing about your face all day long. It’s very symmetrical and... nice. You’re just pleasing to look at. You’re _pretty_. Get over it.” Tyler couldn’t help but blush from embarrassment as he talked. God, it was _mortifying_ to have to explain something like that, but he knew Josh’s laughter was not intended to ever be mean.

 

“Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself, although I don’t know if pretty is the right word. You’re just… cute, I think. I don’t know how else to word it. I like it when you smile because it’s infectious and it makes me smile. Cute kind of summarizes all of your little quirks and your own face. You’re just cute all over. It’s the best word I got.”

 

Tyler’s blush only grew more. He attempted to cover up his pink cheeks with a hand, but it ended up not doing much to hide it in his voice as he spoke. “You… thanks.” He squeaked somewhat pathetically.

 

“Oh god, you’re blushing right now, aren’t you? I seriously hate not being able to see that. Once I get back, you’re mine, Joseph. Got that? I’m not letting you out of my sight until I’ve gotten proper time with you.”

 

Tyler couldn’t help but find innuendo in that. “Until you’ve had your way with me?”

 

Josh chuckled from the other end of the phone line. “Yeah, that too.” He said, lighthearted and happy.

 

It seemed like Josh was doing much better after talking about things, although sometimes it got hard. When things got rough, Tyler backed off of Josh until he didn’t feel like he had to compensate with fake emotions just to be a good boyfriend. Tyler had been extremely clear in explaining everything once they’d gotten past the temporary hitch in their relationship. The distance still sucked, of course, but Josh didn’t let the reality of it get to him any more. Tyler was mainly just glad that Josh didn’t feel horrible enough that he felt the need to go on medication. That never seemed to help Tyler and he had a bad feeling that it would’ve only made Josh feel worse.

 

Neither of them were broken or needed fixing. Sometimes, they just needed some time to get a hold on anxiety and sadness and just squeeze it out of their systems. Sometimes they needed to lean on each other for support, and Tyler was more than happy to be a part of a support system that didn’t just include pen and paper.

 

“I miss you.” Tyler said quietly as he fiddled with one of his favorite notebooks. He wasn’t sure if he was going to share that much of his writing with Josh, but he was kind of tempted to let him in, show him everything until only skeleton bones remained. He trusted Josh enough to show him every bruise, every bump, every scar and any other imperfection that Tyler held onto every day of his life. It was about more than just bearing his body, which he’d always had trouble coming to terms with and not dissociating with. It was about trusting someone with those physical insecurities as well as the thoughts that raced through his mind like there was nowhere to go.

 

For once, Tyler had found someone he could share all of these feelings with instead of just bottling them up. In return, Josh was the same way. Tyler felt like the brutal honesty and bareness of their souls made it hard to hide anything and made it hard to do anything but love Josh for who he really was. Josh was charming and gorgeous and _god_ was he talented, but he was scared of messing things up so much that he let his insecurities tarnish things that weren’t bad because of him in the first place. Tyler was the person that held his back wrists, looked into his eyes and gave him constant reminders that not everything was his _fault_ , that it was okay to mess up, that it was okay to be scared and insecure because Josh never seemed to take those thoughts to mind on his own.

 

Personally, Tyler was pretty much the same way, except with some added gender dysphoria and a bit more social anxiety. Opposites usually attracted, but Tyler and Josh were so similar in a generalization of their dreams and insecurities that they made a good team when it came to working on getting past all of the things inside of themselves stopping them from being happy.

 

Tyler didn’t see too much of himself in Josh because there were so many other things he never thought he’d fall in love with. The enthusiasm he had for things like aliens, how many cocoa puffs he could catch in his mouth in a row, the way playing the drums absorbed him and threw him into a different world, and of course the things Josh found funny were always little things that made Tyler love him even more for no apparent reason at all. He didn’t really need a reason to love him so unconditionally except for the fact that it was _Josh_.

 

“I miss you too.” Tyler almost didn’t catch Josh saying it with how absorbed he was in his own thoughts, but it was hard to miss the choked-up emotion in his boyfriend’s voice as he spoke. “I’m so happy, man. I’m so happy to be coming back home. It’s not just my house or my family- It’s like, I don’t know, wherever you are feels like home. California has never felt like home to me, and, well, I don’t think college is really doing me any good, so…” Josh took a deep breath before continuing, “I think I’m moving back for good. It’s not finalized, but I have a one-way ticket and there’s still time to decide before we have to pay tuition for another year. I might go to community college in Ohio. The reason I came out here was because I felt suffocated, you know, like everything _wrong_ with what I was experiencing was centered around being home for so long. I’ve found out that _I’m_ wrong. I belong on the road, and schooling hasn’t changed my feelings towards wanting to be in a band. I want to tour to get away and then find myself back home, well, with _you_ , and with my family.”

 

Tyler stayed silent through this whole ordeal and waited for Josh to finish, his mind racing with different thoughts and possibilities. “Don’t think of this as an excuse to stay there with you because that’s kind of just a pro to all of this. I know you’re going to tell me to do what makes me happy but be smart about it, and I’ve thought this over, so… yeah. Being in a band with you would make me happy, if that sounds good to you as well. I know you feel unfulfilled as well. You’ve got these _insane_ writing abilities and I think it should be put to good use. That’s kind of it, really. I’m just laying this all out. Sorry it had to be over the phone, it just came over me.”

 

Tyler paused to take in everything Josh had said in his little speech. It made sense, really. It would explain why Josh seemed a lot more enthusiastic over the past few weeks, why he didn’t seem too concerned about going back to California. He’d probably already told Debby about what he wanted to do and cleared it up with her before finding enough peace of mind to tell Tyler what he really wanted to do with his life. Tyler was a bit overwhelmed, but the one emotion stood above all of the rest.

 

“Yes, Josh. I’ll accept your band proposal. Let’s do it.” Tyler said happily, a smile stretching wide across his face. “Thanks for putting so much thought into that, but you didn’t need to. I know this will be good for us. Let’s start working on songs when you get back home.”

 

In that moment, Tyler was hopeful. He was looking forward to the future instead of dreading it, and he was certainly hoping that the music he and Josh created in the future was everything he’d ever hoped to accomplish in his life.

 

“What about ‘We Could Fly Far Away’? I always liked that one.”

 

“I was thinking about a different title, but sure. Let’s do this, Josh.”

 

Tyler Joseph was tired of spending his life wanting to be somewhere else. For now, he was more than happy to live in the present with someone who was a complete stranger over a year ago, someone he never would have met if it wasn’t for a bet he made when he was 13. It was based off an extremely unlikely circumstance that he’d even _met_ Josh, but he was happier because of it and he wasn't about to start questioning the universe.

 

Tyler grabbed the book that Josh had happened to buy on a slim decision and he flipped to the page where his phone number was written in red sharpie, bright script standing out against the monotone colors of the inside cover. Tyler smiled to himself as he closed the book and put it back in the box, a content sigh falling out of his lips.

 

“I’m glad that I texted your number all that time ago, Tyler.” Josh said, as if reading Tyler’s mind through the calm silence of their call.

 

Tyler wouldn’t change anything at all about his past anymore. He’d spent too long wishing he could, but for once, he liked the way things had played out.

 

“Me too.”

 

He wouldn’t trade who he was for the world.

 

|-/

 

**Epilogue  
**

 

Things with the band hadn’t started out how they’d initially planned. They worked vigorously to make something they were proud of and had no trouble creating music they were passionate about, but finding a record deal wasn’t easy. Even with Mark as their manager, it took a while for Fueled by Ramen to sign them so they could start making money off their music and go on tour.

 

Things changed with each song, each record, each moment in the history of Twenty One Pilots. Tyler became an idol in the music community as someone who understood not feeling like he belonged on a deeper level, and in turn fans of all backgrounds and personalities found something inside the band’s music that Tyler had looked for his whole life until he found Josh and found inner peace of mind with the inevitable.

 

Josh was happier onstage putting his life and soul into each performance than Tyler had imagined he could ever be, and the more popular they became, the stronger their bond grew. They were in this for the long run, a sort of unspoken agreement that they would keep each other going with their relationship as well as with their band.

 

They were unstoppable. They were a revolution. Both of them were leaders in their cause with the strong urge to put their music out into the world.

  
With Josh against his side, life was finally about the two of them finally working with the world instead of trying to go against it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end. I want to throw out a thousand thank you's to all of the readers that have supported this from the beginning. It's been about two months in the making, holy shit, I've never really completed something that wasn't just a two-day process, maximum.
> 
> I think I might add a separate story to add on but this is the final chapter of this piece. I feel like it was a good way to wrap up everything. The only thing I'd add is probably just some smut for you dirty little sinners out there since I feel kind of guilty for only having one chapter of that. What can I say, I love fluff.
> 
> I hope this has helped people dealing with any of the topics addressed. For me, it's helped me feel less alone, since I incorporated a lot of my own traits, personal experiences and fears into these characters in the hopes that other people could relate. I've been pretty happy with the results.
> 
> Thank you,  
> Finn xoxo

**Author's Note:**

> My tumblr: pinkstationfrerard  
> 


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